Goin' to the Chap-Hell (Jimmy Olsen 100)

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Are you ready? Yeah. Are you with it? [00:00:02] Speaker B: Yeah. Okay, let's go. You know what to do. The whole world's watching and counting on you. And all you people listening out there. Everybody everywhere. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Welcome to Checkered Past, a loving postmodern examination of the. Go. Go. Check. Branded comic magazines published by DC Comics between February 1966 and August 1967. I'm Dr. Bob, and each week I'll be your guide on this trippy tour through 535 mid century masterpieces of graphic noveldom. This week, Superman's pal, Jimmy Olsen. 100. Cover date March 1967 cover price, 12 cents. Cover artist Kurt Swan and George Klein. Edited by Mort Wisinger. Featuring Jimmy Olsen's Weirdo Wedding Written by Leo Dorfman. Art by Pete Costanza. Are you ready? Are you with it? Then away we go. Go. [00:01:01] Speaker C: If you're walking in the shadows Then it's time that you get wise. Just forget about your troubles and open up your eyes. When you wear a smile the world will shout hooray. You gotta turn on the sunshine. You're gonna push the blues away. [00:01:30] Speaker B: After rescuing Lucy Lane from a rude date, Jimmy Olsen proposes. Lucy accepts and the couple plans their wedding. Ms. Gizpitliznes from the Fifth Dimension becomes jealous and sabotages the wedding. Disguised as Supergirl, she gives Lucy red kryptonite lipstick which causes Superman to transform into a mole man whenever Jimmy kisses her. Confused? Don't worry. I'll be right back with doctor Husband to explain everything. The bell kept on ringing. The bell kept on ringing. They were ringing. Can you hear them ringing? Day. Love is in the air. Hey, remember when we were hired to sing at a gay wedding? A very fancy gay wedding. [00:02:53] Speaker A: Yes. We won't say their last names. [00:02:54] Speaker B: No, we won't. [00:02:55] Speaker A: Both attorneys. [00:02:56] Speaker B: Years and years and years ago, before gay marriage was a thing in Florida. [00:03:00] Speaker A: Nonetheless. [00:03:01] Speaker B: Yes. And they had a spectacular house on the riverfront. And we were hired to sing because the local harp player refused to participate because of her deeply held religious beliefs. [00:03:20] Speaker A: True. Correct. [00:03:21] Speaker B: And then our friend at the end of the ceremony played Love is in the Air on violin. [00:03:30] Speaker A: Yes. [00:03:31] Speaker B: While they released doves into the air. [00:03:33] Speaker A: Do you remember what we sang as our duet? [00:03:37] Speaker B: I don't. [00:03:37] Speaker A: You don't? [00:03:38] Speaker B: No. [00:03:39] Speaker A: Oh, my God. Music lovers. [00:03:40] Speaker B: Was it a Dolly Parton song? [00:03:42] Speaker A: No, but it was so, so sappy. [00:03:44] Speaker B: Oh, wait. [00:03:45] Speaker A: One Hand, One Heart from West side Story. Yes. Right. Remember, you and I, when we were practicing, we would pretend like we would take one hand and hold it out one hand. One hand. And then slowly as we're singing, as we were getting to the even. Death won't part us now. We'd bring our hands slowly, slowly together and touch. Pal, we didn't actually do that at the wedding. [00:04:10] Speaker B: No, of course not. [00:04:11] Speaker A: Fun, too. But we could have. [00:04:12] Speaker B: Because, you know, money doesn't buy taste. [00:04:15] Speaker A: No. [00:04:15] Speaker B: Especially not in Florida. [00:04:18] Speaker A: But that was a joyous occasion. We didn't know any other married gay couples, you know, and that was before. [00:04:22] Speaker B: And we were poor as church mice. Take any gig that came along. [00:04:25] Speaker A: Of course. [00:04:26] Speaker B: What else is new? [00:04:28] Speaker A: Well, it's been a over cloudy, cloudy, overcast day today. Has. [00:04:32] Speaker B: Gross. [00:04:33] Speaker A: Yes. And. But it's been a nice week so far. [00:04:38] Speaker B: Yes. Week's not over. [00:04:40] Speaker A: No, no, the week is not over. [00:04:42] Speaker B: School starts next week, and then we'll have no life. [00:04:44] Speaker A: I'm not ready. [00:04:45] Speaker B: Christmas. [00:04:46] Speaker A: I'm not ready. I've been off work for so long, and I'm not ready mentally. [00:04:52] Speaker B: Yeah, sure. [00:04:53] Speaker A: I will be as soon as things get. I'm slowly switching gears. My brain is like, okay, cool, cool, cool. [00:04:58] Speaker B: Well, I'm not ready and I won't be. So get used to it. Yeah. [00:05:07] Speaker A: Although my day was kind of spoiled. [00:05:09] Speaker B: Why? [00:05:10] Speaker A: Well, I had set up my schedule so that I could have a little adventure this afternoon. I was gonna take the motorcycle out. [00:05:17] Speaker B: Oh. [00:05:18] Speaker A: And go to a brewery. Just have a beer, you know, maybe lunch or something like that. By myself. [00:05:21] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:05:22] Speaker A: And there was a floating meeting that we needed to have with three other colleagues. And one of the colleagues is new to the university, and she kept on having to change it simply because she wasn't aware of the orientation activities and all the things that she needed to participate in as a new faculty member. So we moved it around twice, and it ended up being right smack in the middle of my free afternoon. [00:05:48] Speaker B: I'm sorry. [00:05:49] Speaker A: It's a small price to pay to accommodate my new colleague. So no big deal. [00:05:53] Speaker B: So, well, I won't bother you anymore the rest of the week. You can just go on and do. [00:05:57] Speaker A: The rest of the week. I'm gonna be in professional development workshops for the next two days. [00:06:00] Speaker B: Oh, la dee da. [00:06:02] Speaker A: Oh, no, no, no. I'm not gonna get my syllabi ready and, you know, stuff like that. [00:06:05] Speaker B: Well, yeah, no hurry. You've got four days. Why are we talking about weddings anyway? [00:06:11] Speaker A: Yeah, what's up with this? We're talking about weddings. Well, maybe because there's a wedding feature. [00:06:15] Speaker B: On the COVID Superman's pal, Jimmy Olsen, number 100. [00:06:20] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:06:22] Speaker B: Does it surprise you? That Jimmy Olsen had a magazine that lasted 100 issues. [00:06:26] Speaker A: Yes. [00:06:26] Speaker B: And in fact, went on to last, I believe, 122. No, 164 issues. [00:06:36] Speaker A: You don't say. [00:06:38] Speaker B: Of just Jimmy Olsen. 163. Sorry. And then continued on as Superman family with new Jimmy Olsen stories until number 222. [00:06:47] Speaker A: Does he ever get married again? [00:06:49] Speaker B: No. No. [00:06:50] Speaker A: Really? [00:06:51] Speaker B: Not that I'm aware of. [00:06:53] Speaker A: I kept on, as I read the story, kept on thinking that at any second he's gonna wake up and this. [00:06:57] Speaker B: Is all gonna be the same. [00:06:58] Speaker A: Because the developments in his life related to getting married were excessive. Like way beyond the proportions of what he experiences as far as his living situation. And his fame far exceeded what I expected. [00:07:19] Speaker B: Jimmy Olsen. I know, right? Well, you said this was the craziest Jimmy Olsen story you'd ever read, and which I replied that you need to read more. [00:07:27] Speaker A: Okay. [00:07:27] Speaker B: Who wrote it? Leo Dorfman. Art by Pete Costanza, edited by Mort Wisinger. Circulation of this magazine at the time, 523,785 copies a month. [00:07:47] Speaker A: Wow. [00:07:48] Speaker B: There's no comic that sells probably even a hundred thousand copies nowadays. [00:07:53] Speaker A: Really? [00:07:54] Speaker B: Yeah. Why is that? Market changed? You know, kids. Well, first of all, they don't sell them at the drugstore anymore. [00:08:01] Speaker A: Where do they sell them? [00:08:03] Speaker B: It's comic shops. [00:08:04] Speaker A: Oh, I'm sorry. Of course. I knew that. Sorry. [00:08:07] Speaker B: And, you know, kids have so many things to do nowadays, they don't want to read a comic. Especially not about Jimmy Olsen. [00:08:15] Speaker A: No, I don't want to read a comic about Jimmy Olsen, but I have to because we're on this podcast. [00:08:19] Speaker B: Well, get back to me next week because you're really going to hate me then. [00:08:23] Speaker A: Okay. [00:08:26] Speaker B: Jimmy Olsen Number 100, featuring the weirdo wedding of Jimmy Olsen. That's not what the story's called. On The Inside Special 100th Anniversary issue. Lots of nifty text pieces about Jimmy's weird transformations and different identities and scoops that never were. But we won't talk about those. [00:08:49] Speaker A: We won't. [00:08:50] Speaker B: Well, we could. One thing I did read, I can repeat it when we get to it, but apparently Krypto, who was Superboy's pet and is, of course, our favorite character of stage and screen, first appeared with. What am I trying to say? First appeared in Superman's adult life in the pages of Jimmy Olsen. He returned from romping in space and he was old and senile. [00:09:19] Speaker A: Krypto was. [00:09:20] Speaker B: Yes. And Superman just gave him to Jimmy. Like, please take care of this old senile dog for Me? [00:09:28] Speaker A: I'm speechless. [00:09:30] Speaker B: Well, guess what happened. [00:09:31] Speaker A: What? [00:09:31] Speaker B: They found a valley with the fountain of youth and Krypto drank from it and became young again. [00:09:36] Speaker A: Oh, thank God. [00:09:37] Speaker B: I know. [00:09:37] Speaker A: Old and senile. [00:09:38] Speaker B: Old and senile. [00:09:40] Speaker A: That's when they need to be cared for the most. [00:09:41] Speaker B: I know they're only part of your life, but you're their whole life. Don't cry now. [00:09:50] Speaker A: Okay, I won't. That's sweet. [00:09:55] Speaker B: It's for life, not for Christmas. [00:09:57] Speaker A: I know. [00:09:58] Speaker B: Superman's pal, Jimmy Olsen. Strike up the band. Let thousands cheer. The big day is here at last, the happy hour. Jimmy Olsen has dreamed of for so long. For years, he's carried the torch for lovely Lucy Lane, younger sister of Lois. And now he has it made because they're saying their I dos. What a way to celebrate this hundredth issue. But when an uninvited guest tosses a magical bombshell into the festivities the result is Jimmy Olsen's weirdo wedding. One day at the Daily Planet office. Jimmy's last scoop has earned him a big $10 raise. And as a bonus, Perry White gifts him with two press passes to see the Beatles. [00:10:49] Speaker A: The Beatles? [00:10:50] Speaker B: They're performing at Metropolis Stadium tonight. I don't know how old Leo Dorfman was the time that this was written but there's lots of topical references tossed in here. Some are shocking to me. All right. Jimmy leaves the office. A couple of newsboys on the corner comment that he's the luckiest guy in the world because he's Superman's pal, Right? A reporter on the world's best newspaper. He just got a raise. He's got everything. [00:11:20] Speaker A: Well, he's thinking these things the kids don't know. They didn't put it in the paper. [00:11:24] Speaker B: Extra, extra. Reporter gets raised. Jimmy Olsen, luckiest guy in the world. He's got everything you would ever want. Everything except Lucy Lane. [00:11:35] Speaker A: Yeah, he loves her. [00:11:36] Speaker B: The one girl who really turns him on. But as we know from previous encounters with Lucy she's only interested in Jimmy when he's not interested in her. [00:11:48] Speaker A: Oh, is that so? [00:11:49] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:11:50] Speaker A: Okay. [00:11:50] Speaker B: She's a fickle thing, right? [00:11:52] Speaker A: She's an airline hostess. [00:11:54] Speaker B: Yes. [00:11:55] Speaker A: Air hostess. [00:11:56] Speaker B: Yes. Jimmy's gonna keep trying, but he just remembered. After passing a giant billboard of the Beatles performing at Metropolis Stadium their last performance this season remembers that Lucy is on a flight coming in from Paris today. So he's going to meet her at the airport and ask her to see the Beatles with him. [00:12:22] Speaker A: I love how you're saying the Beatles. [00:12:24] Speaker B: Well, that's what their Name is. Get it? It's a pun. Because the beat. They're like beet influenced by the beat. Nick. So they're the Beatles. [00:12:34] Speaker A: Yes, but how you're saying it. Beatles. [00:12:36] Speaker B: Beatles. That's so. [00:12:37] Speaker A: Everyone's putting an H in there. [00:12:38] Speaker B: Beatles. No, I'm not. [00:12:40] Speaker A: Beatles. [00:12:40] Speaker B: Beatles. [00:12:41] Speaker A: No, you're going beat. [00:12:43] Speaker B: I'm not Beatles. I'm just aspirating the T. Do it again. Beatles. [00:12:47] Speaker A: On us. You name Beetles. No, that's not how you're doing it. [00:12:50] Speaker B: Beat. Holes. [00:12:51] Speaker A: That's it right there. You got a to holes. But when Lucy's plane arrives, he gets elbowed out of the way by some other pilot. [00:13:00] Speaker B: Some tall drink of water, right. He just heard about. Who? This tall drink of water just heard about Lucy's promotion to chief stewardess. [00:13:07] Speaker A: Oh, my goodness. And he gives her flowers. [00:13:09] Speaker B: Flowers. [00:13:10] Speaker A: His name's Vince. [00:13:11] Speaker B: Vince. [00:13:12] Speaker A: She runs up to him and throws her arms around him. And he picks her up, lifts her like. Like. What is it called when the legs flex? When you get a kiss? [00:13:20] Speaker B: Like Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing? I don't know. What is it called? Is there a name for it? [00:13:26] Speaker A: I don't know. Is it a move, a signature move, like a lift kiss? I don't know. [00:13:31] Speaker B: Let's just call it that. [00:13:32] Speaker A: Lift kiss. [00:13:35] Speaker B: And she plants a big kiss right on his lips. This is Vince. There's always events. [00:13:41] Speaker A: Yeah. So as she's walking away. Cause he wants to take her out, right? On a date. [00:13:47] Speaker B: Well, they've got a date planned already at Club Watusi. [00:13:51] Speaker A: She sees Jimmy and she goes. Oh, hi, Jimmy. Sorry I can't stop for a chat, but Vince and I have a date at Club Watusi. [00:14:00] Speaker B: Later in his apartment. I guess he's not going to the Beatles by himself. [00:14:04] Speaker A: There you do it again. The Beatles. [00:14:07] Speaker B: He's down on himself next to the handsome pilots. Lucy dates. You look like one of the Seven dwarfs. [00:14:13] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:14:14] Speaker B: What I'd give to be a big, rugged he man. But wait a minute. I can make my wish come true. I just remembered. Whatever apartment this is, he's got one room dedicated to trophies. Yeah. [00:14:29] Speaker A: He's got a trophy room, right? [00:14:32] Speaker B: Yeah. He just remembered a super physique formula given to him by Rona from the seventh dimension. From the seventh dimension. Dimension? She gave this potion to Jimmy in issue number 73. Editor's note. Last time he drank it, he wound up with the build of Superman. But there are only a couple of drops left. It may not even work. But wait a minute. It does. He ripped right out of his Clothes. [00:14:58] Speaker A: I hate when that happens. [00:15:00] Speaker B: Luckily. [00:15:01] Speaker A: Although it usually only happens to me when I put on a shirt that's too tight. I'm being able to tie my shirt. [00:15:05] Speaker B: I should be every day. I don't want to brag, Jimmy, but luckily he still has the same king sized suit he sported the last time he drank. Rona's he man. [00:15:16] Speaker A: Although he looks ripped. He also looks like he skipped legs day all the time. [00:15:19] Speaker B: Don't they all? And why doesn't his. Why don't his feet grow? He's gonna be a giant muscle man with tiny little bobble feet. [00:15:28] Speaker A: Bobble feet and stick booze legs. [00:15:30] Speaker B: Yes. Soon at the night spot, Lucy's exhausted. She's had enough dancing for one evening. And Vince is not taking no for an answer. [00:15:42] Speaker A: No, I don't like that at all. She says, I've had enough. She's probably been flying from one city to another. [00:15:47] Speaker B: Yeah, she's been on her feet in Paris. [00:15:49] Speaker A: He's like, nope, we're going dancing. We're going to continue dancing. [00:15:51] Speaker B: Paris and New York. That's a seven hour flight. She probably had to be on her feet the whole time because you know, in those days air hostesses didn't get breaks. [00:15:59] Speaker A: Well, they actually, they weren't in jets in the 60s, were they? [00:16:02] Speaker B: Oh no. So probably. [00:16:04] Speaker A: Yeah, probably. 12 hours. [00:16:05] Speaker B: 12 hours. All right. Jimmy arrives at the club just in time. He's going to rough up this Vince character. But then suddenly the formula wears off. [00:16:18] Speaker A: Oh no. [00:16:19] Speaker B: Oh no. Jimmy shrinks like a punctured balloon. [00:16:23] Speaker A: Yep. And he gets punched by Vince. [00:16:26] Speaker B: Yep. [00:16:27] Speaker A: Nakta. Across the room. [00:16:29] Speaker B: But Jimmy comes to. Lucy realizes he must have taken that super physique formula again. But why? [00:16:38] Speaker A: He confesses, I just wanted to impress you, Lucy. I guess I was a floparoo as usual. [00:16:43] Speaker B: You adorable idiot. You didn't have to do that. Sure, you're short, impulsive, harebrained and reckless, but that's the way I like you. [00:16:55] Speaker A: To her he replies, uh huh. [00:16:58] Speaker B: Those king sized Romeos are okay for a date or two, but give me a loyal love like yours with a lifetime guarantee. [00:17:07] Speaker A: See, this is why I thought that the rest of the comic story was him hallucinating this or dreaming this while he was knocked out. [00:17:15] Speaker B: Right? [00:17:16] Speaker A: Cause he says I must be dreaming. Maybe someone slipped me a dose of lsd. [00:17:20] Speaker B: Lsd? Leo Dorfman, what filth are you putting in the minds of our children? [00:17:27] Speaker A: He says, lucy, baby, if this is for real, say you'll marry me. [00:17:31] Speaker B: Of course, silly. I don't want. I don't want to end up an old maid like Lois, waiting for years for Superman to propose. Yes, my darling. This is for real and forever. [00:17:45] Speaker A: And then they kiss, and they're surrounded by flowers and hearts, which is so nice. [00:17:53] Speaker B: Yes. Yeah. I 100% thought this was gonna be imaginary all the way through. [00:17:58] Speaker A: Would you believe it? It's finally happened. Jimmy's dream of a lifetime has come true. Next day, Jimmy is still on cloud. [00:18:06] Speaker B: Nine, throwing out his little black book and getting rid of snapshots of his old girlfriends. Like Allura. She was mad about him. She used her scientific know how to contact him from outer space via tv. [00:18:24] Speaker A: Via tv. Jimmy, dear, come to my planet and marry me. You'll have superpowers here. He thinks that's terrific. Too terrific when he shows up. Uh. [00:18:32] Speaker B: Oh, womp, womp, womp. [00:18:33] Speaker A: Allura turned out to be a giantess. [00:18:37] Speaker B: Well, some guys go for that. [00:18:39] Speaker A: Oh, my God. I was just gonna say that. But what they particularly go for is women who outgrow their clothes by turning giant. [00:18:45] Speaker B: It's a fetish. Like Jimmy with the he man formula. [00:18:48] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. It's like where we were laughing about that one time that there's an actual. This is a genre of. I've not read them, but we were. I don't know how we learned about this, but there's a genre of fiction. Fiction where that. That men like to read. Where the women have. Are they somehow something happens and they grow tall. And it's. The fetish is specifically that they're outgrowing their clothes. They're getting too big. Their bodies are elongating and they're too big. And it's the constriction of the clothing and the ripping of the clothing that is the fetish. Is that bizarre. [00:19:26] Speaker B: Straight people. [00:19:29] Speaker A: So. [00:19:30] Speaker B: So there can be no future for our love. [00:19:32] Speaker A: No. Then Jimmy. Let's see. So he says that was Allura. [00:19:39] Speaker B: Yes. [00:19:39] Speaker A: Then there's a picture of Dyala. [00:19:42] Speaker B: Yes. She summoned him to her homeworld of Platonia. But when he arrived, he discovered that she is really a protoplasmic Platonian being. And I'm changing you into Plutonian, too, darling. Well, she's a pile of goo. [00:20:04] Speaker A: Well, she looks like she was carved out of margarine. [00:20:06] Speaker B: Yes, exactly like the famous butter cow at the Ohio State Fair. [00:20:10] Speaker A: Did you know, in the 1960s and 50s, when people were loving margarine, do you know what a principal ingredient in margarine is? [00:20:19] Speaker B: I don't know. Poison? [00:20:20] Speaker A: No. You'll be shocked. [00:20:22] Speaker B: Plastic. It's a fat petroleum. [00:20:25] Speaker A: It's an organic fat. [00:20:28] Speaker B: Baby fat, I don't know. [00:20:32] Speaker A: Whale oil. [00:20:35] Speaker B: Whale. [00:20:36] Speaker A: Whale oil. [00:20:37] Speaker B: Okay, well, that. [00:20:40] Speaker A: I mean, people do oil taken from whales. [00:20:43] Speaker B: Yeah. I mean, native peoples have used whale oil for many, many centuries, but many. [00:20:50] Speaker A: Americans and all sorts of people were consuming margarine whose main fat ingredient was whale oil. Don't you think that's strange? [00:20:57] Speaker B: Well, I think it's strange that I thought the whole point of margarine was to be less fat than butter. [00:21:03] Speaker A: Well, yeah, I suppose, but it's animal derived. I mean, because butter comes from cows. You know, you don't have to go out, hunt a cow, kill it, and just take its brain or take its oil depository repository from its body. You could just, you know, cows. Cows can be milked for many, many seasons. [00:21:22] Speaker B: Yes. In fact, I don't believe milk is oily. [00:21:25] Speaker A: There's fat in milk. [00:21:27] Speaker B: Fat, but not oil. [00:21:29] Speaker A: Well, fat. Whale oil is fat. [00:21:33] Speaker B: Well, now you're trying to confuse me on purpose. [00:21:36] Speaker A: I just think it's terrible. [00:21:37] Speaker B: Are you a protoplasmic being? [00:21:39] Speaker A: No. Okay, so he's through with that. He says he throws out his photographs of Allura, his photograph of Dyala. Oh, and he's like, oh, I just remembered my girlfriends in the Legion of Superheroes duo Dim so Light Lass and Saturn Girl. So then he opens up this amazing apartment. He opens up a door and he goes in his time globe, a giant. [00:22:00] Speaker B: Door, like a bank vault sized room. [00:22:03] Speaker A: How much does he pay a month for this? He's gonna need that raise. [00:22:06] Speaker B: Well, for all we know, Superman just gave him the apartment. I mean, we'll see in a minute how that works out. Jimmy, as we know, is an honorary member of the Legion in his Elastic Lad identity. [00:22:19] Speaker A: You're gonna have to explain to me this whole thing. Sort of pretend crush they have on Jimmy. [00:22:24] Speaker B: Well, I don't know, because I have not read the story that is referenced in Jimmy Olsen 76, where they pretended to be crazy about Jimmy in order to make Lucy jealous for some reason. Okay, and they're still pretending? I guess. So Jimmy arrives a thousand years in the future where Cosmic Boy is nonchalantly giving his report on how he and his squad defeated the Sun Eater menace, which resulted in the death of Pharaoh Lad, as you may recall. Yeah, let's just read the minutes out at the regular meeting. I'm sure everyone knows already that Pharaoh Lad's dead. [00:23:06] Speaker A: Well, I guess that's what they do. They stand up and give the reports. [00:23:09] Speaker B: After the meeting, in a quiet corner, Jimmy delivers the bad news to his Super Girlfriends. He's going to marry Lois or Lucy Lane. [00:23:21] Speaker A: And Lightning Lass. Light Lass says. [00:23:24] Speaker B: Wait a minute. [00:23:25] Speaker A: What? [00:23:27] Speaker B: She is Light Lass already? But she's still wearing her lightning insignia on her costume. Somebody didn't get the memo. What? You see, she began as Lightning Lass because she's twin sister of Lightning Lad. And when he was believed dead, she came disguised as a boy to take his place in the Legion. [00:23:44] Speaker A: Oh. [00:23:45] Speaker B: Then when he was revived, the Legion has a rule that no two members can have the same powers. And so Dream Girl used her Naltorian science to engineer an explosion which changed Lightning Lass powers to Light Lass. So she can manipulate make anything super lightweight. Later, she got her lightning powers back after a traumatic incident. And then she became a lesbian. So everything worked out great in the end. [00:24:16] Speaker A: I know two people in my life who really, really love the Legion of Superheroes. [00:24:21] Speaker B: Yes. I'm surprised at you only knowing two. [00:24:25] Speaker A: Yeah, not me. But. [00:24:29] Speaker B: Now, have you read any Legion of Superheroes besides what we've covered on this program? [00:24:33] Speaker A: No. [00:24:33] Speaker B: I think you'd really like it in the 80s. [00:24:35] Speaker A: Oh, really? [00:24:36] Speaker B: Yes. So that's why Light Lass is so nonchalant about Jimmy getting married. Because she's a lesbian. She just hasn't come out yet. [00:24:45] Speaker A: She's got 20 or more years to go. [00:24:48] Speaker B: That's nice. But quickly, Saturn Girl activates her thought casting powers to remind them that they're. [00:24:54] Speaker A: Supposed to be carrying a torch for Jimmy. Let's put on an act. [00:24:58] Speaker B: Put on a good act Duo. Damsel splits into two people because the news of his marriage is breaking her heart. It's too many tears for one person to shed. Then Light Lass gets in on the act. She is levitating his time globe so that he can't get back in it to return to that horrid Lucy. Then Saturn Girl chimes in, which with a projected telepathic thought which she allows Jimmy to hear, ordering Light last to bring Jimmy's globe back. If you love him, his happiness should be more important than your own. [00:25:42] Speaker A: She pretends to cry. All right. As Jimmy leaves to the past, he. [00:25:47] Speaker B: Says, now Jimmy's time bubble. Unlike any other time bubble I've ever seen in my reading of the Legion of Superheroes has four upholstered swivel chairs in it. [00:26:00] Speaker A: Does. It does. [00:26:02] Speaker B: How'd he snag that? And who's he bringing with him to the future? [00:26:07] Speaker A: I don't know. Jimmy has everything. [00:26:10] Speaker B: Why, he is the luckiest boy on Earth. [00:26:13] Speaker A: He truly is. His best friend is Superman. He has a giant apartment. He has toys from other dimensions. [00:26:19] Speaker B: He just got a $10 raise. What's he need a raise for? [00:26:23] Speaker A: He's getting married to the woman that he loves. [00:26:25] Speaker B: What? [00:26:26] Speaker A: This is crazy. [00:26:27] Speaker B: He's got a time bubble. Why does he need a raise? Right? He could plunder the past gold doubloons from pirate days and whatnot. Now I'm angry at Jimmy. [00:26:44] Speaker A: Okay, so Jimmy rejoins Lucy. The happy couple. Excuse me. Rejoins Lucy and they join Superman. This is. [00:26:51] Speaker B: This made me angry. [00:26:53] Speaker A: It made me angry too. [00:26:55] Speaker B: Superman's got something to show them. [00:26:57] Speaker A: He takes them to a lush island. Where? Where? Lush island where? Outside of Metropolis. [00:27:04] Speaker B: Maybe middle of the Metropolis River. Where Superman has built them a fantastic mid century tri level home. [00:27:17] Speaker A: Yeah. Complete with a top floor patio with plants and a courtyard. [00:27:23] Speaker B: And a middle floor veranda and picture windows all around. It's gonna be plenty of light in that space. [00:27:34] Speaker A: Can Jimmy and Lucy afford the taxes on this? [00:27:36] Speaker B: That's what that was my first question. [00:27:38] Speaker A: Right. There's a lot of land there and a lot of square footage. [00:27:40] Speaker B: At least, what, two acres that we can see? [00:27:43] Speaker A: But if it's 3,000 square feet. Oh, easy. [00:27:49] Speaker B: I'd say five. [00:27:50] Speaker A: Yeah, probably five. [00:27:53] Speaker B: It's got a retractable landing roof for a helicopter so that Jimmy can land there with the Daily Planet helicopter. [00:28:02] Speaker A: How often does he fly the Daily Planet helicopter? [00:28:05] Speaker B: I don't know. [00:28:05] Speaker A: This cub reporter, right? He's still cub reporter Jimmy Olsen. [00:28:09] Speaker B: Right? Well, he does have the. I don't know if it's. He has it at this. Yeah, he does at this point. There's the flying newsroom, but I didn't know that he flew it himself. I thought he was always passenger so he could hop out. [00:28:20] Speaker A: And this is like. When I saw this retractable landing field, I thought, okay, he's absolutely having a dream. Right? There's no way this is real. [00:28:29] Speaker B: Right? [00:28:30] Speaker A: But this is real, folks. There's no reveal in this story. This is all. Jimmy Olsen has a new swinging marriage pad with Lucy Lane. [00:28:41] Speaker B: Uh, let's have a guided tour. There's a special room for Jimmy's trophies. It's lead lined to protect him from any possible radioactivity from his space souvenirs. There's a private, private movie movie theater stocked with reels of your many adventures, Jimmy. I used a special camera to catch light rays from the past. Why don't you patent that and then Jimmy won't have to worry about his $10 a week raise. And $10 a week. It's probably $10 a year. Is it Recycle night tonight. Yes. [00:29:21] Speaker A: Oh, okay. Sorry. I just noticed the recycling bin of our very, very good neighbor, and I thought. Oh, I didn't realize it was recycle night. So do you think Superman has a move, a movie room to show adventures that he and Jimmy has shared? Because Superman is worried that because he's marrying, he will no longer have time for Superman? [00:29:50] Speaker B: I don't know. [00:29:52] Speaker A: I mean, it's never. It's never discussed. [00:29:55] Speaker B: But, I mean, I would think it would be a relief for Superman not to have to answer that signal. Watch every five minutes. [00:30:03] Speaker A: So he's. Oh, he shows him a shot of the time he saved Lucy's life while mountain climbing in the Alps. [00:30:08] Speaker B: Yes. [00:30:11] Speaker A: And then Lucy has the nerve to say. I don't want to seem envious. Yes, you do. But everything here seems to be for Jimmy. Did you forget I'll be living here, too? Not at all. [00:30:24] Speaker B: Not at all, my little lady. Here you are, Lucy. A collection of Lucy robots I made for you. Whenever you're tired, they can take your place as an airline stewardess or for shopping trips or household chores. Why is anybody going to work when they're friends with Superman? [00:30:48] Speaker A: Well, the key to a happy life is to be involved in some sort of activity in your life that brings you meaning and joy. Otherwise, you'll just be sad. [00:30:59] Speaker B: Meaning and joy. Yes. But if I had a friend who could build me a robot to go to the grocery or mow the grass, wouldn't that be something? Or sit at my desk all day and do my mindless job. Which, actually, a robot could do. The day is coming when I'm going to be replaced by AI. But that's a story for another time. [00:31:20] Speaker A: Hopefully after you retire. [00:31:22] Speaker B: Yes. Superman, you're a living doll. If I weren't in love with Jimmy. [00:31:29] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:31:31] Speaker B: In the days that follow, the wedding preparations go forward. Apparently, Jimmy's a huge celebrity worldwide because Superman. [00:31:39] Speaker A: Right. What the hell? Superman's delivering sacks of invitations for the. [00:31:45] Speaker B: Wedding of the century to VIPs. [00:31:49] Speaker A: The Earth, VIPs, people from India, and. I don't know what that is. Persia, Mexico. Cause the sobrero. And there's a woman with a fan. She must be from Spain. Somebody from France. [00:32:02] Speaker B: Yes. Dignitaries, dignitaries from around the globe. This will be the biggest bash since Lucy's wedding to Pat Nugent. That's lucy Baines Johnson, LBJ's daughter. [00:32:12] Speaker A: Oh, okay. [00:32:12] Speaker B: I did have to look it up. Cause I thought I saw that spelling of Lucy, and I thought it was Lucy Arnaz. But then I thought no, silly. She'd be far too young in 1967 to be married. Plus, she was starring on here's Lucy, Lucy's third primetime sitcom. [00:32:30] Speaker A: So this is after I Love Lucy. [00:32:31] Speaker B: After I Love Lucy and after the Lucy show. [00:32:33] Speaker A: When you say she was far too young. You were kidding. [00:32:36] Speaker B: No, Lucy. Young Lucy. [00:32:38] Speaker A: Oh, young lucy. Lucy Arnaz Jr. [00:32:41] Speaker B: Remember when she was. She and Desi Jr. Starred with Lucy on sitcom as teens. [00:32:50] Speaker A: Yes. [00:32:51] Speaker B: Then Desi Jr left. Left Lucy all alone, did he? But then she got to dance with Ginger Rogers, so it all worked out. [00:32:58] Speaker A: Wow. [00:32:59] Speaker B: All right, maybe they should declare it a national holiday. Someone watching TV says Jimmy Olsen. [00:33:06] Speaker A: Jimmy Olsen's wedding. [00:33:07] Speaker B: Who's excited about a $10 raise. And he's an international superstar. [00:33:12] Speaker A: So finally, the next page, we get into something actually believable about the story. [00:33:18] Speaker B: Yes. [00:33:19] Speaker A: Naomi Bilchik. [00:33:21] Speaker B: What? [00:33:21] Speaker A: Naomi Bilchik. Is that what her name is? She played Blossom. Was that her name? Naomi Bilchik? [00:33:26] Speaker B: Miam Bialik. [00:33:34] Speaker A: Miam Bialik. Is that her name? [00:33:36] Speaker B: I think so, yes. [00:33:37] Speaker A: Okay, well, she makes a guess. [00:33:44] Speaker B: This is more like Lucy Lee Flippin. [00:33:46] Speaker A: Who's Lucy Lee Flippin? [00:33:48] Speaker B: She was Liza Jane on Little House on the Prairie. Oh, yes, the schoolmarmzo's. [00:33:54] Speaker A: Cause Blossom was actually very, very pretty. I thought. [00:33:57] Speaker B: Yes, this. But yeah, you know, she's got a PhD. [00:34:02] Speaker A: Does she? [00:34:03] Speaker B: Yes, she's awfully smart. [00:34:05] Speaker A: I couldn't remember her name. I mean. [00:34:07] Speaker B: Well, it's a difficult name to remember. You could have just said Blossom. Then everybody would know who you're talking about. [00:34:13] Speaker A: Anyway, this is a character. Like she looks like Nellie Olsen. Kind of. Yeah. [00:34:18] Speaker B: Well, Nellie Olsen's also very pretty. [00:34:21] Speaker A: Yeah, this character's not very pretty. [00:34:23] Speaker B: No. So this gal says that two timing fink is going to marry that little snip Lucy Lane. And after he gave me the cold. [00:34:32] Speaker A: Shoulder, I think you said this. I really actually meant Nillsen's replacement. [00:34:37] Speaker B: Oh, Nancy. [00:34:38] Speaker A: Nancy. Yeah, that's what I meant. [00:34:40] Speaker B: Now, do you remember this gal? I didn't. And I pride myself on having a deep, deep knowledge of Superman lore from the 50s and 60s. [00:34:48] Speaker A: So you. This is a new character? [00:34:50] Speaker B: New character to me. It's Ms. Gizpitlizniz, the female sprite from the fifth dimension who has a crush on Jimmy. See, Jimmy Olsen, number 65. And apparently she's made multiple appearances and I'd never heard of her in my lifetime. [00:35:07] Speaker A: No, she was in love with Jimmy. Yes, and still is. She's furious with him for not reciprocating. [00:35:16] Speaker B: Now, they announce on the news. This is a common problem. Apparently in the Metropolis, they announce that Supergirl will not be attending the wedding because she's away on a mission. [00:35:28] Speaker A: Oh, my goodness. [00:35:29] Speaker B: They're very fond of announcing when superheroes are gonna be away. [00:35:32] Speaker A: Indeed. [00:35:33] Speaker B: So Supergirl won't be at the wedding. Eh? That gives me a chance to throw a monkey wrench into the works with some of my fifth dimensional magic. [00:35:43] Speaker A: So she. She decides that she's going to disguise herself as Supergirl? [00:35:47] Speaker B: Yes, because like all other fifth dimensional imps, Ms. Gizpitlizniz has magical powers. [00:35:53] Speaker A: I can't believe you can say that. Gizpit Pitlisn is. How can I do that? [00:35:57] Speaker B: Well, because I know the pronunciation rules of the fifth dimension. Like Mr. Mxyzptlk, which they couldn't say on Super Friends, no one could learn. [00:36:07] Speaker A: The rules, so they said Mixelplik. [00:36:09] Speaker B: Yeah, but it is in fact, Mxyzptlk. Okay, the Earth 2 version is Mxyztyplik. And this here is Ms. Gizpitlessness. [00:36:25] Speaker A: Sometimes you just amaze me with your knowledge. [00:36:27] Speaker B: Aquaman's imp is named Quisp, as everyone knows. I don't know what Bat Mite's excuse is. He doesn't have a fifth dimensional name. [00:36:36] Speaker A: I. I don't understand how you have this knowledge right at your fingertips. Yet I often worry that if I die for you, you won't know how to do things like, oh, I won't put water softening salt to. Remember to do that so that you have soft water from our well. Or when to change the air filters in the house. [00:36:57] Speaker B: Hear me out. [00:36:58] Speaker A: Yes. [00:36:58] Speaker B: If you could craft a comic book story that explains how to do all. [00:37:03] Speaker A: Those things, I could do a comic book story. [00:37:05] Speaker B: I'm your man. [00:37:06] Speaker A: Like Rob does household chores. [00:37:08] Speaker B: Yes. Dr. [00:37:09] Speaker A: Husband does household chores. And I just draw pictures of stick figures. Obviously, me doing all the household chores. And then I leave it and I put it in an envelope that says, in case of death, read this. [00:37:21] Speaker B: All right, I'm in. [00:37:23] Speaker A: Okay. [00:37:25] Speaker B: Also, you'll have to go back in time in Jimmy's time bubble and plant the comics in my bedroom as a teen. Because that's the only things I remember. Things I read as a teen. Next day, at the final wedding rehearsal, Superman, as the best man, couldn't attend the rehearsal. But here's Supergirl. Hey, I thought you were away on a mission. [00:37:48] Speaker A: I am leaving. But first, I wanted to deliver my wedding gifts to you in person. [00:37:53] Speaker B: For you, Lucy, this jeweled lipstick studded with Gems from distant galaxies. [00:37:58] Speaker A: Oh, it's beautiful. [00:38:00] Speaker B: Jimmy, hand over your signal watch. I'm replacing it with this advanced jeweled model which can contact Superman anywhere, even in space, time or dimensions. Great. Thanks, Supergirl. Superman's really gonna enjoy that. Tee, tee, tee, tee, tee. [00:38:20] Speaker A: Can you help me open up this can? I can't get it open. [00:38:24] Speaker B: Jay, these pickles are really tough to get open. All right. Supergirl flies off. And we learned from Ms. I can't remember this Gizpitlasniz that there is something tricky about these gifts. Yes, we'll find out later. [00:38:49] Speaker A: She hasn't told us what they are. We'll find out soon. Oh, the wedding day. And this at last, this next thing, this fucking. Lois can't let her sister have any joy. She's gotta do something. Pull a stunt. Yep, to poor Mother's attention. Bring the. Bring the mood down. [00:39:04] Speaker B: Mother and dad Lane have brought the heirloom veil, which all the Lane family brides wear. [00:39:11] Speaker A: How long has that veil been around? [00:39:13] Speaker B: Someday I'll wear it, too. Lucy, may I try it on, please? [00:39:18] Speaker A: Says Lois. And then she suddenly sob. [00:39:21] Speaker B: Oh, Mother, will I ever see the. [00:39:23] Speaker A: Day when I have the right to. [00:39:24] Speaker B: Wear this at my wedding to Superman. There, there, child. Keep your chin up and smile. This is a time for happiness. [00:39:33] Speaker A: That's right, Lois. You should have known that right away. [00:39:36] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:39:37] Speaker A: So Lois does manage to pull herself together and says that the bride should wear something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue. [00:39:45] Speaker B: Lucy's got all of it. Except something new. I know. I'll use the lipstick Supergirl gave me. [00:39:52] Speaker A: Well, meanwhile, in the chapel nearby. Perry, Jimmy says Perry. The whole world, the whole Planet staff, the Daily Planet staff is here for the wedding. Suppose there are any important story breaks? [00:40:04] Speaker B: Really? [00:40:06] Speaker A: How long does a wedding take? The ceremony is about 20 minutes at most. And then, of course, the celebration afterwards, Several hours. But I mean, like, is there such important things that all the reporters of one newspaper can't take the time out to do it? Is there always someone paying attention to stories at every hour of the night? [00:40:29] Speaker B: Well, also, if in the unfortunate event that I would feel the need to get married again, I'm not inviting every single person from my work. I don't know most of them and don't like the ones I do know. That's a lie. I have several people I do like, but I'm not inviting. There's got to be someone that can stay behind. [00:40:54] Speaker A: Invite everybody on the roster. [00:40:56] Speaker B: No. [00:40:56] Speaker A: Yeah, send out a general email ccl. [00:41:00] Speaker B: Even if you did, they're not all gonna come, right. Somebody's gonna be there to work and get that ten dollar raise. Luckily, Perry's got a wrist radio tuned to a frequency that handles emergency bulletins in case something pops up. Also guess what, Perry. Superman's at the wedding. If something pops up. [00:41:21] Speaker A: Well, there is. There is. That is important information. Yes, well, you know, Superman is Jimmy Olsen's. Jimmy Olsen is Superman's pal. [00:41:31] Speaker B: Yes. The ceremony begins. Superman's got a Clark Kent robot there to fill in for his alter ego. I don't know who this guy is in the audience. Olsen is a lucky guy marrying a dude dish like Lucy. It's a. Looks like a creepy old man like. [00:41:53] Speaker A: Like your parents friend Keith. Say the last name. [00:41:57] Speaker B: But yeah, I won't. [00:41:58] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:42:00] Speaker B: Suddenly, blur. Blur bulletin. Gas explosion in Danfield mine has just caused a cave in radio. [00:42:08] Speaker A: Entire shift of miners trapped air cannot hold out long. The men will suffocate unless Superman can save them. [00:42:15] Speaker B: Well, Superman's gotta go. I gave Clark the ring. He'll replace me as best man. [00:42:21] Speaker A: We understand. Saving lives comes first, Superman. Bye. [00:42:24] Speaker B: So the ceremony comes to a close. I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride. [00:42:29] Speaker A: Lois. [00:42:30] Speaker B: Choke. [00:42:30] Speaker A: I'm so happy for them. [00:42:32] Speaker B: And someone else is happy too. An uninvited guest. Ms. Giz Pitlisniz. Now the fun starts. I better take off for where the action is or I'll miss all the laughs. [00:42:42] Speaker A: Meanwhile, I burst out laughing so hard when I saw this. [00:42:49] Speaker B: Was that what did it? [00:42:50] Speaker A: Yes. This is. This is precious. This is fantastic. [00:42:54] Speaker B: At the mine, Superman is flying down to the rescue. But what's happening? His body is changing into something. [00:43:02] Speaker A: A super mole. [00:43:03] Speaker B: He's turned into a mole. One of the world's ugliest creatures. I think it's kind of cute. [00:43:10] Speaker A: It is cute. [00:43:11] Speaker B: He looks like Corn horny Cornelius from Mr. Rogers neighborhood. [00:43:14] Speaker A: He does. [00:43:16] Speaker B: Some weird force transformed me into a super mole. Luckily, the task at hand involves me digging under the ground to rescue the trapped miners. [00:43:25] Speaker A: Perfect for a mole. [00:43:27] Speaker B: Uh, gasp. Suddenly that super mole is turning into supermen. [00:43:35] Speaker A: So he does rescue the miners. [00:43:37] Speaker B: Yes. [00:43:37] Speaker A: And when the man of Steel is questioned afterwards, he says it's very embarrassing. I have no idea what turned me into supermole. It could have been red Kryptonite or some kind of magic. [00:43:46] Speaker B: Ha, ha. Maybe both, Ms. Gizplit. Lizniz says, hiding behind the jeep. Meanwhile, at the wedding banquet, Perry hears on his wristwatch that Superman has completed his mission but can't explain his brief mole transformation. He's returning to the Olsen wedding now. [00:44:06] Speaker A: Goodness gracious. [00:44:10] Speaker B: So they toast. [00:44:11] Speaker A: There's a toast. Everybody says they're toasting. Probably clicking their glasses. [00:44:14] Speaker B: That's my least favorite thing of weddings. It's when everyone clinks their glasses and the bride and groom have to kiss. Let them eat. [00:44:22] Speaker A: Really? [00:44:23] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:44:24] Speaker A: You don't like that? [00:44:25] Speaker B: It gets old, honestly. Huh? You do like it. [00:44:30] Speaker A: Yeah, I like weddings. [00:44:33] Speaker B: Oh, I like weddings. I just specifically don't like the part where you're sitting, eating, and then all of a sudden, you have to clink your glass, stop eating. [00:44:40] Speaker A: I don't like. If you're talking about reception traditions, I don't like the garter removal. [00:44:47] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. That's very sexist. [00:44:49] Speaker A: It's very sexist. [00:44:50] Speaker B: Or the cake smash in the face. [00:44:52] Speaker A: Yeah, they don't. I don't. I've not seen that in any of the weddings that I've been to recently. [00:44:57] Speaker B: Okay, good. [00:44:57] Speaker A: Because obviously, it's. You don't want to mess up her makeup. There's pictures to be taken and stuff like that. Yeah, I don't like the garter removal. I. Yeah. [00:45:06] Speaker B: No. All right. A moment later, as they're toasting with champagne, Jimmy and Lucy kiss. And a startling moment later, a ghastly beast, Supermole, bores his way up through. [00:45:24] Speaker A: The ground into the banquet hall. Someone's gonna have to pay for that. [00:45:27] Speaker B: Yes. And then he changes back to normal. [00:45:31] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:45:33] Speaker B: Jimmy's smart lad. Each time Superman turned into a mole, it was just after we kissed. Could that have caused it? Well, Lucy wants to test that theory. Let's kiss again and see nothing happens. Nothing happens because, luckily, Ms. Gizlet's Pizniz. Why don't they write it on every page? I can't remember. [00:45:58] Speaker A: I don't. [00:45:59] Speaker B: I'm surprised that you can do it on Gizpitlasniz. I got it. Luckily for her, Lucy wiped off her lipstick on that napkin a moment ago, so Jimmy's theory is a bust. Meanwhile, more mischief is brewing in a room near the banquet hall, where some thugs have come to steal all the wedding gifts. [00:46:23] Speaker A: Indeed. [00:46:24] Speaker B: Looks like Tiffany's warehouse. In here, we have gifts from the Legion of Superheroes, the Jimmy Olsen Fan Club, the Justice League. So these crooks have come to get everything. Out into the alley, into their armored car, the newlyweds slip away. Superman has brought their car and luggage to a side door so they can sneak out. Lucy is reapplying her lipstick. [00:46:53] Speaker A: Mm. [00:46:55] Speaker B: And Lois is ready to take a photo for the Planet for the Daily Planet Front page, Front page news. [00:47:04] Speaker A: Front page news. Reporter gets married. [00:47:10] Speaker B: Reporter gets married, earns $10 raise, travels through time. [00:47:16] Speaker A: Suddenly. [00:47:17] Speaker B: Well, they kiss for the photo. [00:47:20] Speaker A: And there was an armored car that is full of treasure loot. Full of the wedding gifts from the wedding gifts. And it takes off. And Superman spots it with his X ray vision. [00:47:29] Speaker B: Yes. [00:47:29] Speaker A: And as he begins his pursuit, all of a sudden, he transforms into a Super Bowl. [00:47:33] Speaker B: Into a Super Bowl. Superman is forced to plunge into the ground. Luckily, they are building a new subway nearby. So he burrows onto the ground, pops up just in time to stop the armored car. Luckily, Superman, you not only captured the crooks, but you also saved a half billion dollars billion dollars for Metropolis by digging the new subway tunnel. Talk about killing two birds with one stone. [00:48:07] Speaker A: I would have. Well, half a million is not that much money when it talks about building a subway tunnel. [00:48:13] Speaker B: No, I mean, I guess it checks out. Half a billion. [00:48:17] Speaker A: $5 million. [00:48:20] Speaker B: For a subway. Yeah, I guess. [00:48:21] Speaker A: Wait a second. Wait a second. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. [00:48:27] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:48:27] Speaker A: I also have seen 1967, $500 million for subway. [00:48:33] Speaker B: Yeah, but I. Regardless of the cost, I do have some news for this construction foreman. Superman can do this even when he's not a mole. Why isn't he out here saving Metropolis money year round? [00:48:46] Speaker A: Well, he's got so much to do. [00:48:48] Speaker B: What? [00:48:49] Speaker A: Why would he want to save the money when he can chase after crooks who've stolen wedding gifts? [00:48:53] Speaker B: Or build three story houses for his? [00:48:56] Speaker A: He did build that hospital in one comic that we saw. [00:48:58] Speaker B: Yes, yes, that should be what the whole comic is about. Superman building things for free. Presently, Superman flies the well. He gets all the wedding gifts back, takes these thugs to the hooscal. But now Jimmy is certain that their kisses are triggering the mole effect. Let's postpone our wedding trip, Lucy. Every time we smooch, he'll turn into a beast. [00:49:31] Speaker A: Who cares? I want a honeymoon. [00:49:34] Speaker B: Well, Lois overhears this. Even if you turn the man I love into a sprawling animal, you'd better call things off till we can stop the spell. [00:49:44] Speaker A: So what do they do? Well, Lucy goes and stays in Lois's apartment. And Lois says. Jimmy, you've got to stay in your apartment. I don't want you to dare try to see her. [00:49:55] Speaker B: Don't you dare. Jimmy misses her already. As the lonely days pass I love. [00:50:01] Speaker A: That the days are written the days that we could written on sheets of paper that you throw away like on a calendar. [00:50:08] Speaker B: So he takes a gulp of his elastic fluid from his trophy case. There's Just enough to turn him into Elastic Lad. For a few minutes, he stretches out across the street. He couldn't resist. I've got a hundred kisses saved up for you, Lucy. [00:50:22] Speaker A: Oh, no. [00:50:23] Speaker B: Oh, no. You were right to think of Superman before. But what he meant is, he's got candy kisses. A box of candy kisses. So the next day, she writes a note to Jimmy and kisses it. But when Jimmy receives the note, he can't resist kissing the imprint of her luscious lips. [00:50:52] Speaker A: Then, moments later, he's watching the television and sees a live telecast of Superman at Mount Taruba, a volcano that is erupting. [00:51:05] Speaker B: Yes. [00:51:05] Speaker A: And he's now Super Mole. [00:51:07] Speaker B: Yes. Yes. It's happened again. Superman was supposed to stop a flow of fiery lava from engulfing a village. But the strange mole effect affected him again and forced him him to bore into the earth instead. But wait. Even as a mole, Superman saved the day. The hole he burrowed was right in the path of the lava flow. It's draining off the molten rock. The village is saved. Hooray. In a panic, Jimmy calls Lucy to report that when he kissed your lip print, Superman became a mole. I saw it on TV myself. If a mere imitation kiss can do that, our marriage must be be annulled. [00:51:45] Speaker A: True. So the next day at the courthouse, Lucy has arranged for the judge to hear their plea for an annulment. But she says, should we ask Superman for help first? He goes, I'll signal him with my watch. [00:51:58] Speaker B: Z Z z z z. MissPilsniz appears and says, you can't summon Superman on that watch. Cause it's fake. Because I gave it to you. Now that your marriage is over, I'll tell you what caused the mole changes. So Jimmy says, Your Ms. Gazpitlizn is the fifth dimensional imp whom I once brushed off. [00:52:28] Speaker A: That's right. So in revenge, I swore to ruin your marriage, disguising myself as Supergirl. [00:52:34] Speaker B: The lipstick was magic. Red kryptonite. Jimmy's new watch focuses a thaumaturgic radio wave on Superman. Whenever Jimmy kisses her lipstick, a weird Red Kryptonite mole effect will be transmitted to Superman. Well, it has to be magic. Because we know that Red Kryptonite only has one time effect. [00:52:56] Speaker A: Right. [00:52:58] Speaker B: Thank you. All right. [00:52:59] Speaker A: I don't know a lot about comic books, but when I read that, I thought, well, then it shouldn't happen over and over again. [00:53:04] Speaker B: Well, we read that last week we had a red Kryptonite incident. [00:53:08] Speaker A: I guess I do pay attention, don't I? [00:53:10] Speaker B: All right, Lucy. The brain's the operation. All we have to do now is throw your phony gifts away and we don't need an annulment. [00:53:19] Speaker A: Right. But in that incredible instant. God, you know, we think it's over. Oh, no. A woman materializes out of nowhere. It's Rona, the female Bluebeard. Bluebeard who once escaped from the Stone Zone prison of the seventh dimension into the world she tried to marry and murder Jimmy. [00:53:37] Speaker B: She also gave him that super he man form. [00:53:41] Speaker A: Yes, she did. [00:53:42] Speaker B: She can't be all bad. [00:53:44] Speaker A: I thought she was slapping him, but she was tickling his chin. [00:53:46] Speaker B: Tickling his chin. She explains that an accomplice helped her escape again from the Stone Zone. When the Interdimension Monitor Network told the news of your marriage. It's interdimensional news. I used this warp ray to open a rift into your world. Getting rid of that lipstick and signal watch won't help you stay married. My seventh dimensional science sorcery is creating an even bigger problem for you. [00:54:16] Speaker A: Oh, my God. [00:54:17] Speaker B: From now on, whenever you kiss Lucy, one of your friends will turn to stone. Ms. G's pitlessness is still there. [00:54:26] Speaker A: Thank you. [00:54:26] Speaker B: And indeed, Rona demonstrates. [00:54:30] Speaker A: She turns her to stone. [00:54:31] Speaker B: Turns her to stone. Suddenly, more people are materializing from the seventh dimension. [00:54:38] Speaker A: The Interdimensional Police. [00:54:40] Speaker B: Relax, folks. We're from the Interdimensional Police. We're taking Rona back to serve her time in the Stone Zone. [00:54:47] Speaker A: They use a mind control gun to force her back into the seventh dimension. Any magic effect she created will vanish off as she leaves. [00:54:54] Speaker B: Yes, indeed. Ms. Gizpitliznes turns back to normal. And she's had enough. Enough trouble for one day. I'm going back to my own world by speaking my own name backwards. Zincizzligtipiz. I didn't practice this one. Zinciltibzig zin siltibzig. [00:55:15] Speaker A: Zinziltibzig. [00:55:16] Speaker B: Yep. As everyone knows, to get a fifth dimensional imp back to the fifth dimension. [00:55:23] Speaker A: Say their name backwards. [00:55:23] Speaker B: Say their name backwards. And they can't come back for three months. 90 days. [00:55:28] Speaker A: Wow. [00:55:29] Speaker B: Yeah. All right, Lucy doll. We're free. We can stay married. Now his old flame, Dyala, appears on her world. Her real form is a mass of protoplasm margarine. Beat a baby. I could never marry a blob. [00:55:52] Speaker A: At least he can say that. [00:55:54] Speaker B: And she vows to find a way to get even. Lucy is in tears. Ms. Gespilasniz. Rona Dyala. Face it, lover boy. Your old girlfriends will Always interfere with our marriage. We'd better go through with that annulment. [00:56:12] Speaker A: Really? Really. [00:56:14] Speaker B: Yeah. What? Lucy, I don't. [00:56:21] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:56:22] Speaker B: Why don't you have your robots do all the kissing? And so, after the judge hears the story, he declares that since this was a marriage in name only. Meaning they didn't have sex yet? Not that we know of. It was the swinging 60s, after all. We've already mentioned LSD and the Beatles. Since this was a marriage in name only, I hereby grant the annulment provided both parties agree to remain friends. That's not part of a judgment. [00:57:03] Speaker A: No. You don't put conditions like that on it. [00:57:07] Speaker B: I mean, unless it's Judge Wapner. [00:57:08] Speaker A: Yeah, the People's Court. [00:57:11] Speaker B: Judge Judy. I know. Judge Judy wouldn't put up with any of this bullshit. And so, back to the old bachelor routine. Jimmy digs his little black book out of the garbage. [00:57:23] Speaker A: Good Lord. Thanks for solving that old the mole mystery, Jimmy, but I hated seeing your marriage break up. [00:57:32] Speaker B: Well, it doesn't have to, Superman. If you give Jimmy's original signal, watch back to him. [00:57:38] Speaker A: I guess Jimmy's back in his apartment. [00:57:39] Speaker B: His old girlfriends come around. [00:57:41] Speaker A: What about the house, right? What's he just gonna sit there and rot? [00:57:47] Speaker B: Apparently. Why can't Lois live there? Or, you know, Perry White and his wife just gonna raze it to the ground. Let this island go back to wilderness. [00:57:59] Speaker A: I bet Superman will leave from this scene right now and go and destroy the house and return it back to its wild state. [00:58:07] Speaker B: Why doesn't Superman live there? Clark Kent lives in a modest apartment at 344 Clinton St. Superman could probably. [00:58:13] Speaker A: Take all the construction materials, wad them up into a giant bowl and throw them in the river. [00:58:17] Speaker B: No, the sun. He'll toss it into the sun. [00:58:19] Speaker A: He'll toss it in the sun? [00:58:20] Speaker B: Yeah. Why don't you let orphans live there, Superman? [00:58:24] Speaker A: Or what are they gonna do with a 5,000 square foot house with three stories and been a patio on the top floor? [00:58:31] Speaker B: Live there. [00:58:34] Speaker A: You know what he thinks? [00:58:35] Speaker B: Why doesn't he open a mole sanctuary? [00:58:39] Speaker A: You know what he thinks of orphans? [00:58:40] Speaker B: I know. Not much. [00:58:42] Speaker A: Not much. [00:58:43] Speaker B: Well, I would like this better if it had all been a dream. [00:58:51] Speaker A: You think so? [00:58:52] Speaker B: Yes. [00:58:52] Speaker A: Me too. [00:58:53] Speaker B: Poor Lucy. [00:58:54] Speaker A: I don't like how this ends. [00:58:56] Speaker B: No. [00:58:56] Speaker A: The fact that they don't get married. And I mean, the last panel should have been Lucy holding Jimmy and saying, wake up. Wake up, Wake up. Are you okay? Yeah. [00:59:07] Speaker B: Yeah. And then planning a big kiss on his lips. So were they just gonna be friends and never Kiss again? [00:59:13] Speaker A: I guess not. She was willing to marry him. She was looking forward to her honeymoon. [00:59:17] Speaker B: Yes. [00:59:18] Speaker A: Now they're just gonna be friends. [00:59:19] Speaker B: No, she wasn't looking forward to marrying him. Then they were married. [00:59:22] Speaker A: Well, they were married. Yes. [00:59:27] Speaker B: What's the world news going to think in the interdimensional planet of the universe? [00:59:32] Speaker A: What about all the people that gave those gifts? [00:59:34] Speaker B: Yeah. Do they get the gifts back? [00:59:36] Speaker A: I guess. [00:59:38] Speaker B: Oh, geez. What about Jimmy's special trophy room? [00:59:42] Speaker A: And his viewing room, Movie viewing room. And all the robots? [00:59:45] Speaker B: Well, honestly, it looks like he has all that crap in his apartment. I want a sequel. What happened to all the gifts? What happened to that house? Very unsatisfying indeed. All right, here's the rundown of highlights in the career of Jimmy Olsen. [01:00:07] Speaker A: Are you gonna read the whole thing? [01:00:08] Speaker B: No, I'm gonna summarize. Superman number 13. December 1941. First appearance of Jimmy the Daily Planets off is a boy who seems to be about 12 years old. He saves Lois Lane from an arrow fired by the killer known as the Archer. Superman captures the villain and Jimmy gets his first byline in the Planet. I seem to remember. I believe Jimmy Olsen first appeared on the Superman radio show. Okay, but I may be wrong about that. Someone will write in and tell me. Superman 28. Jimmy appears again, but now he's in his middle teens. October 1954. Jimmy Olsen gets his own magazine. Jimmy Olsen, number 22. He meets eccentric Professor Potter. Jimmy Olsen. Here it is. Number 29. 1958. Crypto. Superboy's Superdog returns to Earth after an absence of years and becomes Jimmy's pet and is super old and senile. Jimmy Olsen number 31. Jimmy turns into Elastiglad for the first time. Jimmy Olsen number 36 introduces Lucy Lane. Jimmy Olsen, number 40. Jimmy meets Supergirl, whose existence on Earth is still a secret. I think we read this story. [01:01:25] Speaker A: We did. [01:01:25] Speaker B: In an 80 page giant where Jimmy has been temporarily blinded by tear gas, so he refuses to believe that she has superpowers because he can't see. [01:01:35] Speaker A: Oh, I don't know that we did. I don't know that we read that. [01:01:37] Speaker B: I'm sure we did. Because there's all sorts of comedic hijinks trying to keep Jimmy blind from learning about Supergirl's existence. Jimmy Olsen, 48. Jimmy becomes the first person to have an adventure with the Superman emergency squad. Ah, blah, blah, blah. Oh. Superman number 158. Descending into the bottle city of Kandor. Superman and Jimmy take on new crime fighting identities as Nightwing and Flame Bir. They have since returned on several occasions to fight crime as the Batman and Robin of Kandor. [01:02:14] Speaker A: Hmm. And they. They have crime in Kandor, huh? [01:02:18] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. Wouldn't you have crime if you were bottled up in the city? Tiny. Shrunk to tiny size. [01:02:24] Speaker A: Jimmy Olsen, number 52, 1961. He's changed into a werewolf by 5th dimensional magic. Mr. Mxyzptlk. [01:02:33] Speaker B: Very good. Almost. [01:02:35] Speaker A: Mxyzptlk. [01:02:37] Speaker B: Mxyzptlk. [01:02:38] Speaker A: Mxyzptlk. [01:02:41] Speaker B: Jimmy Olsen, 70, introduction of the lookalike squad from tiny doubles of Superman's friends. Jimmy's double, who's helped him out of some tight spots, is named Zolar. Jimmy Olsen, 72. Jimmy is inducted into the Legion of Superheroes as an honorary member. Well, oh. World's finest number 141. Jimmy teams up with Robin for the first time. They establish a secret headquarters called the Aerie in an abandoned observatory. [01:03:12] Speaker A: Really? So Robin has time to pull away from his work with Batman to have. [01:03:16] Speaker B: Robin's got a lot of time on his hands. World's finest number 144. Jimmy learns that Batman is Bruce Wayne and Robin is Dick Grayson. Right. [01:03:26] Speaker A: Wow. [01:03:26] Speaker B: That doesn't seem proper. [01:03:27] Speaker A: No. [01:03:29] Speaker B: Jimmy Olsen, 89. Jimmy becomes agent double five. So called because of the five letters and his first and last names. I think we have seen an Agent Double Five story somewhere along the way. [01:03:41] Speaker A: Wow. [01:03:42] Speaker B: What new milestones lie ahead for Jimmy. When will he graduate from Cub to full reporter? [01:03:47] Speaker A: Well, he did get the raise. [01:03:49] Speaker B: Yes. How is he world famous and he's just a cub reporter? [01:03:53] Speaker A: Cub reporter is still being used to describe a man who just sent out invitations to dignitaries from around the the world and has the wedding of the decade. [01:04:00] Speaker B: Will Superman reveal his identity to his pal? No. Will Jimmy and Lucy find a way to tie the knot permanently? Well, yes. In a future cast story on Earth one. Yes. And when will Jimmy solve the mystery of his lost father who disappeared when he was an infant? Watch future issues of this magazine for the answers. I can't wait. You can find us on social media at GoGoCheckPod. You can rate and review us on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcast from. You can find us on our sister podcast, Nerd Orchestra. And you can find us right back here next week with everyone's favorite comic titles. Jerry Lewis and the Sea Devil. I'm sorry, but we've had such an exciting few weeks. We have to turn back to the dark side sometime. [01:04:54] Speaker A: Make the best of it, right? [01:04:55] Speaker B: That's right. [01:04:56] Speaker A: You bet. [01:04:57] Speaker C: By you don't have to be a politician. You can change it all with a sin and disposition. So be heavy and spread it all around. If you find yourself a frowning. Just turn it upside down. When you wear a smile the world will shout hooray. You gotta turn on the sunshine. You gotta give in one time. You gotta turn on the sunshine. Push those blues away. Man, this dialectic's too much.