Those Who Can't Do, Teach (Bob Hope 104/ Our Army at War 179)

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Are you ready? Yeah. Are you with it? [00:00:02] Speaker B: Yeah. Okay, let's go. [00:00:04] Speaker A: You know what to do. [00:00:05] Speaker B: The whole world's watching and counting on you. And all you people listening out there. Everybody everywhere. Hang on. [00:00:14] Speaker A: Hang on. [00:00:15] Speaker B: Hang on. Welcome to Checkered Past, a loving postmodern examination of the. Go. [00:00:21] Speaker A: Go. [00:00:21] Speaker B: Check. Branded comic magazines published by DC Comics between February 1966 and August 1967. I'm Dr. Bob, and each week I'll be your guide on this trippy tour through 535 mid century masterpieces of graphic noveldom. This week, the Adventures of Bob Hope104. Cover date, April 1967 cover price, $0.12. Cover artist, Bob Oxner. Edited by Murray Boltanoff Featuring Somebody Stole Our Teachers. Hooray. Written by Arnold Drake. Art by Bob Oxner. And Our army at War 179. Cover date April 1967 cover price, $0.12. Cover artist Joe Kubert. Edited by Robert Kanigher Featuring A Penny for Jackie Johnson Written by Robert Kaniger. Art by Joe Kubert. Are you ready? Are you with it? Then away we go. Go. [00:01:17] Speaker C: If you're walking in the shadows. And then it's time that you get wise. I just forget about your troubles and open up your eyes. When you wear a smile the world will shout Hooray. You gotta turn on the sunshine. You're gonna flush the blues away. [00:01:45] Speaker B: The dedicated faculty of Benedict Arnold High School are delighted to finally, finally be invited to a state teachers convention. Meanwhile, Sergeant Rock not only has to fight the Nazis, but good old American racism. Confused? Don't worry. I'll be right back with doctor Husband to explain everything. [00:02:05] Speaker A: A penny for your thoughts. [00:02:08] Speaker B: It's settled and done. [00:02:11] Speaker A: I'd have offered a million. I have done it for none. [00:02:18] Speaker C: I reckon we're in love and married will be and offer a penny. [00:02:28] Speaker A: A bright copper penny. [00:02:31] Speaker C: The penny that brought. [00:02:59] Speaker B: Oh, hi. [00:03:00] Speaker A: Oh, hello. [00:03:01] Speaker B: How you been? [00:03:02] Speaker A: Oh, just fine, you know. [00:03:03] Speaker B: Yeah? [00:03:04] Speaker A: Yes. I'm sitting here enjoying General Foods International Coffee. [00:03:07] Speaker B: I wish it was General Foods International Coffee. Fake knockoff. [00:03:11] Speaker A: It is indeed. It's all they had in the store. I wanted to get hot cocoa and it was completely gone. Everything was gone. [00:03:18] Speaker B: Well, it's like Soviet Russia. [00:03:21] Speaker A: Oh, it's exactly like that. Yes. [00:03:24] Speaker B: Of course, we had that big snowstorm. [00:03:26] Speaker A: Yes. [00:03:27] Speaker B: Which is not over yet. [00:03:28] Speaker A: Isn't it? [00:03:29] Speaker B: Well, no. DC's practically still shut down. Really? From the ice? Yes. They got more ice than we did. [00:03:36] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. Yeah, the ice is terrible. A neighbor across the street, Tom. Yeah, the one of our other neighbors got his tractor out with his front loader on it. Front. Front loader. [00:03:45] Speaker B: Front. I don't know. It sounds official. [00:03:47] Speaker A: Well, Tom had used ice melt on his driveway y before the storm came. And so what happened is the snow came down, then it melted, then it froze and ice came down. So when I went over with my snowblower to clear his driveway, the snowblower couldn't touch it. [00:04:05] Speaker B: No. [00:04:06] Speaker A: Like, couldn't break through it. So he had to use his front loader today to literally break the ice. The, you know, half inch to three quarters of an inch of ice coating the driveway and then move it out of the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. [00:04:20] Speaker B: Well, school has been closed for three days. [00:04:23] Speaker A: Luckily, we go back tomorrow. And I say luckily just because every time we miss a day. If you're teaching a class, you have to think of some way to deliver the same thing that you would have had in a conversation with the students. Back and forth, conversation and exploration. So that's. [00:04:38] Speaker B: For heaven's sake. [00:04:39] Speaker A: What? What? [00:04:39] Speaker B: The children have a snow day. [00:04:41] Speaker A: They've had three. [00:04:43] Speaker B: Well, it didn't stop you. In fact, we've had some worried missives from fans wondering where we were because we so delayed on releasing a new episode. [00:04:53] Speaker A: I'm sorry, listeners. [00:04:55] Speaker B: Actually was just one fan, but. Oh, I'm sorry, listen, a key fan. [00:05:00] Speaker A: Yes. Well, I'm sorry. Our fan was probably, perhaps cloistered away looking for a diversion and probably just like we were. Yeah, of course. [00:05:09] Speaker B: Except you've been working the whole time. [00:05:11] Speaker A: I've been rehearsing the show, you know, in the evenings. We just got a lot of things and it's all going to come, thank God, come to a conclusion on February 15th when the show's over. [00:05:21] Speaker B: Yes. Now, listener, you're not to worry because we are. Because I'm getting ready to be involved in the show as well. So we're going to be a little bit out of pocket till after Valentine's Day. Yeah. Then it's smooth sailing. [00:05:34] Speaker A: So it could be a couple weeks before another show. Just because you and I are both involved in the show. [00:05:39] Speaker B: We are so popular and busy. [00:05:41] Speaker A: This happens to us once in a while. I'm sure that this has happened before. We've both been involved in shows. This happens once in a while. We're both just completely engaged. Yes. Every night, full weekend, you know, and that'll be, you know, about the, I don't know, end of the first week of February, we'll just be super, super busy and. And then it'll all be over after about. I don't know, eight, eight or nine days, and then we're done. [00:06:04] Speaker B: So, listener, don't worry. Go outside as weather allows, read some comics and listen to old episodes. Listen to old episodes. We've got 317 in the backlog. You can enjoy. [00:06:16] Speaker A: Yes. [00:06:17] Speaker B: This particular listener, I imagine, has already heard all of those. [00:06:21] Speaker A: Well, I appreciate. I appreciate all theirs. Amazon prime, they're not visiting us, but of course, that's why Butler's barking. Yeah. Oh, my God, I had the best nap today. Speaking of, speaking of snow days. Oh, my God. You know, I got up early today, and I just went ahead and did a bunch of things and got my class notes ready for tomorrow and took care of a bunch of stuff related to the musical. Right. That we're working on. And then I was done. I was just like, okay, well, I can take a break now. And I laid down and I read the book that I'm reading, Extinction Code. It's fantastic. I love it, love it, love it. I'm about 75% through the book. [00:07:07] Speaker B: Don't you marry it if you love it so much. [00:07:08] Speaker A: And I started to fall asleep. I was like, oh, okay. I was just gonna read, but okay, I'll take a nap. [00:07:13] Speaker B: Okay. [00:07:14] Speaker A: Oh, my goodness. It was one of those naps where I didn't set my timer. I slept, like, just a little over an hour. But when I woke up, I had no idea where I was, who I was, what world I was on. It was one of those, like. It was fantastic. [00:07:30] Speaker B: Let me ask you a question. [00:07:31] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:07:31] Speaker B: How long have you been alive? [00:07:34] Speaker A: 54 years. [00:07:35] Speaker B: And have you ever not fallen asleep while reading? Mm, sure. Just only around me. [00:07:43] Speaker A: No, actually, comic is involved. I think it's only later. Later on in my life, you know, these. These 50s, these advanced years. Yeah. You know, I like to take. Make the most of my time. I really do. Life is so short. As Mame Dennis said, life is a banquet. Most poor suckers are starving to death. [00:08:01] Speaker B: That's not what she says in the book. [00:08:02] Speaker A: Oh, well, she says. [00:08:04] Speaker B: Sobs. [00:08:05] Speaker A: Oh, okay. Well. [00:08:06] Speaker B: But they couldn't say that. [00:08:08] Speaker A: I like to. I like to live as much as I possibly can. [00:08:11] Speaker B: I'm sure we all like to live. [00:08:13] Speaker A: I mean, if I had. If I had found time today and I would have. If we weren't doing this podcast, I would have been like, come on, let's get in the car. We're going to get beer. [00:08:19] Speaker B: The roads aren't safe, especially if you're going to be drinking and then driving. [00:08:23] Speaker A: Home a beer and having a little nibbles. And just a beer would have been fine. But you know, the roads right here outside of our development. [00:08:29] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:08:30] Speaker A: Are not completely clear. They are caked with snow. [00:08:34] Speaker B: County property. They don't come out of here accounted. [00:08:36] Speaker A: Property, but just the county road. Just over here, the Shepherdstown, Martinsburg Pike. Yeah, it's fine. [00:08:43] Speaker B: Okay. Yeah, well, I haven't left the house since Saturday and I don't plan to. [00:08:49] Speaker A: Yeah, you might better pay some attention to your car tomorrow. [00:08:52] Speaker B: Why? Is it covered with snow? [00:08:54] Speaker A: It's covered in ice. [00:08:55] Speaker B: Oh, dear. [00:08:56] Speaker A: Yeah, actually, just the top, you should be fine. [00:08:58] Speaker B: I'll just go out and switch it on tonight and leave it on overnight. Which is fine, right? [00:09:04] Speaker A: Fine. For a Prius. For a Prius. We have a. We have a. We have a. We have a. An electric blanket. Couldn't we just throw it on there? [00:09:11] Speaker B: Yeah, that'll work. [00:09:12] Speaker A: Yeah, it'll get wet, but that's okay, right? [00:09:14] Speaker B: Or a fan. Cause the fan will be blowing warmer air than the outside air. [00:09:20] Speaker A: We'll take care of it. [00:09:21] Speaker B: Speaking of going back to school, what a timely comic we have here in the quote unquote, adventures of Bob Hope number 104. [00:09:32] Speaker A: Bob Hope, number 104. [00:09:33] Speaker B: Constantly amazed that Bob Hope comics went well over 100 issues. [00:09:38] Speaker A: Ah, you and me both, buddy. [00:09:41] Speaker B: Oh, but first, we cannot fail to mention the passing last week of Sal Buscema, who was a monumental comics artist for Marvel Comics. Primarily, he did some DC work, but mainly known for his Marvel work in the 70s and 80s. Long, long runs on comics. Reportedly just a workhorse. Of course, his brother John was also a noted comic artist. Okay. Yeah, so that's too bad. He passed away last week. [00:10:16] Speaker A: Sorry. [00:10:16] Speaker B: I mean, he had a long life. He was 89. [00:10:18] Speaker A: Okay. [00:10:20] Speaker B: Seen nothing bad about him on the socials. Everyone has just glowing things to say. [00:10:26] Speaker A: Nice. [00:10:26] Speaker B: Which is not always the case when people pass. [00:10:30] Speaker A: No, wait till we pass. Well, you'll be missed. [00:10:33] Speaker B: I certainly will. You'll be missed in a fashion. I sure miss his stern looks and hard doses of reality delivered forthrightly. [00:10:47] Speaker A: What is that thing that your sister says that I love so much about coming into the room? [00:10:53] Speaker B: What? [00:10:53] Speaker A: She never brightened a room. [00:10:54] Speaker B: He darkened every room he entered. [00:10:55] Speaker A: He darkened every room he entered. Because they always say that about women when they pass young. They always say, she brightened. [00:11:01] Speaker B: She lit up a room. She would. [00:11:02] Speaker A: Lit up a room. She brightened every room she entered. [00:11:04] Speaker B: Never knew a stranger. [00:11:05] Speaker A: Never knew a stranger. I wanted to save me. He darkened every room he entered. [00:11:09] Speaker B: And he knew plenty of strangers. Trust me, Bob Hope number 104, featuring that swinging teen, America's most disgusting superhero, super hip, who's got his picture on the COVID I can't remember if that's a first or not. Chins. He's got a strong manly chin. [00:11:30] Speaker A: He's got. I know, it's just all chin. His chin extends beyond his hairline. [00:11:35] Speaker B: Sorry, I'm just looking back. This is the second cover floating head appearance of Super. [00:11:40] Speaker A: You actually have like a note cover floating head. [00:11:44] Speaker B: No, that would be Chuck. That has, I'm sure on his spreadsheet. Okay, but I'm [email protected] also. Rest in peace, Mike. He passed away last year. But yes, this. Well, technically it's the third. But the first floating head appearance of Superhip was down the side. It had all the characters. [00:12:08] Speaker A: Okay. [00:12:11] Speaker B: But this is. We had 103 and 104 with the little banner there featuring Super Hip hop. Now, you're gonna be surprised to hear me say this. I liked this issue of Bob Hope quite a bit. [00:12:25] Speaker A: You're surprised by my response? [00:12:26] Speaker B: What? [00:12:27] Speaker A: I also liked it. [00:12:28] Speaker B: Well, and I know why. Minimal Bob Hope and minimal Super Hip. Yes, it's all about the faculty of Benedict Arnold High, which you may recall are the universal monsters. [00:12:41] Speaker A: There's the Dracula. Frankenstein's monster. Who goes by Frankenstein but doesn't like to be called Frankenstein. No, the mummy, the werewolf and what's her face. Not Elvira, but kind of like Vampirella. Vampirella. [00:12:57] Speaker B: It's all about the teachers going to state teachers convention. Which is always a good time though. Well, except that Grindr always crashes. Oh, no, that's the Republican. Republican National Convention. They were three of the toughest eggs since dinosaurs stopped laying them. But they made one big boo boo when they decided to seize 2,000 high school teachers. Because five of those were the faculty of fear. So be with us. This is Bob Hope speaking. So be with us. As 100,000 teary eyed teenagers cry. Somebody stole our teachers. [00:13:39] Speaker A: Hooray. [00:13:42] Speaker B: At the offices of pcstc. Planning Committee of the State Teachers Convention. [00:13:48] Speaker A: Duh. [00:13:48] Speaker B: Naturally. A secretary. [00:13:52] Speaker A: They don't have their own office. [00:13:54] Speaker B: What? [00:13:55] Speaker A: That's not how that works. [00:13:56] Speaker B: But you don't know. [00:13:57] Speaker A: No. You don't have an entire office dedicated to a committee of planning. The state Teachers Convention? [00:14:03] Speaker B: Why not? [00:14:03] Speaker A: It would be an ad hoc committee of people from cross section of faculty from a cross section of educational institutions. [00:14:12] Speaker B: Well, they have a secretary who's been working there for over a year. So they must have some kind of permanent office. [00:14:17] Speaker A: Well, yes. They might do something more than just have the state teachers convention or the national association for State Teacher Education. [00:14:25] Speaker B: The secretary, I imagine I literally just. [00:14:28] Speaker A: Said that to annoy one of our listeners. [00:14:31] Speaker B: I know. [00:14:32] Speaker A: Yes. Okay, thank you. [00:14:36] Speaker B: I imagine she started as a temp and then worked her way up. [00:14:38] Speaker A: Or seasonal. [00:14:40] Speaker B: Or seasonal, yes. Her name is Ms. Neurasthenia. She's sent out 2,000 letters in three days, even though she's so new to the job. Although she later says it's her first year, so shouldn't say it's her first week or day. Now, she has also mistakenly sent a letter to Principal Van Pyre of Benedict Arnold High School, not knowing that they never invite the faculty of Benedict Arnold high school. In 16 years, they've never invited him. [00:15:19] Speaker A: No. [00:15:20] Speaker B: She's about to lose her job. [00:15:21] Speaker A: She is. FedEx truck. [00:15:24] Speaker B: Well, good grief. [00:15:25] Speaker A: You know, the roads have opened up. They're all over the place. [00:15:27] Speaker B: Well, have people just been sitting home day after day ordering things? I mean. Yeah, I guess we. We have done that also. [00:15:34] Speaker A: Yeah. Did you see the dog supplies I ordered this morning? [00:15:37] Speaker B: I didn't. [00:15:38] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. Just the nutritional supplements. [00:15:41] Speaker B: You know, I never pay any attention to what you order on our joint Amazon account because it might be a gift for me. I don't want to ruin the surprise. [00:15:47] Speaker A: I don't often buy things that are fun. I want to, but I don't often. [00:15:53] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. [00:15:54] Speaker A: I bought T shirts and underwear this week. [00:15:55] Speaker B: Well, that's fun. [00:15:56] Speaker A: I suppose that's fun. [00:15:57] Speaker B: Cologne. You got some cologne? [00:15:58] Speaker A: Oh, I did get some cologne, yes. That was my big expenditure because I was. [00:16:01] Speaker B: And honestly, I think you find it fun to buy dog supplies. They're bone broth powder. [00:16:07] Speaker A: Yeah, I do buy occasional things for myself, but I also buy things that, like. Do I want to take a trip to Petco to buy this one thing or order it with other things and have it delivered to the house. [00:16:18] Speaker B: Oh, but you know what? [00:16:19] Speaker A: What? [00:16:19] Speaker B: I have a student that works at Petco. We could maybe get a discount if we go. [00:16:23] Speaker A: I know who that student is. She's awesome. [00:16:25] Speaker B: Except she's the one in Hagerston, so we have to make a little. [00:16:28] Speaker A: I've been to that store. [00:16:29] Speaker B: Well, we used to go there all the time. I have to go there when we lived across the river. Why? [00:16:33] Speaker A: To get. Cause Captain B is running out of food, and I want to go back to that salmon. That salmon and rice blend. [00:16:40] Speaker B: Oh, and by the way, pardon us, listener, while we discuss personal matters. You know where the Chuck E. Cheese used to be? Right by there. Yeah, well, that liquor store moved in there. [00:16:51] Speaker A: That's it? [00:16:52] Speaker B: Yes. [00:16:53] Speaker A: That's where the good liquor store is. [00:16:54] Speaker B: Yes, and it's very big and they have a little bar in there. [00:16:58] Speaker A: Have you been? [00:16:59] Speaker B: Yes, I went last week. [00:17:00] Speaker A: Why didn't you tell me before now? [00:17:02] Speaker B: I just remembered it. [00:17:04] Speaker A: They have a bar inside. [00:17:05] Speaker B: Duh. [00:17:06] Speaker A: What do they do with the bar? I mean, they don't serve drinks. They don't serve drinks in a liquor store. [00:17:12] Speaker B: Yes, they do in the store. [00:17:13] Speaker A: What, like for tastings or you just go in there and have a drink? Well, I don't know. [00:17:16] Speaker B: When I was there, they were having a birthday party there. It was closed off. [00:17:19] Speaker A: Shut up. [00:17:20] Speaker B: I imagine you can rent the space or just pop in for a cocktail or something. [00:17:23] Speaker A: What does it look like on the outside? [00:17:25] Speaker B: It's black, like a. You mean the whole building? [00:17:28] Speaker A: Like the Borg? [00:17:30] Speaker B: Yeah, it's like a Borg cube is what it looks like. Wow. Speaking of which, uh. [00:17:36] Speaker A: Oh, who's doing the tangents today? [00:17:39] Speaker B: Me. Well, we've watched, what, three episodes of Starfleet Academy? [00:17:44] Speaker A: Oh, here we go. [00:17:47] Speaker B: All you haters just go on about your business and hate it. And if you don't want to watch it, don't watch it. But don't tell me I can't watch it because it's charming and I love it. [00:17:57] Speaker A: I also love it. [00:17:58] Speaker B: It's a. [00:17:58] Speaker A: It has its flaws, but it is such a nice departure. [00:18:03] Speaker B: Yes. [00:18:04] Speaker A: From the formula. Like, oh my God, there's a massive crisis and everyone's going to die every single episode. Which there's nothing wrong with because I loved Star Trek Discovery. Well, there hasn't been any real Star. [00:18:18] Speaker B: Trek since Deep Space Nine. [00:18:19] Speaker A: And then that wonderful new Star Trek that just. [00:18:22] Speaker B: Strange new worlds. [00:18:23] Speaker A: Strange new worlds, yes. I'm sorry, I can't remember them all. I'm so sorry. [00:18:25] Speaker B: It's fine. There's a lot to remember. [00:18:27] Speaker A: But they're all very, very different. [00:18:29] Speaker B: Right? Well, that's why people are complaining, because they don't want anything different. They want what's wrong with them. Fat belt, loitering around the galaxy, sleeping with strange women, Shaving his chest hair. Shaving his chest hair? Yes. I had a dream about him the other night. I was driving with my sister and we stopped at a roadside flea market and William Shatner just was there. He just drove up because he collects. Well, in my dream, he collected postcards. So he'd stopped at the, you know, vintage postcards and he'd stopped at the flea market to see if they had any postcards to interest him. [00:19:05] Speaker A: How Nice. [00:19:06] Speaker B: But everyone was trying to pretend they didn't know who he was because they didn't want to bother him because was. [00:19:10] Speaker A: He current William Shatner, all big and bloated? [00:19:11] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:19:12] Speaker A: Oh, okay. [00:19:13] Speaker B: I mean, maybe like Star Trek IV William shatner, not current 90 year old Wayne Shatner. Anyway, shut up about your Starfleet Academy hate. And if Holly Hunter wants to curl her legs up under the captain's chair. [00:19:27] Speaker A: And walk around barefoot, who cares? [00:19:29] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. [00:19:31] Speaker A: It's really important when you think about the relationships that she's building and the academy she's building. That's what I find so fascinating about it. The subversiveness, the hidden curriculum. [00:19:43] Speaker B: Because that's how teachers and administrators operate in secret. [00:19:51] Speaker A: I've still got a touch of my cough left now and sickness. [00:19:54] Speaker B: Oh, you poor thing. [00:19:56] Speaker A: You know what? Tangent for me, Tangent alert. Called my doctor's office today. [00:20:01] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:20:02] Speaker A: Those mfers said to me, because she started, she moved to her practice. [00:20:07] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:20:07] Speaker A: And I love her, I love her. They said, you know, we don't have her schedule yet beyond April and she's booked up all the way through April, can you call back again? And I said, I said the nicest way, I promise you it wasn't my super direct kind of like, you know, well, let me tell you something. And it was like this. I said this. I said, I first led with empathy. I said, it must be hard getting these phone calls. She's like, yes. And I said, because, you know, I've called three times in the past month. I have a little post it on my calendar that says call the last week of January to set up an appointment with my doctor. I said, this is the third time I've called. I can't get an appointment to see my doctor at all. And she said, well, do you need to see her for an illness? I said, I'd really like to have this cough checked out that I've had, you know, for since Thanksgiving. She said, we'll try that. What is it? My health app, whatever it is, the. [00:20:57] Speaker B: My chart, apparently. [00:20:59] Speaker A: But she said, you know what? It is so frustrating. She said, I keep telling people the same thing over and over. We haven't reseen her schedule, we haven't received her schedule. I said, it's just so weird because like, normally with my previous doctor, if I called and he didn't have an appointment for the next month, they'd say, well, he's booked up for the next month, let's look at the next month. And she said, I know, we can't do that. Just yet. What is. This booking system is mysterious. [00:21:22] Speaker B: I don't know. [00:21:23] Speaker A: You know, Is it? [00:21:24] Speaker B: Well, your first thing. You gotta call first thing every morning and ask if they have any cancellations. [00:21:30] Speaker A: Oh, I should have done that. Oh, you're absolutely right. And that's the advice I gave you. [00:21:35] Speaker B: I know, and it works. And then the second thing is, you ought to try my gal, because you'd love her. [00:21:41] Speaker A: See, I have an osteopath. [00:21:43] Speaker B: Well, I don't have that fancy thing, but I love her. [00:21:45] Speaker A: Oh, no. But the osteopath is awesome because they're trained in the interrelatedness of the body systems. They're all doctors as well, but they. [00:21:53] Speaker B: Well, they ought to give up some of that training and learn how to use their scheduling system. Yeah. I don't understand. [00:21:58] Speaker A: She's not a magical human being. I don't understand why she's so difficult to get in to see. You know why? I know why. Because of where we live. There aren't enough doctors here. [00:22:07] Speaker B: Right? [00:22:08] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. Okay, go ahead, folks. I swear to God, we're going back to this comic. [00:22:12] Speaker B: Here we go. Well, that's all the time we have this week. [00:22:14] Speaker A: Da, da da, da, da, da. [00:22:16] Speaker B: Meanwhile, Dr. Paperwork, who's the head of the PCSTC, has got to get that letter back. [00:22:23] Speaker A: Got to. [00:22:24] Speaker B: So he tries to get it out of the mailbox. The postman sees him. Of course, that's federal crime. [00:22:28] Speaker A: That's a federal crime. Citizens arrest. [00:22:31] Speaker B: So he gets a fishing rod out. [00:22:33] Speaker A: And ends in full fishing gear. [00:22:35] Speaker B: Yeah. I don't know why he needed to get in the full fishing kit, complete with tackle basket. [00:22:40] Speaker A: Tackle basket. What'd you call it? [00:22:42] Speaker B: Trout basket. [00:22:43] Speaker A: Okay. That's good. [00:22:43] Speaker B: Yeah. I don't know what it's. I've been fishing once in my entire life. [00:22:47] Speaker A: Yeah, with your father? [00:22:48] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:22:48] Speaker A: Oh, God, I bet that was awful. [00:22:50] Speaker B: Well, I caught the biggest fish, and then I was shamed for it. 5 years old. How dare you catch the biggest fish? [00:22:56] Speaker A: That happened to me once. The last time I went fishing, as a matter of fact, it was with my mother's boyfriend. And I caught. We went out. We were fishing on the Intracoastal Waterway. It was super, super, super cold, and no one was catching anything. And I caught a sea bass, and it was huge. And everyone was angry with me for catching this bass. [00:23:17] Speaker B: Well, we'll go fishing with our boyfriend in Lone Murph and that'll heal both of our childhood. [00:23:22] Speaker A: Yeah. He'll take us to one of those polluted waterways around Columbus. We'll Put it back. [00:23:27] Speaker B: We don't have to eat it. [00:23:28] Speaker A: I don't want to eat it. I don't want to eat it. [00:23:31] Speaker B: He manages to nab the letter out of the Bozeman's bag with his fishing rod. But the Bozeman catches him with some extension scissors. Postmans are prepared. Prepared for anything the mail must go through. He finally cuts open the mailbag, unbeknownst to the postman, rips up several letters. It looks like, is this Mr. Paperwork? Mr. Paperwork. Doctor Paperwork. [00:23:57] Speaker A: Doctor Paperwork. [00:23:58] Speaker B: PhD. [00:23:59] Speaker A: He takes the letter, the one that is addressed to Vampire and the faculty of what is the high school? Benedict Arnold High School. Benedict Arnold High School takes the letter, but a lot of letters spill out. [00:24:09] Speaker B: Yes. The following day, at the office of Dr. Vampire of Dear old Benedict Arnold High, armed policemen are accosting Dr. Van Pyre. He thinks they're after him, but it turns out they're just protecting the postman, who managed to get the ripped pieces of the letter, collect them in a jar, and deliver it to Dr. Vampire. [00:24:38] Speaker A: That's a man who really did his job well. Yes, he loves his job. Speaking of which, one of our colleagues at school is rocking a mustache, and I don't typically like a mustache. Yeah, he's rocking a mustache. He's sporting a mustache. It looks great on him. It looks like he was. Like, the mustache was supposed to be. It's not one of our music colleagues. It's another discipline. But, like, really cool guy, great guy, goes to my church. Really cool guy. But, like, I'm embarrassed. Like, I don't want to make him self aware, but, like, he just grew a mustache recently. [00:25:10] Speaker B: Yes. [00:25:10] Speaker A: And it looks like it's like. Like, Tom Selleck looks great with a mustache. It looks like the mustache was. [00:25:16] Speaker B: Has he been a guest on this podcast? [00:25:18] Speaker A: No. No. [00:25:19] Speaker B: Okay, then I don't know who it is. [00:25:20] Speaker A: No, you don't. [00:25:21] Speaker B: All right. Dr. Vampire pieces the letter together, and after four hours of careful pasting, we read. Dear Mr. Vampire, you are cordially invited to sit on bubble gum because there's other garbage collected. There wasn't. Panel of state teachers convention subject remedial reading through the use of Jerry Lewis comics and improved student health habits such as coffee, cigarettes, as well as a new approach to mathematics utilizing number four. [00:25:53] Speaker A: It's a cash. What is that? Is it a lot of. [00:25:56] Speaker B: It's a raceway tag. [00:25:57] Speaker A: Oh, raceway. Are you using Raceway T. Gambling. [00:25:59] Speaker B: Gambling. A betting ticket. [00:26:00] Speaker A: Yep. [00:26:00] Speaker B: Yep. Dr. Vampire is delighted because they've never been invited. [00:26:05] Speaker A: Never. And he's been invited to Speak. [00:26:07] Speaker B: Yes. [00:26:08] Speaker A: They've never been invited to participate, to even attend. Now he's been invited to speak. [00:26:12] Speaker B: So they let school out early. The students overhear the teachers celebrating in Dr. Vampire's office. They're all delighted. They go to get their fancy dress on because the opening dinner is that very night at the Snob Hill Hotel. They're going to meet at Dr. Vampire's house and all ride together. [00:26:36] Speaker A: Does he have a hearse or something? [00:26:39] Speaker B: Yes, actually. [00:26:41] Speaker A: Oh, he does, does it? [00:26:43] Speaker B: Blah, blah, blah. They're all dressed up. Yes. Ms. Gastly's husband has lent her his business card for the night, which is a hearse. They arrive at Snob Hill Hotel. They are accosted at the door because the doorman, of course, knows not to let the faculty of Benedict Arnold high end, but they disguise themselves as the Beatles. [00:27:08] Speaker A: Well, that's actually Dr. Paperwork who's at the door. [00:27:11] Speaker B: Oh, true. Well, he's dressed like a bellman or something. [00:27:17] Speaker A: Because everybody knows the executive director of an association always stands outside of the hotel to guard against who might come in and might not come into the house. [00:27:25] Speaker B: Listen, if it's a non profit, I've done my share of guarding doors at nonprofit bars, keeping people out of the. [00:27:31] Speaker A: Open reception, checking for name tags. [00:27:38] Speaker B: So they present themselves as a rock and roll group, horror Kane and the Four Ghouls, and say we're in costume. You don't think anybody would really look this ghoulish, do you? No, of course not. [00:27:52] Speaker A: My mistake. [00:27:54] Speaker B: All right. They sneak. [00:27:55] Speaker A: It's so interesting what's happening simultaneously for this teacher's convention. [00:27:59] Speaker B: It's kind of sad, actually. [00:28:01] Speaker A: It is very sad. [00:28:04] Speaker B: So they sneak into the hotel. They head for the main dining room, assuming that's where the teacher's convention is. [00:28:10] Speaker A: But no. [00:28:11] Speaker B: But no. It's an empty banquet hall with only one, well, two people. A waiter and our old friend Badger Goldliver. The richest, rottenest kid in town who's throwing a birthday party for himself. [00:28:29] Speaker A: I bet that hat smells. [00:28:31] Speaker B: His motorcycle helmet. [00:28:32] Speaker A: Yeah, he never takes it off for sure. Yeah, you could. Definitely. You sweat under a motorcycle hat. It needs to dry out. [00:28:38] Speaker B: He's been holding this birthday party. He's been holding this birthday party for. She can't see you. Stop waving. [00:28:44] Speaker A: She can. She's walking up the driveway. She just checked her mail. Hi. Oh, is it. Oh, is it trash night tonight? [00:28:49] Speaker B: No, they're a day delay. [00:28:50] Speaker A: Okay. [00:28:51] Speaker B: Or more. We'll check the website. Is she seeing you? [00:28:57] Speaker A: Do you not censor me and allow me to wave? Go On. No, it's too late. She's. She didn't wave back. [00:29:03] Speaker B: I told you she couldn't see you. [00:29:05] Speaker A: What do you care if I'm waving my arm? [00:29:06] Speaker B: It's just. [00:29:07] Speaker A: It's movement. I'm not stealing your air away from you or anything. My goodness, I've been censored. [00:29:16] Speaker B: Not yet, but keep it up. Badger has been throwing this party for himself for four years, and no one has ever shown up. [00:29:25] Speaker A: Why didn't he invite his friends? [00:29:27] Speaker B: He doesn't have any friends except that one stoolie that follows him around, whose name I can't remember right now. Okay, but in the other banquet hall, Dr. Paperwork is welcoming everyone to the 16th annual convention. [00:29:42] Speaker A: Welcome to our 16th annual convention. Fellow teachers. However, you have no idea how close to disaster this one came through. A terrible error. We almost invited the faculty of Benedict Arnold High. To which everyone goes, no. [00:29:59] Speaker B: Ay. Now, Dr. Vampire is backstage, and he assumes he's just been introduced. Introduced. [00:30:07] Speaker A: And then he comes out and starts speaking. [00:30:10] Speaker B: Yes. [00:30:11] Speaker A: This is the proudest moment of my life. As I was saying to my pet monkey only this morning, gong, I said. [00:30:18] Speaker B: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile, in a hotel room, just Liza. [00:30:22] Speaker A: Minnelli in man costume and her two sidekicks are about to enter the scene. Yes, the side. The profile looks like Liza Minnelli. [00:30:29] Speaker B: Looks like Liza Minnelli in Dragon, Earthworm Jim and Snuffy Smith. That. [00:30:41] Speaker A: Snuffy Smith. That was apt. That had to have been a reference to him because he's always wiping his nose, which is disgusting. [00:30:47] Speaker B: Yes, but Snuffy Smith's not known for wiping his nose. Sleeve. [00:30:52] Speaker A: Meantime, in the hotel room just upstairs. [00:30:56] Speaker B: Big Bill, that's the Liza character. [00:31:00] Speaker A: He looks like a dandy, doesn't he? [00:31:01] Speaker B: Yes, he does. [00:31:02] Speaker A: He looks like he enjoys to sip his tea and extend his pinky up. And we're the confirmed bachelor type. We know the type. [00:31:09] Speaker B: I remember when my grandmother, Mrs. White, was watching Pee Wee's Big Adventure television. [00:31:14] Speaker A: Oh, everybody, say it, say it, say it. [00:31:17] Speaker B: Well, in my day, we would have called him a sissy. I love that. All right. Now, Big Bill wants to kidnap all of these teachers because in the newspaper, the president would have been President Johnson said, education is our greatest national treasure. Think what those teachers will bring in ransom. [00:31:40] Speaker A: As if. [00:31:41] Speaker B: I've got some news for you, Big Bill. 00. They'll just hire scabs to go and teach your children, right? They don't pay teachers. You think they're going to pay a ransom for them? [00:31:51] Speaker A: Hell, no. [00:31:52] Speaker B: No. All right. Meanwhile, Dr. Vampire is still speaking. The rest of the assembled faculty from around the country have fallen asleep. [00:32:05] Speaker A: It looks like he's got a good speech going on there. Yeah, Dr. Vampire says. And we at glorious Benedict Ardinal High have long realized that teaching is a vocation, not a vacation. [00:32:17] Speaker B: Ah, ah, ah, ah. [00:32:19] Speaker A: That's a little joke I threw in there to see if you're awake. [00:32:22] Speaker B: So they're not awake. [00:32:23] Speaker A: It's delightful. I'm sure his speech is quite entertaining. [00:32:26] Speaker B: Meanwhile, back at Badger's party. There is a band playing, but Badger has had to hire the metal men. Hire the metal women, I should say, to dance with him, because he didn't have any friends. Come to the party. Back in Big Bill's room, he's making plans. The dinner ends at 10 o'. Clock. By 10:06, all the teachers will be in their beds. He figures because teachers are stupid. And they go to bed six minutes after dinner. [00:32:55] Speaker A: He says, not because teachers are stupid, it's because they're teachers. [00:32:58] Speaker B: Well, we do go to bed pretty soon after eating dinner. [00:33:01] Speaker A: Yeah, we do. [00:33:03] Speaker B: All right, so. And Big Bill knows all about teachers because he had one. Unlike these other. [00:33:12] Speaker A: Because I had one. Meanwhile. Meanwhile, outside the hotel, we've got another cast of characters coming into our story. [00:33:20] Speaker B: It's Tadwallet or Jutfruits and his gal pals. And this stool, Pansy McGee. What's her name? I don't know. Redhead and brunette. [00:33:32] Speaker A: I love that red motorcycle. [00:33:34] Speaker B: Yes, it's a nice one. Tad's caught a Vespa. Of course, Tad has decided that even though. [00:33:43] Speaker A: What? Mention that I've got my motorcycle back out of the shop? [00:33:46] Speaker B: Yes, yes. [00:33:46] Speaker A: On the program. [00:33:47] Speaker B: Yes. [00:33:47] Speaker A: Okay. [00:33:48] Speaker B: I think so. [00:33:48] Speaker A: Have I mentioned how beautiful she is? [00:33:50] Speaker B: You just literally just did mention it all again. So. [00:33:52] Speaker A: Oh God, it is extraordinarily beautiful. [00:33:56] Speaker B: And you even had the former owner come and inspect. And he approved. He approved, all right, Tad. Even though Badger has made his life a living nightmare, Tad thought of surprising him by having all of his friends come to his birthday party. Because Tad has secretly concluded that it would be the best way to ruin his evening. [00:34:17] Speaker A: Yeah, so Tad's a jerk. [00:34:18] Speaker B: I am. [00:34:19] Speaker A: He's doing this to upset him, right? To get to upset Badger. Although Badger is so touched, he bursts into tears and pulls a Sally Field. Right? [00:34:31] Speaker B: Yes. [00:34:31] Speaker A: Or Emma Thompson. [00:34:32] Speaker B: Emma Thompson. Intense insensibility. [00:34:34] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:34:38] Speaker B: So he's crying and crying in his little flunky says, you were right, Tad. It did ruin his evening. Meanwhile. Meanwhile, upstairs, Ms. Gastly is congratulating Dr. Vampire. On his speech. [00:34:58] Speaker A: Is her first name Zombio. [00:35:00] Speaker B: Zombio. Ghastly. [00:35:01] Speaker A: Yes, she is sexy. [00:35:05] Speaker B: They're all. [00:35:05] Speaker A: And they're not together. [00:35:07] Speaker B: No. She's got a husband. [00:35:08] Speaker A: She's got her own husband. [00:35:09] Speaker B: Even though she goes by miss. That's how progressive. All right, then. Precisely at 10:06. Sniffles, who's one of these henchmen? He runs through the hallways banging pots and pans to alert everyone to that there's a fire in the hotel. So we are treated to a lovely half page shot of the faculty of Benedict Arnold High in there. As my mother would say, they're Night Gants. [00:35:40] Speaker A: She did call them Night Gantts. [00:35:44] Speaker B: With one addition. Granny and Tweety Bird. I'm sure that's supposed to represent. Yeah, from Looney Tunes cartoons. Everyone knows the reference there. [00:35:56] Speaker A: You know who's dialogue I do not enjoy reading. [00:35:58] Speaker B: Who? [00:35:59] Speaker A: The werewolves? [00:36:01] Speaker B: Yeah. Because he has a German accent. [00:36:02] Speaker A: Yeah. And there's nothing wrong with the Germans. I'm just saying it like I have to translate. I have to hear it in my head when I see how it's written out, you know, so it slows it down. [00:36:09] Speaker B: It's like reading actual German. [00:36:12] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:36:13] Speaker B: All right. One of these henchmen accuses this old lady of having a dog and she says, I don't have a dog. You should get your eyes examined. He's of course talking about the werewolf. [00:36:22] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:36:25] Speaker B: So under pretense of there being a fire in the hotel. Big Bill is outside. [00:36:30] Speaker A: You mean Liza Minnelli? Yes, yes. Signals for everyone to get in, to take safety by getting into these transport vehicles, which are disgusting. [00:36:40] Speaker B: Just moving trucks and trash trucks and things that he gathered off the street. They're locked in, but he's telling them they're being transported to another hotel for safety. Meanwhile. There's lots of meanwhiles in this comic. Driving down the road is Bob Hope, noted entertainer, and his dog Harvard. Harvard. Who could talk. [00:36:58] Speaker A: Harvard. [00:36:59] Speaker B: Harvard. [00:36:59] Speaker A: Love Harvard. Harvard. I love that he has two names. Same name twice. [00:37:03] Speaker B: Right. [00:37:04] Speaker A: Is that why our friends call the dog Harlan? Harlan? [00:37:09] Speaker B: I don't know. [00:37:09] Speaker A: Do you remember that in Florida. [00:37:12] Speaker B: Yes. [00:37:13] Speaker A: They called. They called their dog Harlan. Harlan. [00:37:16] Speaker B: Well, we used to call our dog Fred. Fred. But that was not his actual name. His name was just Fred. [00:37:24] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:37:25] Speaker B: So maybe it's just like a little nickname or something. All right. Bob and Harvard. Harvard come upon these teachers being shuttled into moving vans and he gets suspicious. He gets suspicious. But then he is mistaken for a teacher and also shuffled into one of the trucks and Poor Harvard Harvard and Harvard Harvard. So he sees Dr. Vampire, who he knows. And away they go. There's a dog catcher truck, garbage truck, the Acme Glue Company, which we learned smells of dead horses. The fish delivery truck. And outside the hotel, Tad and Badger also see the teachers driving by in the garbage truck. Tad rightfully notices that it's a shame. Disgraceful the way they underpay teachers forcing them to live without dignity. [00:38:33] Speaker A: Look at Badger's motorcycle. All right. [00:38:36] Speaker B: Yes. [00:38:37] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:38:37] Speaker B: They're all going to go in pursuit of the teachers. [00:38:40] Speaker A: See what's going on. [00:38:43] Speaker B: The teachers are happily trying to make the best of their situation. Singing in the cars. Row, row, row your boat. They arrive at their substitute hotel, which is actually an abandoned subway station. They're all forced to downstairs. [00:39:04] Speaker A: And they don't realize it's an abandoned subway station. [00:39:07] Speaker B: Air Force. No, not yet. But they're trapped inside because one of the henchmen welds the turnstile shut with a machine gun. With a machine gun. [00:39:17] Speaker A: I don't understand how that works. [00:39:19] Speaker B: But Bob Hope's very disappointed because there's only one bench and no bathroom facilities down there in the abandoned subway tunnel. Meanwhile, upstairs, Tad et al can't find any sign at the teachers. Tad accidentally steps on an open manhole and falls down into the subway. [00:39:47] Speaker A: What an idiot. Of course there was a sign there. There's a danger. [00:39:51] Speaker B: There was a sign that said danger. But we know Tad doesn't really. [00:39:53] Speaker A: And then there are a whole cast of characters in this. This is just a crazy tribute. [00:40:00] Speaker B: A lot going on. [00:40:01] Speaker A: Yeah, there are a lot of people down here in the subway. [00:40:04] Speaker B: Well, there's a homeless gentleman who's begging Tad for help because he's been trapped down there for three years looking for the 42nd Street Crosstown. Then Tad says, you all stay up there, friends. I'm gonna find a way out of here. [00:40:21] Speaker A: So the next people he runs into are two tunnel. A Frenchman and a German. [00:40:26] Speaker B: Yes. [00:40:27] Speaker A: Men who dig tunnels. [00:40:28] Speaker B: Yes. [00:40:29] Speaker A: And they have dug their way. They were to work on the tunnel from England to France, and they have somehow made a wrong turn and dug all the way over to the United States. [00:40:40] Speaker B: And lost their shirts in the process. [00:40:42] Speaker A: Well, they spent a lot of time together. They've become rather close, I suppose. [00:40:47] Speaker B: They're Frenchmen. You know how the French are. All right. Tad bids them adieu, turns another corner and finds the Los Angeles Dodgers. [00:40:55] Speaker A: I liked this, actually. He said, well, we asked him, you know, what are you doing down here? And they said, where would you hide if you lost the World Series 4, 0. And we just took a vote not to come back up till 1969. I chuckled at that. [00:41:07] Speaker B: I didn't even research that I assumed I lost the World Series. [00:41:11] Speaker A: I didn't care enough to actually pick up my phone and type a few words. [00:41:14] Speaker B: No. [00:41:14] Speaker A: But I just assumed it was true. [00:41:16] Speaker B: Because I know we have one list that would not like any mention of sports on this podcast. [00:41:22] Speaker A: And I believe we have one listener who understands sports on this podcast. [00:41:25] Speaker B: Well, maybe someone will write in and tell us. Do the research for us. Yes, we have to. [00:41:30] Speaker A: Literally, I could reach my right hand down right now and pick up the phone and look this fact. I just don't care. [00:41:36] Speaker B: No, no. All right. Tad turns another corner and finds a band of cavemen. They've been rehearsing down there for 12,000 years. We call ourselves the Beatles, but we're not ready to debut yet. [00:41:53] Speaker A: News flash, guys, you're a little late. [00:41:54] Speaker B: You're late. Meanwhile, back where the straight people live, they don't mean heterosexual, they mean straight as in upright citizens. Drew Fearsome is the announcer on the news. I have no idea who that's supposed to be, but someone I'm sure. [00:42:12] Speaker A: What's the guy who used to do his. Paul Harvey. [00:42:16] Speaker B: Paul Harvey. Now you know the rest of the story. He predicts that China, suffering a disastrous chop suey harvest, will attack turkey with knives and forks. Also, the UN will move from New York if traffic conditions permit. Wait, here's a flash bulletin. 2000 state school teachers have just been kidnapped. For further details on this, we take you to the capitol and our governor. [00:42:47] Speaker A: My fellow citizens, this is a grim moment for us all. And your state government shall not rest for one second until those wonderful people are returned. Rest assured, I am on the job. He's playing cards. There's a camera facing him with close up shot. What the audience can't see is he's literally sitting at a table gambling he's not working. [00:43:11] Speaker B: And what of the students of the great state? What is their reaction? They're asking 10 million bucks for 2,000 teachers. That's 5,000 ahead. [00:43:21] Speaker A: And most of those teachers ain't worth it. We say no ransom, fight crime, don't encourage it. [00:43:28] Speaker B: But also, you're hoping there will be no more school, right? But the school superintendent says if there's any interruption, you'll all have to repeat this term next year. [00:43:40] Speaker A: Oh, no. [00:43:41] Speaker B: Well, the students changed their tune. Now they do want the teachers rescued. Did I ever tell you about the protest I was involved in in high school? [00:43:52] Speaker A: Oh, My God. Is this a new story? [00:43:54] Speaker B: It might be. [00:43:55] Speaker A: Please tell me. [00:43:57] Speaker B: Well, they were making what you might call an academic reprioritization. They were going to get rid of some teachers at our small little 400 student high school. [00:44:10] Speaker A: Well, they call that a retrenchment, actually. [00:44:12] Speaker B: But okay, whatever you call it. So, bunch of students went out at lunch hour and marched around the football field. We had placards and everything. You did? Got my picture in the paper? Yes. [00:44:26] Speaker A: Oh, what did you say? [00:44:28] Speaker B: Do you remember this? I don't remember. But I do remember Linda Levis, my particular friend, had a sign that said canned tuna. Not teachers. Oh, we were quite the radicals, I'm sure. I have that picture. I'll have to find it for you. [00:44:47] Speaker A: I heard that story. Thank you. [00:44:50] Speaker B: You're welcome. [00:44:50] Speaker A: All these years, after 33 years, I hear a new story. That's right. [00:44:56] Speaker B: We made the. What? [00:44:57] Speaker A: It'll be 34 years. [00:44:59] Speaker B: It will? [00:45:00] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:45:02] Speaker B: Time flies when you're having fun. Yes, it was the front page of. [00:45:07] Speaker A: The Tri Village News, the Columbus Tatler, the Grandview Bee. [00:45:16] Speaker B: All right, Extry. Extry. [00:45:18] Speaker A: Young kids march around football field and. [00:45:20] Speaker B: Try to save teachers jobs. Have to get back for sixth period. Back among the victims. Down on the subway, Dr. Vampire has discovered that Bob Hope is right. This is not a Hotel, which Dr. Vampire first suspected when a subway train ran through the lobby. Well, that's not so unusual. Disney World, the Contemporary Hotel has the. [00:45:45] Speaker A: You're right. What do they call it? They have that mess up. The Metro. No, not Metrorail. Monorail. [00:45:51] Speaker B: Monorail goes right through the lobby. Yeah, convenient as anything. I was so excited the first time I went to Disney World with my parents that we were going to stay at the Contemporary Resort. Contemporary Resort, but not in the big building. It was one of the outbuildings. Yeah, it's a little disappointing. Anyway, Bob Hope's suspicions are confirmed and he thinks that they are holding them for ransom. Now, you could probably get some ransom from Bob Hope. Sure. Probably get all the money you wanted for beloved entertainer Bob Hope. Not these teachers. All right. Dr. Vampire rallies. Not from him. [00:46:32] Speaker A: If you hold him for ransom. [00:46:34] Speaker B: If you hold him for. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I meant. Dr. Vampire orders the other teachers to strip for action. [00:46:43] Speaker A: They're putting on their frightful costumes because they've decided they're gonna terrorize the kidnappers. And it was a good plot. [00:46:49] Speaker B: Dr. Vampire Accosts Liza Minnelli and asks if you are aware, sir, that there is a federal law against kidnapping. So Big Bill is Gonna bring out the big guns. And he turns around and sees Dr. Vampire in the flesh, who then flies. Who flies? Well, he is a vampire. Yeah. After Big Bill, the faculty have a good old time, frightening Big Bill and his henchmen, since they're all monsters. [00:47:25] Speaker A: Yes. [00:47:27] Speaker B: Finally they make their escape. Big Bill and his henchmen beat it out of there. Meanwhile, down the tunnel a ways, Tad is still looking for a way out. [00:47:40] Speaker A: He runs into some sort of peddler. [00:47:44] Speaker B: Well, it's a beatnik, looks like to me. [00:47:47] Speaker A: Oh, he's got some things that he's selling, though. [00:47:49] Speaker B: He's probably things he's stolen. Big trench coat. [00:47:51] Speaker A: He's probably a heroin addict. [00:47:53] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, for sure. Like all beatniks. Yeah, all right. He's got a. [00:48:00] Speaker A: Or a socialist. [00:48:02] Speaker B: Same diff. He opens his trench coat not to flash Tad, but to offer him some of his stolen wares. Tad is frightened, falls backwards. Tad understands what happens if he gets too emotional. So he's trying to contain his emotions, but it's too late. And who should appear super hip. Super hip. That nightingale in a forest of croak and crows. That cherry in the punch bowl of life. That orchid in a world of human crabgrass. And that's only what my enemies call me. [00:48:44] Speaker A: Well, there's something bad about to happen when you got all super Hip released. [00:48:50] Speaker B: Meanwhile, Big Bill and his fleeing henchmen run right into Superhip, tell him they're being chased by monsters. Super Hip is hip, understands the situation immediately. He grows his head giant and inhales the clothes off of the criminals. Then he procures somehow procures a yard. [00:49:23] Speaker A: And a half of pure chewing gum. [00:49:24] Speaker B: Well, he goes, get, we've seen the gum machines from the subway earlier. So he goes and consumes a half a yard and a yard and a half of pure chewing gum. Blows. [00:49:37] Speaker A: So yard's three feet, right? 36 inches? [00:49:41] Speaker B: Yes, right. [00:49:42] Speaker A: So. Wow, that's a lot of gum. [00:49:45] Speaker B: Now there's this one gag I don't get, sniffles. The henchman is looking at Big Bill, who is standing there in his boxer. [00:49:54] Speaker A: Shorts, who apparently is not Liza Minnelli, now that I look at him. [00:49:58] Speaker B: No, not with those legs. [00:50:01] Speaker A: Those are not tap dancing feet. [00:50:02] Speaker B: And the henchman is pointing at the boxer shorts and saying, shame on you, Big Bill. Don't you know it's Saturday? [00:50:12] Speaker A: Oh. [00:50:14] Speaker B: What do you get it if. [00:50:18] Speaker A: It'S an obscure reference or not obscure. It's a reference to like, you can wear your underwear four days in a row by if you're wearing Boxers by wearing them one day, turning them around the next day, turning them inside out the next day, and then turning them inside out and around the other day. [00:50:37] Speaker B: But then if you're turning them around, the fly's gonna be in the back, and that's no good if you're an underwear. [00:50:42] Speaker A: No one really does that, but it's a. We've never talked about it because it's disgusting. I would never wear underwear more than one day. [00:50:50] Speaker B: No. [00:50:51] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:50:52] Speaker B: I mean, I might wear it for a day and then sleep in it and then change the next morning. [00:50:57] Speaker A: Yes. Yeah. But there's a reason why you and I each have, like, 20 pairs of underwear. [00:51:02] Speaker B: I have at least 40. [00:51:03] Speaker A: My God, why not? I mean, just because they're soft and. [00:51:07] Speaker B: You never know, you might have an accident. You never know. [00:51:09] Speaker A: You never know. [00:51:10] Speaker B: You've got to be prepared. [00:51:11] Speaker A: Always be prepared. [00:51:13] Speaker B: Anyway, Super Hit blows giant bubbles with this gum, traps the criminals in the bubble gum where they float up to the street level only to be met by armed policemen. It was all a trap. As if super had planned the whole thing. [00:51:30] Speaker A: Yeah. And they beg to be taken away. [00:51:33] Speaker B: Because we're all stumped with a story. We are. We've had such minimal Bob Hope and minimal super hip. [00:51:38] Speaker A: Thank God. [00:51:40] Speaker B: Later. The brunette gal, Tad's back to normal. She wants to invite him inside for some hot cocoa or something. Lisa. That's her name. I'd love to, Lisa, but Mr. Hope is waiting for me. [00:52:00] Speaker A: Why? Is Tad his kid? [00:52:03] Speaker B: No, Tad's like his godson or something. He lives with them, though. Now Bob Hope knows that Tad is super hip. I think super hip or I think Tad doesn't remember. He just knows that he blacks out when he gets too angry, like a drunk. Right now, Tad and Lisa have been embracing for 15 minutes, and Bob Hope says that's because when he was super hip, he got himself covered in gum. Unknown to him, of course. And that's what's holding them together. [00:52:37] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:52:37] Speaker B: The end of the story. But not the end of this podcast, because we've got another story coming up. [00:52:45] Speaker A: But we have run out of diversions. [00:52:47] Speaker B: We have. Well, I'll be the judge of that. [00:52:51] Speaker A: What are we? [00:52:51] Speaker B: Sergeant Rock, our army at war number 179, a timely, socially relevant tale. [00:53:02] Speaker A: Our army at War. [00:53:06] Speaker B: Number. What did I say? 179? [00:53:09] Speaker A: Yep. [00:53:11] Speaker B: Sergeant Rock speaking. Sometimes the most rugged fights are not those fought against the enemy. One combat. Happy Joe had to fight that kind of battle that could break your heart, as you'll feel your own heart being drilled By a penny for Jackie Johnson. Jackie Johnson, as you may recall, is an African American soldier in Easy Company. [00:53:41] Speaker A: Former boxer. [00:53:42] Speaker B: Former boxer. And used by Bob Kanaker to raise awareness of racial issues in America in the 1960s. Good for him. It's a little heavy handed in this issue. [00:53:59] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:54:00] Speaker B: And. Well, we'll talk about it. Yeah. Sergeant Rock has welcomed a new replacement to Easy Company. A guy with an eye as cold as the bead on a sniper's rifle. [00:54:18] Speaker A: His name is Sharkey. [00:54:20] Speaker B: And he sauntered up the road toward where easy was taken. 10. I don't like saunterers. I like people who mill. All right, he's a veteran of combat. Rock will be happy to have him in the outfit. Then that cold eye fell on Jackie Johnson and he did a double take as if he didn't believe it. Yeah, well, in fairness, there was not much integration in combat units in World War II. Not until 1948. All right. Sharkey speaks to Rock, but everyone, including Jackie, overhears him. Say, what kind of a voice does he have? [00:55:09] Speaker A: A southern voice and kind of nasally. Cause he's got that long, nasty looking woodpecker's nose. [00:55:19] Speaker B: Right. [00:55:20] Speaker A: Look at it. [00:55:21] Speaker B: That's a nose. It's been broken for sure. And he's redhead, so. [00:55:26] Speaker A: Yeah, Sting's probably Kevin. [00:55:28] Speaker B: Yes, Kevin Sharkey. How'd he get in here, Sarge? I didn't know his kind was allowed in the first. Classified. Now to feel like Easy. [00:55:40] Speaker A: Jackie didn't say a word. He just. [00:55:41] Speaker B: This is what. I have a problem with it. Jackie just takes it. [00:55:45] Speaker A: Oh, you have a problem with that? [00:55:48] Speaker B: Well, I mean, it's. I understand the nobility is what the writer is trying to get across. And also I understand that in the 60s a man of color could not speak up. [00:56:03] Speaker A: I was kind of waiting for Easy. [00:56:05] Speaker B: Company to the rest of them. The rest of them, work this guy over. [00:56:09] Speaker A: Work this guy over. [00:56:10] Speaker B: Yeah, but Jackie doesn't say a word. He keeps cleaning his rifle. But the words hit him like the gloves he used to face when he was heavyweight boxing champ of the world. [00:56:23] Speaker A: Sarge tried to put him straight. [00:56:26] Speaker B: Let's. Well, Sergeant Rock also has that accent. [00:56:29] Speaker A: Well, he just tells him that there's only one color in Easy Company, and that's GI And Jackie Johnson is the best man in the outfit. And then. [00:56:38] Speaker B: Oh, not where I come from, Sarge. [00:56:43] Speaker A: I love that voice. [00:56:46] Speaker B: Sharkey had ice water in his veins because he ambled over. He ambles too. He saunters. Ambles. And probably Mills. [00:56:53] Speaker A: He's probably a self Confident, idiot, racist bastard. Well, yeah, yeah. [00:56:58] Speaker B: Just stay out of my way when the shooting starts, boy. Hear me? [00:57:01] Speaker A: Oh, God, I hate that so much. I hated. I hate having grown up in the South. Yeah, I hate hearing the word boy. When they refer to black men, that is. It's almost as derogatory as the N word. It's so. It's awful. [00:57:21] Speaker B: I want someone near me I can depend on, and that's not one of your kind. Jackie ignores him. To which Sharkey replies, answer when you're spoken to, boy, or I'll teach you manners. That's when Sergeant Rock grabs Sharkey. Well, okay, so he is gonna maybe rough him up a little bit. [00:57:43] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:57:45] Speaker B: Don't you realize, you fool, that Jackie isn't breaking you in half with his fists? Because as the ex heavyweight champ of the world, his fists are weapons that can kill. [00:57:55] Speaker A: Yeah, I'll take him on any time. These guys fold up in a clinch. God. So then Bulldozer comes in. [00:58:02] Speaker B: Bulldozer, the biggest, meanest one of them all. [00:58:05] Speaker A: And Sharkey gets him with a punch. Yeah, but Bulldozer bounces right back, doesn't he? [00:58:11] Speaker B: Yeah, he does. [00:58:12] Speaker A: And lands. And the two exchange blows, fisticuffs. But then Jackie gets in the way and breaks it up. [00:58:19] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:58:19] Speaker A: Jackie Johnson stepped in between the scrappers and took a double punch from both of them before they could stop themselves. [00:58:25] Speaker B: Says, I don't need you to Bulldozer to fight my own battles. [00:58:28] Speaker A: Jackie spoke in a soft voice to the hard breathing Shark. [00:58:30] Speaker B: Oh, sorry, he's got a soft voice. [00:58:32] Speaker A: All I want to do is my job. Easy, soldier. I'm not asking for special treatment. I'm an American GI like everyone else and the real enemy is out in front of us. Let's not give him a big laugh by fighting among ourselves. That would be winning his war for him. What do you say? Let's shake and fight together. That's a nice, noble, noble thing to say. [00:58:52] Speaker B: But this bastard's mother, Sharket gave him that cold sniper's eye and looked at Jackie's outstretched hand like it was a live fizzing grenade. [00:59:03] Speaker A: Threw a penny in it. [00:59:05] Speaker B: He gives Jackie a penny and says, where I come from, we don't shake hands with the likes of you. We just drop a coin in it. Yeah. Jackie takes the coin and looks at it as if he saw all the insults that had been dealt to his race gathered in that little coin and says, I'll hold this penny for you, soldier, until you will ask for it back. [00:59:34] Speaker A: Sarge lets Sharkey have it he says, you're like a rotten apple dumped in an outfit of company Happy Joes. Excuse me? You're like a rotten apple dumped in an outfit of combat Happy Joes. I don't want the likes of you in a first class gang like ours. And I'm going to get rid of you the first chance I get. Read me, soldier Irene. [00:59:55] Speaker B: You, Sarge. You're like all the rest who love his kind. You're spoiling a good thing and you don't even know it. Now Jackie steps in between Sarge and Sharky and says, this man is entitled to his opinion, Sarge. And he can keep it until I can change it for him. [01:00:14] Speaker A: And that's how things stood. And we're gonna get into some combat now. [01:00:17] Speaker B: Yep. Sarge meanwhile, is wondering when one or the other of these fellows is gonna just bust loose and go crazy. Next minute, heavy machine gun fire opens up on them from the underbrush ahead. Jackie is right by Sarge's side and Sharkey is beside him, insulting him in the midst of combat. [01:00:45] Speaker A: Yeah, their lives are at stake. And he's. [01:00:47] Speaker B: Jack ignores him. Leaps past the fallen machine gunners at the infantry backing them up. Takes on Germans and fights like he always does. [01:00:59] Speaker A: And then Sharkey does too. Sharkey was fighting like a first class soldier. That's what Sarge says. [01:01:07] Speaker B: Too bad he's an asshole. [01:01:08] Speaker A: Asshole and a racist. [01:01:11] Speaker B: Sarge gets punched out, passes out briefly, and all of a sudden he wakes up and hears Jackie complimenting Sharkey on his fighting prowess. [01:01:25] Speaker A: Sharkey didn't want to hear it. [01:01:26] Speaker B: No, he was asking for your talk. When I want a word from you, I'll ask for it. But don't hold your breath until then because it won't be coming. Jackie apologizes. I didn't notice till now. Jackie's got cabbage ear from his boxing days. [01:01:42] Speaker A: Oh yeah, look at that. [01:01:48] Speaker B: All right. Sarge realizes that Jackie is feeling the pressure of holding this penny. Ice cream Soldier and Little sure Shot are having a little aside conversation because Little Sure Shots. [01:02:04] Speaker A: Is he Asian? [01:02:05] Speaker B: No, he's American Indian. [01:02:07] Speaker A: American Indian. I see the. [01:02:08] Speaker B: Yeah, well, Native American. Native American. [01:02:13] Speaker A: We're just using the term from what was used, right. [01:02:17] Speaker B: And Little Turshot accurately says, I'm wondering when he'll realize that my skin is a different color also. All right. Sarge still thinks that Sharkey's a first class soldier when he fights. But when he opens his mouth, he spreads poison that might infect Easy Company. That penny's gonna burn a hole right through Jackie until he can make Sharky, take it back. And from where I sit, that looks like never. All right. Sarge has to take out a night patrol and inexplicably includes Sharkey because he's a good fighter and he keeps hoping against hope that he'll see the. Oh, what's that? [01:03:10] Speaker A: My iPad just responded to me. My cough. [01:03:15] Speaker B: That was weird, all right. He overhears Sharkey whisper to Jackie to stay out of his way. Suddenly, a flare lights up the night. Sharkey stumbles and Jackie's hand steadies him as he was about to fall. Sharkey doesn't take kindly to being touched by a man of color. As soon as the flare dies down, Sarge berates Sharkey. Says, jack, he probably saved you by steadying you so you made no movement that a gunner could pick up in the light of the flare. You owe him your thanks for helping you out. Sharkey's not going to hear it. Sarge realizes now that he shouldn't have let him come along on the patrol. [01:04:06] Speaker A: Yeah, all right. [01:04:09] Speaker B: They come upon a German night patrol. They flat to the ground. They lay flat as the enemy moves nearer and nearer and. And then when they're close, they ambush them. [01:04:24] Speaker A: And guns and fists start. [01:04:26] Speaker B: Guns and fists. Mostly fists, because this is a comic book. Sarge is concerned that the gunfire might bring more enemy soldiers, so they. That's why they do so much punching. Jackie, of course, beats twice as many men as the other combat happy Joes. Sharkey is also doing his share, to which Sarge has to give him props. They stagger up from the fight, get ready to go back toward Easy. But Sharkey still has not gotten up. Jackie tries to pick him up or at least help him walk. And Sharkey is not having it. They will never. No, sorry. They'll never come a day when I ask for a hand from your kind. Hear me? [01:05:21] Speaker A: A tank loomed up. [01:05:22] Speaker B: Here comes the tank. Their only chance is to get in close and attack it. [01:05:28] Speaker A: So the Easy Company hits the tank. They run up to the tank and start firing inside of it. The tank. Apparently, everybody dies inside the tank, but the tank keeps lumbering forward. [01:05:36] Speaker B: Well, and also a. A round from the tank hits Sharkey. Yes. Which Jackie alerts Sarge to. Sarge says, we can't take care of him now. We got to take care of the tank. They have killed everyone inside, but they can't stop the tank. [01:05:57] Speaker A: Right? [01:05:57] Speaker B: And it's heading straight for Sharkey. Jackie jumps off the tank, grabs Sharkey, pulls him out of the way, out from under the treads of the Tank, I guess they throw a grenade in or something. They take care of the tank. The rest of EZ offers to carry Sharkey back to camp, and Jackie won't have it. Jackie himself is injured, but Jackie will not let anyone else carry him. Batch camp. No. Sharkey's eyes open on the way back, but he doesn't say anything to Jackie until both men are being bandaged. Jackie, I had to learn the hard way that when the chips are down, all men's skins are the same. Can I. Can I have my penny back? [01:06:55] Speaker A: I've been saving it for you, soldier. [01:06:59] Speaker B: Like Sergeant Rock said, there's only one color of a man's skin out here, and that's GI Sharkey went on to become Assistant Secretary of State in the new administration. [01:07:20] Speaker A: He found a place for his kind of belief. [01:07:23] Speaker B: I wish it was that easy to overcome racism, which unfortunately still exists in this very degree 80 years later, after World War II and 50, 60 years after this comic was written. [01:07:38] Speaker A: It's even more prominent now than it has been in recent history. [01:07:44] Speaker B: Well, I didn't mean to bring the room down. [01:07:46] Speaker A: No, no, it's fine. It's fine. It was a good story and I'm sure it changed the hearts of some, perhaps. [01:07:53] Speaker B: Well, I. You know who's reading this? Eight to 12 year olds. [01:07:57] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. [01:07:59] Speaker B: I mean, I'm. [01:08:01] Speaker A: I mean, I was. I was raised in a very racist family. [01:08:03] Speaker B: Yes. Yeah. [01:08:04] Speaker A: So. [01:08:07] Speaker B: I. I mean, I wouldn't say my family was racist. [01:08:10] Speaker A: There was racism in your. [01:08:12] Speaker B: There was racism in my family. [01:08:14] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:08:15] Speaker B: Now, my father would make these sweeping racist statements about groups of people, but if Jackie Johnson came to our front door, if an individual came of any race, color, creed, your father would help. Yes. They would have a hot meal. They would have a bed. They would have clothes off my father's back if they needed it. [01:08:43] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:08:43] Speaker B: I've always found that very unusual. [01:08:45] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. [01:08:47] Speaker B: I never understood why it didn't break through all the way. [01:08:52] Speaker A: I had a crush on a girl in high school who was African American. [01:08:59] Speaker B: Yes. [01:09:00] Speaker A: And I remember knowing that I couldn't speak about it with my family without getting a tremendous blowback. [01:09:07] Speaker B: Yes. Yeah. But, you know, well, she was a girl. That was your first problem. [01:09:16] Speaker A: Like I should have led with something else. Mom, I'm gay, by the way. I like this girl, but she's black. Oh, thank God. [01:09:27] Speaker B: What must they have thought of me? [01:09:30] Speaker A: Oh, they brought me out, didn't they? [01:09:32] Speaker B: They did. [01:09:33] Speaker A: And, you know, they really changed over the years. I think my mother really softened over the years. [01:09:37] Speaker B: Yes. [01:09:38] Speaker A: Yeah. I don't think she remained as racist as. I don't know. I talk about racism, but the racism in my family wasn't necessarily towards people of African American people. It was overtly racist against Hispanic people. Really? Because, you know, I was born in Miami and. [01:09:59] Speaker B: Born in Miami. Yeah. [01:10:00] Speaker A: And my mother always described the decision to move from Miami to Central Florida to the beach town to escape the Hispanics is what, you know, she always described it. And I happened. It was one of my fondest memories of being in kindergarten, in elementary school, as having bilingual education. And I loved when we lived back in Miami when I went to graduate school. I loved that. Culture has always been a part of my life. [01:10:23] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:10:24] Speaker A: So part of my identity. So I. [01:10:26] Speaker B: Well, they have the best food. [01:10:27] Speaker A: Well, yes. That's. Best music, you know, And I don't know, it's just. It was exciting. [01:10:33] Speaker B: That's great. It's different now. My parents also took you in. [01:10:37] Speaker A: Yes. [01:10:38] Speaker B: Which you're very lucky because you were Catholic at the time. [01:10:42] Speaker A: Oh, I know. I wasn't a practicing Catholic. [01:10:49] Speaker B: No. [01:10:50] Speaker A: But I was a musician. [01:10:51] Speaker B: So the taint was still on you. I never got that either. I don't know why they were. Well, I guess my grandfather was a Mason and they didn't like Catholics. [01:11:03] Speaker A: No. No. [01:11:05] Speaker B: So my mother, again, Catholics were welcome as individuals in the home. And all of. Literally all our whole neighborhood was Catholic, Italian. [01:11:13] Speaker A: Your mother took in that Romani woman. [01:11:16] Speaker B: I know, right? I'm telling you, any individual is fine. Yeah. Yeah. As long as we can sit around the campfire at night and talk about the papists down the street. [01:11:33] Speaker A: Well, good for the writers. [01:11:34] Speaker B: Good for writer. Bob Kanagar. [01:11:37] Speaker A: Bob Kanagar. Yeah. Sorry. [01:11:39] Speaker B: A for effort. [01:11:40] Speaker A: Yes. [01:11:40] Speaker B: And I guess considering the time. [01:11:43] Speaker A: Well, we encounter racism a lot in these comics. [01:11:47] Speaker B: Oh, yeah? [01:11:47] Speaker A: Yeah, a lot. [01:11:48] Speaker B: So, I mean, but usually it's just stereotypes and sexism. Stereotypes, racism. It's not someone trying to address the issue. Good on him. [01:11:56] Speaker A: I just didn't like this comic because of Sharkey. I just. I didn't like how unwavering he was in his racism. Yeah, but sometimes it takes being confronted with your immortality to change your ways of thinking. [01:12:11] Speaker B: If only you can find us on social media, okojakpod. You can rate and review us wherever you get your podcasts from. [01:12:18] Speaker A: From. [01:12:19] Speaker B: And you can find us back here. I don't know when. [01:12:24] Speaker A: A couple weeks ago. [01:12:25] Speaker B: As soon as humanly possible. [01:12:27] Speaker A: We might be able to fit one in. Who knows? [01:12:28] Speaker B: Sure. [01:12:29] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:12:29] Speaker B: That's what she said. In the meantime, you can check out our sister podcast, Nerd Orchestra, and go outside, read a comic, touch grass if you can find it, under the ice, and we'll see you real soon. [01:12:46] Speaker A: Real soon. [01:12:47] Speaker B: Bye. [01:12:48] Speaker C: You don't have to be a politician? You can change it all with a sin and disposition? So be heavy and spread it all around? If you find yourself a frownin'? Just turn it upside down? When you wear a smile the world will shout hooray. You gotta turn on the sunshine? You gotta give in one thing. [01:13:21] Speaker B: Time. [01:13:23] Speaker C: You gotta turn on the sunshine? Push those blues away, Man, this dialectic's too much.