Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Are you ready? Yeah. Are you with it?
[00:00:02] Speaker B: Yeah. Okay, let's go.
[00:00:04] Speaker A: You know what to do.
[00:00:05] Speaker B: The whole world's watching and counting on you. And all you people listening out there.
Everybody everywhere. Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Welcome to Checkered Past, a loving postmodern examination of the. Go. Go. Check. Branded comic magazines published by DC Comics between February 1966 and August 1967.
I'm Dr. Bob and each week I'll be your guide on this trippy tour through 535 mid century masterpieces of graphic noveldom. This Week, Doom Patrol 111Cover Date May 1967Cover Price $0.12.Cover Artist Bruno Premiani Edited by Murray Boltanoff featuring Xerox 13 Emperor of the Cosmos Written by Arnold Drake Art by Bruno Premiani Art and Neg Man's Last Road Written by Arnold Drake Art by Bruno Premiani Are you ready? Are you with it? Then away we go Go.
Open up your eyes Take a look
[00:01:17] Speaker A: at the world around you don't you want to lend a helping hand?
Try it on your side.
[00:01:32] Speaker B: Xerox 13, Gargwax's criminal superior from his home planet comes to Earth with his followers. The Doom Patrol attempts to trick him into believing that Earth possesses an unconquerable high technology civilization. But Gargwax intervenes to expose the ruse. Then Negative man becomes a pawn in Dr. Death's scheme to seize control of the US government. The by driving its leaders to madness and suicide. Confused? Don't worry, I'll be right back with doctor Husband to explain everything.
Doomsday.
Very special day for being here with you.
Well, I'm an idiot.
[00:02:29] Speaker A: Why? What happened?
[00:02:30] Speaker B: Well, I have been wondering where my employment contract was for my teaching responsibilities. And since I didn't receive it, apparently I got it in July and I just accidentally deleted it, never signed it and sent it back.
Nonetheless, they put me on the schedule and I've been teaching, so I guess I've been doing it for free.
[00:02:48] Speaker A: You have? I mean you literally have been doing it. You haven't received any payment for it yet.
[00:02:52] Speaker B: Well, you know how these contracts, we never get paid till Halloween anyway?
[00:02:57] Speaker A: But funny, funny thing, you haven't done that. This is the first time in 15 years you've done that. Right?
[00:03:02] Speaker B: Well, honestly, why are they sending it in the middle of July? Why don't they send it so that they get closer to the start of
[00:03:08] Speaker A: term lined up and they get them lined up and just. And then. I don't know. I don't know.
[00:03:14] Speaker B: Academia. Am I right?
[00:03:15] Speaker A: You are. Right. You are right.
[00:03:17] Speaker B: How you been doing?
[00:03:19] Speaker A: Well, I'm okay. I'm okay.
So last week was the first week of classes. Yes.
And that's a very stressful thing, obviously for everybody to get things together and for the students to make sure that their schedules are right. Get, you know, and there's a lot of startup activity related to that, which is fine.
But then, and then there's also like the administrative responsibilities associated with my job, which is fine also. But then I was pushing through a deadline to finish my chapter for the book. Right.
Which I. And I spent all weekend, all weekend writing and researching and editing. And then I submitted it on Monday. Right. So today, here we are, two. Two days later, it's Butler barking at Amazon.
[00:04:05] Speaker B: Yeah, I heard.
[00:04:07] Speaker A: I do a read through of the, of the copy that I submitted.
[00:04:11] Speaker B: Oh, no.
[00:04:12] Speaker A: Yeah. And I was like, why did I leave that in there? Why did I, Why did I. Oh, no. Right. And it wasn't bad. It's just like there's some stuff that once you walk away from it and you come back to it after a couple days, you're like, oh, I didn't need that. Right. And so I contacted the editors and I said, could I possibly have another look at it and just a little edit a little bit more? And they said, oh, yeah, sure, absolutely. You've got till next Monday.
[00:04:40] Speaker B: Oh, okay.
[00:04:40] Speaker A: I was like, hooray.
I'm so excited. So now I can just sit back, like brew some tea.
[00:04:46] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:04:47] Speaker A: Get a couple cookies, sit down and leisurely read it with my red pen and just carefully make some edits. So I'm very excited about that. I'm very, very excited about that opportunity.
[00:05:00] Speaker B: Good.
[00:05:00] Speaker A: Yes. So it's a good thing. It's a little like, it was very stressful. You know how it is. You know, you meet in a deadline and you're just like, focus, focus, focus. And then the deadline passes and you look at it and you're like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's how it was. And it wasn't much. It was just like, you know, I just like looked at it, went, oh, I said that. I said that five pages ago. I don't need to say that again. Yeah.
[00:05:20] Speaker B: Anyway, like, a listener was telling me recently that he had a friend who wrote a novel.
The hook of the novel was that there were no letter E's within.
And then of course, after publication on page 12, they found a letter E. Yes. Speaking of cookies.
[00:05:40] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:05:41] Speaker B: I bought some of those chicken and waffle flavored Oreos.
[00:05:46] Speaker A: Yes, yes, yes. I had A couple of those yesterday.
[00:05:49] Speaker B: Well, you know why I bought them?
[00:05:51] Speaker A: No.
[00:05:52] Speaker B: Because I knew that they were having those test flavors come out, and I saw exactly one package sitting on an otherwise empty shelf, and you got them, and I thought, well, they must be good. I have to get them. They're selling out.
They're not horrible, but they.
They do taste like mapley waffles. They taste some kind of weird chicken taste on the back end.
[00:06:14] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, they're. It's not something I would ever buy. No. No. But speaking of cookies that you would never buy, so, you know, I have the occasional things that I like to eat that only old people like.
[00:06:27] Speaker B: Sure.
[00:06:28] Speaker A: One of them being. Has always been Fig Newtons.
[00:06:31] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:06:31] Speaker A: I love Fig Newtons.
[00:06:34] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:06:35] Speaker A: Like, they are one of my favorite desserts in the world.
[00:06:38] Speaker B: Why don't you marry them if you love them so much?
[00:06:40] Speaker A: And I know no one else who cares for them.
So on my shopping list, I had. I had written Fig Newtons Because I'm 65 years old at heart. Right.
[00:06:51] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:06:54] Speaker A: So I went to the grocery store today to find said Fig Newtons on my regular grocery store trip.
Would you happen to believe that they were on the top shelf in a very small section in a reduced package size? They have reduced the package size.
They only have, like, four different flavors. Now, I like traditional Fig Newtons because my grandmother used to have them. And I love my grandmother love. God rest her soul.
[00:07:19] Speaker B: Right.
[00:07:19] Speaker A: And it just reminds me so much of spending time with her Grammy Tudor.
So.
Yeah. So I.
Am I to infer from that that this wonderful, beloved cookie that I love will eventually be phased out?
[00:07:36] Speaker B: I don't know, because it did appear in the New York Times crossword today.
[00:07:39] Speaker A: Oh, okay. Well, then they're safe.
Probably. Yes.
[00:07:43] Speaker B: I mean, you can find a copycat
[00:07:44] Speaker A: recipe who's gonna make Fig Newtons at home.
[00:07:47] Speaker B: I'll make them for you, even though I hate them. They're disgusting.
[00:07:51] Speaker A: I know you hate them.
[00:07:52] Speaker B: Hey, would you like a little preview of our forthcoming new podcast, Pacific Princes?
[00:07:58] Speaker A: Sure.
[00:07:59] Speaker B: So we watched an episode last night where there were twins who were marrying both getting married. They're having a double wedding in Puerto Vallarta.
[00:08:08] Speaker A: The female twins were not marrying male twins.
[00:08:10] Speaker B: They're just guys. They were marrying guys.
But when they got onto the cruise, they discovered that they really liked the other's fiance better. They got along better. Well, you know what they say. Opposites attract. So it all worked out in the end. The point is, the twins had this kooky scheme on the day of their Wedding. They were gonna just swap places and marry the other guys.
[00:08:33] Speaker A: Right.
[00:08:35] Speaker B: They didn't go through with it. But the core problem was, A, they couldn't act. Neither one of them.
[00:08:42] Speaker A: It was painful to watch.
[00:08:45] Speaker B: B, they didn't look alike. One was noticeably shorter and thinner than the other.
And so how are they going to swap places? I mean, men are.
[00:08:55] Speaker A: They. They both have the same last name. They were twins.
[00:08:58] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. They are twins in real life, but they're not super identical.
[00:09:02] Speaker A: They're. They're. They're almost identical.
[00:09:04] Speaker B: Right?
[00:09:05] Speaker A: Clearly.
And the makeup. Good.
[00:09:08] Speaker B: Very bad makeup.
[00:09:09] Speaker A: Very bad makeup.
[00:09:10] Speaker B: Well, you know what? I think a lot of that is that these television shows from the 70s were not intended to be watched in high definition. So we're seeing a lot of.
Anyway, I looked up the twins and Patricia and Priscilla Barnstable.
[00:09:25] Speaker A: Did they do anything else?
[00:09:27] Speaker B: Identical twins from Louisville. Graduated from Seneca high school in 1969. Gained national recognition as the Doublemint Twins.
[00:09:35] Speaker A: No. Of course,
[00:09:39] Speaker B: blah, blah, blah.
[00:09:41] Speaker A: They
[00:09:43] Speaker B: co starred in the science fiction sitcom Quark, which I know of, but I've never seen it.
Made guest appearances on popular shows including Love Boat and Bob Hope specials.
But listen to this.
They co host the annual Barnstable Brown Kentucky Derby Gala, one of the most prestigious events surrounding the Kentucky Derby.
[00:10:07] Speaker A: Oh, they must have married.
[00:10:08] Speaker B: Well, this black tie, star studded celebration has become internationally recognized as the premier derby party.
More than just a glamorous affair, the gala has raised significant funds for diabetes research.
[00:10:20] Speaker A: Diabetes.
[00:10:21] Speaker B: With the 2024 event alone contributing $1 million to the Barnstable Brown Diabetes center at the University of Kentucky.
[00:10:29] Speaker A: Diabetes.
[00:10:30] Speaker B: Over the past decades, their efforts have resulted in over $21 million in donations for diabetes research.
[00:10:36] Speaker A: Diabetes research.
[00:10:38] Speaker B: Well, that's good. Cause they can't act.
And honestly, I didn't think they were all that pretty.
[00:10:44] Speaker A: Yeah, no, I mean, I'm not like the Lander sisters.
[00:10:47] Speaker B: Blondes aren't. I don't think the Landers sisters are all that much to look at.
[00:10:51] Speaker A: They're prettier than the Barnstable sisters.
[00:10:52] Speaker B: They are. But the Lander sisters are not twins.
[00:10:55] Speaker A: No, they aren't.
Yeah.
[00:10:59] Speaker B: Well, that's all. I hope you enjoyed that preview.
[00:11:01] Speaker A: Hey, guess what?
[00:11:02] Speaker B: Us bitching about the Love Boat. Yes.
[00:11:04] Speaker A: You know how when you come in the house and Junebug barks at you?
[00:11:08] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:11:08] Speaker A: And it's soul.
[00:11:10] Speaker B: Like she's being murdered.
[00:11:12] Speaker A: Right. And even if you clap your hands, you can't stop her from.
[00:11:14] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:11:15] Speaker A: And if you see June Bug and you hold her and soothe her, she might stop For a second, but she'll
[00:11:20] Speaker B: piss on the floor.
[00:11:20] Speaker A: She'll piss the floor and then she'll. I found a way to stop her from barking. It really confused her.
[00:11:26] Speaker B: Go.
[00:11:27] Speaker A: She's barking and screaming as I walk in the. This evening when I came home and
[00:11:30] Speaker B: I went, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark,
[00:11:33] Speaker A: right back at her, right?
[00:11:34] Speaker B: Bark, bark.
[00:11:35] Speaker A: Butler's like, what? What? What, what, what? And she didn't know what to do. I just went, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark.
Really loudly at her.
[00:11:43] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:11:43] Speaker A: And she stopped.
[00:11:45] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:11:46] Speaker A: And then she's like, wait, can I. Can I start barking? And she starts screaming. I go, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark right back at her. And she goes, oh, oh, okay. Okay. She doesn't know. She didn't run away. She wasn't scared. She just didn't know what to do.
[00:11:59] Speaker B: Huh.
[00:12:00] Speaker A: Yeah.
So I'm gonna try three more times. It wasn't cruel, you know. Right.
[00:12:06] Speaker B: Maybe she'd be scared if you did a little closer into the microphone like you were just doing.
[00:12:10] Speaker A: I was. No, no, but. So we've tried everything to keep her from.
[00:12:13] Speaker B: I know.
[00:12:13] Speaker A: I mean, soothe her, love her.
[00:12:15] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:12:16] Speaker A: Pet her, speak calmly to her. She just.
I mean, because she knows what's coming when we come in the house, she's got a treat coming. Right.
[00:12:24] Speaker B: Well, that's the first problem.
[00:12:26] Speaker A: That is the problem. Yeah. We've conditioned her. Yeah.
[00:12:30] Speaker B: We haven't.
[00:12:31] Speaker A: I have. I'm terrible.
[00:12:33] Speaker B: Thank you.
[00:12:33] Speaker A: I spoil those dogs rotten, don't I?
[00:12:35] Speaker B: You sure do.
[00:12:37] Speaker A: Don't I, kid? I do. Yes.
[00:12:40] Speaker B: So you might say that before you, Junebug trembled just like all of Earth is trembling at Xerox 13. King of the Criminal Cosmos.
[00:12:51] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:12:53] Speaker B: We're in doom patrol, number 111, one
[00:12:57] Speaker A: of the issues, or rather one of the titles that I actually really enjoy reading in this series of titles.
[00:13:04] Speaker B: Well, I've got news for you, friend.
[00:13:06] Speaker A: What?
[00:13:06] Speaker B: A brand new series of Doom Patrol, just number one, came out this very day.
[00:13:12] Speaker A: I didn't say I wanted to read these new ones. I just said.
I'm just kidding.
[00:13:19] Speaker B: Well, as you might know, Elastigirl was dead for a long time, and now she's back alive and she's in the new series.
[00:13:25] Speaker A: We haven't even said anything about lanterns.
[00:13:28] Speaker B: We did. We said it last week. We said we watched it.
[00:13:31] Speaker A: Oh, well, of course, when you come down in the morning, I'm always listening to some podcasts.
[00:13:36] Speaker B: Have a podcast about lanterns.
[00:13:37] Speaker A: Oh, there's a terrible. They're all awful. They're all awful. Like, they're not like, there's. There's this Lanterns podcast. It's like HBO Lantern.
And the guy doesn't know anything. I mean, I'm not a comic book expert, but he doesn't know anything. Anything about the canon.
And he's just going out like his guests do. But he doesn't. The host.
I just. There's nothing out there. A good podcast to listen to.
[00:14:02] Speaker B: Why don't we do our own?
[00:14:03] Speaker A: No. God.
[00:14:06] Speaker B: Well, maybe it's better that he doesn't know canon, because the people on Twitter that think they know the canon, they're. They all raging about it.
[00:14:15] Speaker A: They're raging about it, aren't they? Why?
[00:14:17] Speaker B: Yeah, because it's not lifted directly from the comic book onto the screen, which.
[00:14:22] Speaker A: Jon Stewart has no backstory.
[00:14:25] Speaker B: He does comics.
[00:14:29] Speaker A: No, he has, like, he just appears. All that stuff about his conditioning and his upbringing, that's all for the series.
[00:14:34] Speaker B: Well, yeah, that's not. He. But he has a backstory in the comics. It's not that backstory.
[00:14:40] Speaker A: Well, it's not that backstory, but, like, the people were this week were, as they said on the podcast, were just raging about his parental conditioning, you know?
[00:14:47] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:14:48] Speaker A: And it's like. Well, you know, it's just for the show.
[00:14:50] Speaker B: Right.
Because I'm an adult, I understand that comics and TV are two different things.
[00:14:55] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah.
[00:14:56] Speaker B: Sorry.
[00:14:57] Speaker A: And then the anti wokers are all like, oh, they're talking about how black people are perceived. And it's like, yeah, it's important.
[00:15:05] Speaker B: That's. That's accurate.
[00:15:07] Speaker A: Accurate, Exactly. Yeah. They're confusing, accusing paramount of going woke. I'm like, shut up.
Go climb into your mom's basement and lick your wounds.
[00:15:18] Speaker B: In the words of Dr. Manhattan, I'm tired of Earth. These people. I'm tired of being caught in the tangle of their lives.
[00:15:26] Speaker A: All right, so where were we? Somewhere out there in that limitless expanse of the universe, there may be a million or more inhabited worlds. Man's first meeting with a being from another planet could be the beginning of the incredible, incredible interplanetary alliance. But not if that alien turns out
[00:15:45] Speaker B: to be xyrox13, Emperor of the cosmos.
At a giant radio transmitter, military and scientific leaders of a dozen nations have gathered in an emergency meeting.
[00:16:00] Speaker A: Dr. Calder.
[00:16:01] Speaker B: Niles Calder is there. Famed leader of the doom patrol.
[00:16:04] Speaker A: Yes, Dr. Calder, your report confirms the findings of our experts. Intelligent radio signals from space are approaching our planet, but we have no way of determining their source of intention.
[00:16:14] Speaker B: Funny story. Niles Calder is a cripple from the waist down.
So wait, it's not the 60s. We don't say cripple anymore. We say paralyzed.
Not so Lord Marsden. One man can learn that for us. Larry Traynor, Negativeman.
[00:16:35] Speaker A: Wow.
At your service.
[00:16:37] Speaker B: At your service.
[00:16:38] Speaker A: At your service.
[00:16:39] Speaker B: Well, he's covered in bandages. Where's your special voice module?
[00:16:42] Speaker A: No, I'm not doing that.
At your service. But remember, though, Negban does 180,000 miles per second, he can't remain outside my body more than 60 seconds. So my limit is a distance of 5 million miles.
[00:16:59] Speaker B: But, well, there's too much math here. I'm not going to read all that.
[00:17:02] Speaker A: Basically, he's just saying he can go out half 5 million miles and he has to turn around and come back.
[00:17:08] Speaker B: Now, these scientists are astonished to be receiving a radio signal from outer space because it could be the first alien contact that they're having, despite the fact that they literally just fought an alien last issue. Who appears in this very issue.
Also, Superman exists, who's famously from another planet.
Yeah, yeah.
[00:17:41] Speaker A: What's up with that?
[00:17:42] Speaker B: Well, I don't know. I don't know if everybody thought this through or not.
[00:17:46] Speaker A: Okay, so what happens next?
[00:17:48] Speaker B: Well, they shove Negative man into a radio transmitter and send him off into space. He only has one minute, as you know.
[00:17:55] Speaker A: You know what bothers me?
[00:17:56] Speaker B: What?
[00:17:58] Speaker A: How.
What's Negativeman's host body's name?
[00:18:04] Speaker B: Larry.
[00:18:05] Speaker A: Larry.
How. Larry. Well, this is good. They propped him in a chair when Negative and is gone. But later on, we're gonna see him just, like, collapsed against a door with his neck up against the door, you know?
[00:18:17] Speaker B: Sure.
[00:18:19] Speaker A: That bothers me when he just, like, he looks like a dead body on the floor.
[00:18:23] Speaker B: Well, that. Because Negative man is all of his vim and vigor.
[00:18:27] Speaker A: I know, but, like, do you think he might just sort of sit down
[00:18:30] Speaker B: or, like, sit down first?
[00:18:33] Speaker A: Sometimes he looks like he's been thrown up against the wall and just collapsed.
[00:18:37] Speaker B: Maybe he has. We don't know what happens. Off panel, I did like this detail that they say Negative Man's flying through the junkyard of space, which is all the detritus left by mankind.
[00:18:49] Speaker A: Yeah, cosmic litter bugs.
[00:18:51] Speaker B: I wasn't aware that. They were aware that that was a problem in the 60s, but I guess they were.
[00:18:56] Speaker A: Well, eventually it falls back to the Earth and either burns up or lands upon it.
[00:18:58] Speaker B: Not always, Mike.
Not always.
You know, there's a theory that that might be why we have not been contacted by aliens. Because advanced civilizations fill their atmosphere with junk and they can no longer get off the planet because the rockets would be asteroid Wow. I know. I do a lot of reading during the day.
I know these sorts of things.
[00:19:26] Speaker A: So what happens with Negative Mem?
[00:19:27] Speaker B: Well, he has to pass through the Van Allen radiation belt.
[00:19:30] Speaker A: That's tricky.
[00:19:31] Speaker B: It sure is. Look at him bob and weave.
He's 1 million miles out. Now Larry's just conscious enough to report back to the assembled scientists.
Now he's 4 million miles more than 15 times further than the moon. And he spots something.
A saucer?
[00:19:52] Speaker A: An alien ship taller than a five story building.
[00:19:55] Speaker B: He zooms around it to do a speed estimate.
It's going 200,000 miles per hour.
[00:20:04] Speaker A: But Negativeman gets hit by an energy beam.
[00:20:08] Speaker B: Yeah, and he has to be pulled back to Earth. This is very dramatic. Niles is shaking. Larry. Larry, bring him back. Order Negative man back immediately.
[00:20:21] Speaker A: So Negativeman returns to Earth. Now remember, this all happens within 60 seconds. Because if he's gone more than 60 seconds, doesn't Larry die?
[00:20:28] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:20:28] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:20:31] Speaker B: So here's what Niles has learned. An alien ship, precise origin unknown, will reach Earth in 20 hours.
All radar stations must be alerted.
[00:20:41] Speaker A: Then the man in turban says, at that slow speed, even traveling from the nearest star system, no man could live long enough to finish the trip.
[00:20:49] Speaker B: But how long do aliens live, Dr. Panjeet? And suppose they've conquered life? Suspension. Or perhaps it is robot driven, eh?
[00:21:00] Speaker A: And speak of the devil, look what is driving the ship.
[00:21:04] Speaker B: A robot.
[00:21:05] Speaker A: Attention, robot pilot 19B.
[00:21:08] Speaker B: No, that's the.
[00:21:09] Speaker A: Oh, that's the what?
[00:21:10] Speaker B: That's the captain Talking to Robot 19B.
[00:21:16] Speaker A: Attention Robot Pilot 19B.
[00:21:18] Speaker B: Well now you've got to do a radio crackle voice. Attention. Rule for toilet 19B. Recorded instruction number 1247. Destination at hand. Begin reversing suspended animation of crew. Start, of course with medical team.
[00:21:32] Speaker A: 19B will comply
[00:21:36] Speaker B: shortly. These lizard men.
[00:21:40] Speaker A: Ah, it's good to be awake again. Now to revive our great leader.
[00:21:46] Speaker B: Then as they carefully proceed to restore their leader to full life.
Hail Xerox. Is it Xerox or Xerox?
[00:21:55] Speaker A: I'm going to call him Xarox.
[00:21:57] Speaker B: Hail Xerox 13.
Master of the dark forces, ruler of the ruthless, protector of the unholy and emperor of the cosmos.
That's all of them talking at once, right?
[00:22:12] Speaker A: Right, he says. Rise, my minions. Our long night is ended. Before us lies a task so devilish and grandiose in concept as to be worthy even of me, your lord and master.
[00:22:37] Speaker B: Now they're going to begin the final act of a plan born 12 centuries ago.
[00:22:42] Speaker A: That's a long time.
[00:22:42] Speaker B: That's 1200 years, the plan of our exalted ancestral leader, Xarox 1. And here, in this obscure and backward solar system lies the key. He's got a little mobile of the Sol system.
[00:22:55] Speaker A: I love that. We had that science class, didn't we?
[00:22:58] Speaker B: 1. You remember my mother's cousin?
[00:23:03] Speaker A: Which one?
[00:23:03] Speaker B: Donna.
[00:23:05] Speaker A: Oh, God.
Madame Morrible.
Yes, I do remember Donna. The most singularly unpleasant human being I've ever encountered.
[00:23:14] Speaker B: Very unpleasant. And definitely not a lesbian. Even though she shared an apartment with the same woman for 40 years.
[00:23:21] Speaker A: Definitely not a lesbian.
[00:23:23] Speaker B: Anyway, Donna's mother, Margaret, one time when she learned that I was an art major for that one semester. Yes, this was way before I went to college. I think I was in junior high school.
She asked if I could make her a model of the solar system because I did like science and I did know all about the planets.
Well, I wasn't so great at crafting models of solar system.
[00:23:50] Speaker A: Michael's crafts or Joy and fabrics or something.
[00:23:52] Speaker B: We didn't even have Michael's crafts on it.
[00:23:54] Speaker A: It's like store where you went to
[00:23:55] Speaker B: get all the little Smiling Scott. Smiling Scott products.
[00:23:58] Speaker A: What's your. Not doodahs. What do you call them?
Doomies.
[00:24:03] Speaker B: Doomies is what my grandmother, Mrs. White, called them. Anyway, I got some horrible like Styrofoam.
Styrofoam balls of different size. And some kind of paint slopped on. And I didn't know how to make a mobile and nobody was helping me. I just had like toothpicks and iron rods and things.
[00:24:21] Speaker A: Of course, they were too busy getting drunk.
[00:24:24] Speaker B: Well, I crafted it together somehow.
[00:24:25] Speaker A: And I'm sure she took it home and threw it right in the trash.
[00:24:29] Speaker B: I don't know. She said she liked it.
Anyway, my paint job was good. Even though paint famously doesn't adhere to Styrofoam very well.
[00:24:39] Speaker A: I had no idea they did it all with rubber bands.
[00:24:42] Speaker B: Oh, there were no rubber bands involved. Just wire.
I know what it is.
[00:24:49] Speaker A: Xerox. I proclaimed even then that the cosmic kingdom would rest upon the ashes of this worthless world, called by its miserable inhabitants Earth. And so be it. That's 12,000 years of hatred.
[00:25:02] Speaker B: Meanwhile, at the Paris headquarters of the Brotherhood of Evil, Monsieur Mala, a talking ape is reporting to the brain. A brain that Gargwax.
An alien sneaks into his room for one hour every day and strange radio signals are heard. Well, I can tell you. I can tell you what's going on in that room for one hour a day.
The brain is distraught. First, Madame Rouge, a French Woman who can stretch betrays dangerous tenderness to my mortal enemy, the Chief. Now Gargwax plots secretly. This all happened last issue. Which you won't remember because we recorded it one year ago.
[00:25:43] Speaker A: Oh, that's why I don't remember it.
[00:25:46] Speaker B: Now here comes Gargwax to say, yes, it's the truth. I am going to my room because I've become what you Earth men call homesick. And so I sit listening for the sounds of my planet on radio.
[00:26:01] Speaker A: You homesick? Ridiculous. You have an emotional system. You have the emotional system of a spider.
[00:26:07] Speaker B: But I tell you it's true. It's true.
[00:26:09] Speaker A: And I tell you, you lie. Mala, grab him.
[00:26:13] Speaker B: You don't dare kill me. I'm your only avenue to the knowledge and weapons of my world.
[00:26:18] Speaker A: Sigh.
I fear he's right, Monsieur Mala. But be warned, Gargwax. Cross me and you die horribly.
[00:26:26] Speaker B: So brains can sigh.
That's important scientific information.
[00:26:31] Speaker A: Well, I think he speaks through some sort of robo.
[00:26:33] Speaker B: Well, yes, he is a robotic voice box of some kind.
[00:26:37] Speaker A: But of course he can Sigh. It's just like this.
[00:26:42] Speaker B: Well, it's a robot, so it'd be like.
[00:26:45] Speaker A: No, it would be like this.
I fear he's right, Monsieur Marat.
[00:26:51] Speaker B: Later, at the Million Dol. Excuse me? Oh, at the Million Dollar shack of Rita and Steve Dayton.
Rita's Elastigirl, of course.
Steve is Minto.
And their newly won ward, Gar Logan. Beast Boy.
[00:27:08] Speaker A: I remember that.
[00:27:09] Speaker B: Okay, good. That also happened last issue or two issues ago.
[00:27:13] Speaker A: Well, anyway, he's trying to show the kid how he lifts things with his mind. Wow, that was really amazing how you lifted that statue up off the plinth.
[00:27:23] Speaker B: What kind of statue is this? It's.
[00:27:26] Speaker A: Well, it's two wrestlers, but they're doing some.
[00:27:27] Speaker B: It looks like some kind of statue the Gargwax might have in his bedroom.
[00:27:31] Speaker A: Bedroom? With his radio.
[00:27:34] Speaker B: All right, he. Mento, lifts the statue and burns a hole in some wood. And Garfield says, what's the big deal? Look at what I can do. I'm gonna turn into a giant bear with a green face, and I'll pick up the statue. And I'm also busting through this wooden door. How do you like that?
[00:27:50] Speaker A: See?
[00:27:50] Speaker B: Garfield's a brat.
[00:27:52] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:27:54] Speaker B: Now, here comes Robotnun to fetch Rita. They've got a mission for the Doom Patrol.
And Robotman says, mento, you and Beast Boy wait here.
We don't need you.
[00:28:09] Speaker A: Plus, the President wants you kids to be physically fit.
This must be Nixon.
[00:28:15] Speaker B: No, Johnson.
[00:28:16] Speaker A: Oh, okay.
[00:28:19] Speaker B: We're gonna pause here for a moment.
[00:28:20] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:28:21] Speaker B: Dear editor.
[00:28:22] Speaker A: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I have to turn the page because I did scan through, and I know exactly what you're reading, and I was so excited.
[00:28:30] Speaker B: When the time comes to hand out prizes for best villain, without a doubt, Galtry will win. I've never seen such a truly good development of a villain's mean, nasty, and generally finky behavior. As a minor character, Galtry made his debut with characteristic wiliness. First, we noticed him only as Beast Boy's miserly guardian. But slowly his true ambitions were revealed. He's an embezzler, a blackmailer, and. And give him time. He'll want to rule the world. Here is a villain worth battling for. The DP Will have to depend on something other than mere brawn to defeat Galtry. By the way, as I write this, he may already have been finally beaten in issues not yet distributed. Be that as it may, no matter how impossible Galtry's return is, I'm hoping he will come back, if for no other reason than he's an interesting, entertaining, thoroughly despicable man.
By the way, going to college now may well prohibit the possibility of more letters. So enjoy. Irene Varnhoff, Lake Forest, Illinois. No, she can't stop writing letters.
[00:29:34] Speaker A: She will continue if she has to.
[00:29:35] Speaker B: She will. She's desperate to be heard. She's at least 1968.
[00:29:42] Speaker A: And the editors were so interesting in the response. Oh, no. Perish the thought, Irene. You don't know how we lunge at the sack of mail every morning in anticipation of your latest missive. As for Gtry, you can count on that fink being around for some time yet.
So they do acknowledge that they. Well, at least they did here acknowledge that they enjoy reading her mail. I'm sure they don't enjoy reading her mail.
[00:30:05] Speaker B: Well, I think.
[00:30:06] Speaker A: What do you think?
[00:30:07] Speaker B: Well, she was infamous. They called her Member. They called her.
Her initials are Ivy. They call her Poison Ivy around the editorial offices. But I think by this time, she had already visited the offices and.
[00:30:20] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:30:21] Speaker B: In fact, probably been offered some.
[00:30:22] Speaker A: And then she becomes a comic book writer later on.
[00:30:25] Speaker B: Right. She does have some affiliation with Marvel. Yes, especially. And now she's written novels and.
[00:30:32] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:30:32] Speaker B: Whatnot.
[00:30:33] Speaker A: Well, I was so excited. Of course, I. Every time that I read one of these, I quickly scan through the letters. Theater.
Are we gonna get one from Irene? Yeah. So excited. So, part two, we see. We get the rest of the. We get the rest of Steve and the boy. What's his name?
[00:30:50] Speaker B: Garfield.
[00:30:51] Speaker A: Garfield, for the rest of this issue.
[00:30:53] Speaker B: Now, Mentos says, if you're going off with those freaks, I'm coming with you. Rita.
[00:30:57] Speaker A: She goes, no, let's not go into that again, Steve. If the Chief wanted help from an outsider, he'd have asked for it. You and Gar have fun. I'll see you soon.
[00:31:05] Speaker B: Bye. Humph. Her husband, she calls an outsider dames. Am I right, Garfield? The word is blech.
[00:31:13] Speaker A: And that goes for me, too.
[00:31:15] Speaker B: Double neat.
[00:31:16] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. So that's it. And that's the last we see of them for this issue. It is three hours later, somewhere near the North Pole.
[00:31:24] Speaker B: Here's our Doom Patrol members. They're all hunkered down on a snowbank.
[00:31:28] Speaker A: The Chief is certain he was able to plot the course of that alien ship by radar. And if it was headed straight for here, we should see it.
[00:31:36] Speaker B: And just then, a giant shape appears in the sky. It looks like the Green Glob. Yeah, old friend.
It starts to take shape.
Somebody we don't see, who says they get it? They can teleport their bodies through short distances of space. So he left the ship up there someplace and shot himself down here. And as he materializes, it's Zorox 13.
[00:32:00] Speaker A: Oh, he's a big son of a gun.
So, Larry, as Negativeman.
[00:32:05] Speaker B: Yes?
[00:32:05] Speaker A: Says, you two stay here. I'll put the Chief's plan into action.
[00:32:08] Speaker B: Yes, but remember, make sure he's unfriendly before you start the gambit. We wouldn't want to scare off a galactic good guy.
[00:32:15] Speaker A: Well, we'll put that question to rest right away. So negativeman says, Hiya, Mr. Spaceman. Did you come out?
Wait.
[00:32:26] Speaker B: Yes, go on.
[00:32:27] Speaker A: You did come from out there, didn't you?
Oh, sorry. Thank you very much. He says.
Yes, from a world far superior to yours, we. Why, you people are even feebler than I thought. You, conquest shall prove simple.
[00:32:43] Speaker B: Sure, I'm small. All babies are born small here.
[00:32:47] Speaker A: Right?
He says. Say that again. I read your thoughts. Of course, not your foolish speech, but your thoughts seem confused. A baby.
[00:32:57] Speaker B: Yeah, you were right, mister. I am a baby. Wait, I'll call my mommy. Mommy. Mommy, Come see the nice man I met here.
[00:33:06] Speaker A: I am, Larry Wary, she says, It's Rita.
[00:33:10] Speaker B: She's grown giant, Gigantic. And what a cute little winter outfit she's got on.
[00:33:15] Speaker A: Expanded with her body.
[00:33:17] Speaker B: Oh, sure, all her clothes do.
[00:33:18] Speaker A: Okay, here I am, Larry. I was coming anyway. It's time for your milk. Oh, who's your little friend?
[00:33:25] Speaker B: Well, Xarox is astonished. This woman's Giant.
You were naughty again, Larry. Wary you left your toy man lying out in the snow. That's Robotman. He's the toy quote unquote.
What does. Oh, how do robots. No, it's Robotman. How does he talk?
[00:33:42] Speaker A: What does my little master wish? Is that how he talks?
[00:33:45] Speaker B: I don't.
[00:33:46] Speaker A: That's why I wanted to go get a tin can out of the recycling bin, see what it sounded like for
[00:33:50] Speaker B: our podcast next year when we do the next issue. Okay, I'm cold and thirsty. Make me a hot drink.
[00:33:58] Speaker A: So, Robotman.
That's his name, right?
[00:34:01] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:34:01] Speaker A: Robotman melts some snow in his hand and makes him some. I don't. I don't. Makes him some. The hot water anyway.
[00:34:10] Speaker B: All right, so Xarox again is astonished they have robot technology on this world.
Not as advanced as ours, of course, but still. My agent never informed me of this. I'd better find out more.
[00:34:23] Speaker A: Yes. So he says to Negative in, you must be very wealthy child to have your own robot.
[00:34:30] Speaker B: You're joking, mister. All the kids build them. The do it yourself kits are so cheap, children. Just like Anakin in the Phantom Menace when he builds C3PO for some reason, with his mother living in poverty, what did she need a protocol droid walking around for?
That always bothered me. I'm still not over it.
[00:34:52] Speaker A: Okay, all right.
[00:34:53] Speaker B: I can see if he builds R2D2, but of course that's not what happened.
[00:34:56] Speaker A: No, he builds basically a trash can with a rotating head on wheels. Yeah, yeah.
[00:35:01] Speaker B: He has to build a walking around gay British robot that serves no purpose.
[00:35:08] Speaker A: He didn't have any real friends, but
[00:35:11] Speaker B: he didn't build it for himself. He built it for his mother.
His mother, who's working 23 hours a day out in the water pit field or whatever she did.
[00:35:20] Speaker A: You are operating under the assumption that I actually give a frick fig fig about the Star wars prequels, which I do not.
[00:35:33] Speaker B: Oh, I'm well aware.
[00:35:34] Speaker A: Yeah. Well, at least the first couple, I think. Oh, yeah.
Anything pre Jar Jar, including Jar Jar and.
[00:35:43] Speaker B: Oh, just.
[00:35:44] Speaker A: That was awful. It was painful to watch. Okay, so what the hell is it?
Xarox13 says I must go now.
I only came for a brief visit. Goodbye, child.
What is this?
[00:36:02] Speaker B: A trick. Don't leave.
[00:36:03] Speaker A: Zorax 13. Zarax. Zorax. Zorax. His name's not Zardosh. Why am I thinking about Zardox? What's Zardox?
[00:36:09] Speaker B: Zardoz is Sean Connery in a Mankini for two hours. That's the Best movie ever made.
[00:36:17] Speaker A: So could take a go ahead.
[00:36:20] Speaker B: Wait.
[00:36:20] Speaker A: Yeah, no, Gargwax is saying. Cause he's the secret agent. He's Speaking to
[00:36:28] Speaker B: Xarox.
[00:36:29] Speaker A: Xarox 13.
He's letting him in on the game. They're playing with Xerox.
[00:36:34] Speaker B: That's a misprint. So Gargwax calls him Xorax. It's Xerox.
[00:36:39] Speaker A: Oh, you're right. There we go.
[00:36:41] Speaker B: Thank you. No wonder we're confused.
[00:36:43] Speaker A: Xerox, he says the woman's a freak who can stretch her body. The bandage one is a full grown man. And the robot has a human brain.
[00:36:51] Speaker B: It's Gargwak, the alien fink. Okay, Larry, throw away your battle shift to plan B. Like now, while they start punching, Robotman starts punching.
Yep.
[00:37:02] Speaker A: Takes Xerox by surprise. Xerox 13 by surprise. But that things don't go as he plans, do they? No, because Xerox 13 starts disappearing.
[00:37:13] Speaker B: Teleporting.
[00:37:14] Speaker A: Teleporting all over the place in such a rapid manner that neither Negativeman nor Robotman can actually land a good punch.
[00:37:23] Speaker B: No, but Rita's got an idea. She shrinks down Tiny.
[00:37:27] Speaker A: She's very clever. As women are in these situations. Yes, men just like think with their stupid fists, right? And she's like, I have a plan.
[00:37:36] Speaker B: So she shrinks Tiny. She climbs up Xerox's cloak with a hairpin.
[00:37:44] Speaker A: With a hairpin. And does something to his helmet, which has transceivers and whatnot.
[00:37:49] Speaker B: Yes, she does some electronical, shorts it out and now he can't teleport no more. And here comes Roboman knocking him out
[00:37:56] Speaker A: and lands a really good punch to the solar plexus.
[00:37:59] Speaker B: Yep. And then Larry gives him a follow up. K. Oh, they're just playing like toss, toss a. Toss a bag.
[00:38:10] Speaker A: But then.
[00:38:10] Speaker B: Is that a real game? Toss a bag?
[00:38:12] Speaker A: I don't know. Gargwax. Gargwax says Xerox 13. It's the Energizers. It's his little transmitters on his forehead, on his head. The girls shorted them out. Find the short quickly. So Xarox reaches up and pulls out the hairpin and is able to do his transmitter thing again.
Grabs Gargwax by the hand and after Gargax begs him to take him with him. And they fly up into the sky like a cloud surrounded by one of Butler's farts.
[00:38:41] Speaker B: Now I was very confused because with all this dialogue I was under the impression that Gargwax and Xarox were the same species.
And indeed they Both do have green skin, but they aren't. But, well, Xorox has a. You know, like a snake nose. And Gargwax has a normal human nose, normal human teeth, weird ears that Xarox does not have.
I don't know what to think.
[00:39:09] Speaker A: Well, he calls him Master.
[00:39:11] Speaker B: I know. That's why. It also made me think they're all from the same race.
[00:39:15] Speaker A: Oh, God. So later, at the Paris headquarters of the Brotherhood of Evil. Now, here is another character with green skin and sparkly eyes and a helmet with transient.
[00:39:27] Speaker B: No, that's Xorox.
[00:39:28] Speaker A: Oh, wait.
[00:39:29] Speaker B: Gargox took him back to the.
[00:39:32] Speaker A: What's Brain? What's the Brainman doing? The Brain? Who's he talking to?
Listen, look, look. I'm on page 13, right?
[00:39:40] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:39:41] Speaker A: So the Brain is there. He says, I knew Goguax was only. He's talking to this person, right? I knew Gogwax was only the. Was. Was only an underling in his world. He never had the bearing of a ruler. But tell me, partner, what is this plan of yours? And he says, oh, oh, oh, I get it. I get it. I get it. I was wrong.
[00:40:05] Speaker B: I mean, that's my assumption right now, in this moment. Because when I read it, I actually thought the same thing. But now that I look at it, it is Xarox's helmet.
[00:40:14] Speaker A: It is xarox. Okay. Xerox 13. I thought, well, how is Brain talking to him?
[00:40:20] Speaker B: I assumed that maybe that Gargwax. They just went back there. That's where they teleported to.
[00:40:26] Speaker A: This doesn't make sense.
[00:40:27] Speaker B: No, it doesn't.
[00:40:28] Speaker A: What's about to happen in a few pages.
This doesn't make sense.
[00:40:34] Speaker B: Okay, well, let's put a pin in it, and we'll circle back.
[00:40:37] Speaker A: Okay, so let's just establish that the Brain is talking to Xerox 13. And he says to him, I knew Gargoax was only an underling in his world, and he never had the bearing of a ruler. But tell me, partner, to Xerox 13.
[00:40:52] Speaker B: Yes?
[00:40:52] Speaker A: What is this plan of yours? And Xerox 13 says, I will reveal it in time, Brain. Till then, trust me. So we're leaving this panel with the two of them, the brain and Xerox 13, working together, right?
[00:41:07] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:41:08] Speaker A: Good. Let's move on.
[00:41:12] Speaker B: At that moment, off the shores of Lake Erie.
[00:41:16] Speaker A: It's good to get the. I don't know if that's not right.
[00:41:18] Speaker B: It's been renamed Lake Xerox. Oh, yeah, of course. Google has changed the name. Yes.
[00:41:23] Speaker A: Effective today, it's Good to get away from the business, the family for a weekend, Sam.
[00:41:28] Speaker B: Right, Milt. The best part is there's none of that stupid television. This is the first quiet moment I've had since they invented TV. Really?
TV's been in existence now in your world for 17 years.
[00:41:43] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:41:44] Speaker B: You're telling me you haven't had a quiet moment? Who's the boss of your house? Did you tell your kids to turn the TV off?
[00:41:48] Speaker A: Maybe his wife watches her stories.
[00:41:51] Speaker B: Well, sure, but he's at work all day. She's home.
She's a housewife, I'm assuming.
[00:41:56] Speaker A: Well, when are the stories over with? Two.
[00:41:58] Speaker B: Oh, no, four.
[00:42:00] Speaker A: Four? They last that long? Yes.
[00:42:02] Speaker B: General Hospital was on three to four. That was the best because you could get home from school and time.
[00:42:06] Speaker A: So when would a woman do her housework and shopping? In the morning.
[00:42:09] Speaker B: In the morning.
[00:42:10] Speaker A: And then how would they.
[00:42:11] Speaker B: The stories started at 11:30 with Secret Storm. Then there'd be local news and then the Edge of Night.
[00:42:19] Speaker A: When would the kids come home?
[00:42:20] Speaker B: Three, Three thirty.
Edge of Night.
All My Children, One Life to Live, General Hospital. Those are the ABC soaps.
[00:42:29] Speaker A: So if she. If the stories are done at 4, husband comes home at what? 5:30?
[00:42:34] Speaker B: 5:15. Yeah.
[00:42:36] Speaker A: So he needs to have his cocktail ready. Folks, we're talking about the typical sort of 1950s, 1960 routine of the average housewife.
So he comes home at what time?
[00:42:46] Speaker B: Five. Let's say 5:30.
[00:42:47] Speaker A: 5:30. Right. So she has an hour and a half to assuming that she's got, what, the television on in the kitchen?
[00:42:56] Speaker B: Maybe.
[00:42:58] Speaker A: Yeah, because, like, she's not going to be able to make dinner and cocktail and everything else and have it all ready in an hour and a half.
[00:43:05] Speaker B: Well, I don't see why not. I do it every night.
[00:43:07] Speaker A: When does she do the ironing?
[00:43:08] Speaker B: In the morning.
[00:43:09] Speaker A: In the morning. When she's. When she's also tidying the house, Vacuuming and dusting.
[00:43:14] Speaker B: Well, you can iron while you're watching your stories.
[00:43:17] Speaker A: So where does that happen? In the kitchen.
[00:43:21] Speaker B: There's a. The only TV in the house is not going to be in the kitchen. There's going to be TV in the living room.
[00:43:27] Speaker A: Okay. All right.
[00:43:30] Speaker B: And it's. You know how TVs were. They're probably on a little rolling tray.
[00:43:33] Speaker A: Like, your mother worked from home, but. Well, no, your mother. Your mother did not.
Was your mother a housewife?
[00:43:39] Speaker B: Until I was born and then she went to work.
[00:43:41] Speaker A: Now, my mother was a housewife for the first, probably four years of my life, which I don't remember any of. But then after that, she had to work right when she divorced my dad.
So she didn't. They divorced each other, but, like,
[00:43:56] Speaker B: she
[00:43:57] Speaker A: had to go to work.
So I never saw what the typical 60s housewife did because I wasn't born till 71. But most of my friends, my parents, both parents worked.
[00:44:07] Speaker B: Yeah, just.
[00:44:09] Speaker A: I don't know why. We move on.
[00:44:15] Speaker B: All right, they millions of miles from
[00:44:18] Speaker A: Earth,
[00:44:22] Speaker B: Aphex, who's apparently in command of Xerox's ship, has turned on the gravity simulator with which they're going to suck up all the water out of Lake Erie.
[00:44:34] Speaker A: Where does it go?
[00:44:37] Speaker B: Up into space, I guess.
Lake Erie is dry. Sam and Milt are astonished to see all the dead fish and sunken boats on the floor of Lake Erie.
I don't know how they avoided getting sucked up.
But that was just a small test the Xerox was running. And now he's going to let all the water back in. And Sam and Milt are dead. So enjoy your quiet, Sam.
Get plenty of it now, unless you go down.
[00:45:06] Speaker A: So here we go. So they just put the water back in. So this is why I was so surprised.
[00:45:11] Speaker B: Right?
[00:45:12] Speaker A: Because meanwhile, at the Doom Patrol mansion. Okay, very interesting. It's Madame Rouge. Rouge and Mala.
And not the Brain.
[00:45:26] Speaker B: No.
[00:45:27] Speaker A: Oh, okay, so maybe the Paris headquarters of the Brotherhood of Evil. Maybe the Brotherhood of Evil is splitting.
Could be because Listener, this is what happens.
Robotman and Doctor.
I really should write these things down. I'm so sorry that I can't remember this Doctor. Who's the doctor in the wheelchair?
[00:45:48] Speaker B: Niles.
[00:45:49] Speaker A: Niles. Niles Calder are looking at a monitor. And Monsieur Mala and Madame Rouge. Madame Rouge are on a viewer. They're actually coming to see them at Doom Patrol headquarters, which is unusual because they're their enemies. They fight them.
[00:46:04] Speaker B: Right.
But we learned last time that Madame Rouge is sweet on Niles.
[00:46:09] Speaker A: Oh, yes. So why does that person riding the bicycle look like he's so uncomfortable riding a bicycle?
[00:46:15] Speaker B: Well, I don't know.
[00:46:16] Speaker A: Maybe because he's going like this. He's going like it's his first time on a bicycle.
[00:46:21] Speaker B: Maybe it is. You don't know.
[00:46:22] Speaker A: Okay, anyway, so meanwhile, at the Doom Patrol Mansion, Robotman says, I'll be a rusty jukebox. Mala and Rouge coming straight here. Well, let's give them a little reception.
Signal them in, Chief. And so one electronically controlled door opens after another, admitting the pair deeper into the building. And then Robotman just lunges drop kick on Monsieur Mala. And Monsieur Mala just gives Robotman the biggest punch to the chest, knocking him across the room into Niles.
[00:46:55] Speaker B: Yep.
Madame Rouge puts a stop to it.
You.
[00:47:00] Speaker A: You fools. A man like this, More man than any of you. You could have killed him.
[00:47:07] Speaker B: Niles, are you all right?
[00:47:09] Speaker A: I. I am, madam. But I must say, your solicitude is touching.
So what? Does she have a power?
[00:47:17] Speaker B: Yes. She can stretch.
[00:47:18] Speaker A: She's like Plastic One.
[00:47:21] Speaker B: All right. Anyway, Monsieur Mala says the Brain, this is why we're confused. The Brain offers you a truce so that we may join forces with you to combat Earth's greatest menace.
[00:47:34] Speaker A: That's it? The Brain offers a truce. That's why I thought it was so weird.
I didn't catch it my first reading. I thought it was so weird because the Brain appears to be working with Earth's greatest menace.
[00:47:48] Speaker B: Right.
[00:47:48] Speaker A: But maybe he's just pretending.
[00:47:50] Speaker B: That's what I think. They're all trying to double cross each other. Yeah.
Yeah. But I guess we'll have to wait a year to find out how it ends, because that's the end of the issue.
[00:48:02] Speaker A: Are we gonna get. Are we gonna at least see it in the next. In the checkerboard masthead? Will we get to it?
[00:48:07] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:48:08] Speaker A: Okay, good.
[00:48:09] Speaker B: I mean, if there's outstanding listener demand, we could do the follow up next week, I'm sure. Skip ahead.
[00:48:16] Speaker A: Well, if one of our listeners says we want to hear it, then that's 50% of our listenership.
[00:48:22] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:48:22] Speaker A: Yes. So let us know what's going on in this neighborhood.
[00:48:26] Speaker B: What do you mean?
[00:48:26] Speaker A: Driving around in a golf cart.
And then there's a kid that has an ATV that drives up and down the road. What has happened to this? This is madness.
[00:48:35] Speaker B: Oh, well, I didn't tell you what happened yesterday.
[00:48:37] Speaker A: What?
[00:48:37] Speaker B: A next door neighbor came over to find out who the president was because the two neighbors down, I guess their kid was playing close to the street and some car speeded down the road and almost hit him. Oh, no.
[00:48:50] Speaker A: Like two neighbors down this way. Yeah, well, they have like three kids or something.
[00:48:53] Speaker B: Like eight. I don't know. They have a billion kids. But anyway, someone was speeding down the road.
[00:48:59] Speaker A: Wow.
[00:48:59] Speaker B: And you know, they have those big shrubberies out by the road.
[00:49:02] Speaker A: You've been calling me twitchy curtains, you know, for years. And I'll tell you, I like. I do not like how people speed down this.
[00:49:07] Speaker B: No, I don't either.
[00:49:09] Speaker A: It's. And it's just. I mean, it. It doesn't take but three minutes.
Not even that.
[00:49:14] Speaker B: No.
[00:49:15] Speaker A: A minute to drive from one end of our development to the other.
[00:49:18] Speaker B: Well, and you know exactly who it was speeding.
Anyway, I gave her the name of the president.
[00:49:24] Speaker A: Good.
[00:49:25] Speaker B: I hope they call the law just
[00:49:26] Speaker A: pointed across the street.
[00:49:28] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah.
Anyway, if you want to hear the conclusion of this story next week, you let us know. Listener, you can find us on social media at. Go go check. Paula, wait.
[00:49:39] Speaker A: We're not done.
[00:49:40] Speaker B: We're not.
[00:49:40] Speaker A: We're gonna do the sizzling finale.
Nightman's Last Road.
This is a two parter.
[00:49:48] Speaker B: You didn't even. Usually you don't read the second stories. I wasn't prepared for you to have read it. Did you read it? Yes.
[00:49:55] Speaker A: Well, of course I read it. It's negative Men.
[00:49:57] Speaker B: Well, this is the sizzling finale of the Negative. The private world of Negativemin.
[00:50:02] Speaker A: And this is a story that sets him up for how he joins a doom patrol.
[00:50:05] Speaker B: But I'm not sure we've read any of the previous installments.
[00:50:09] Speaker A: I don't remember what happened. I don't even know how he gets his powers.
[00:50:13] Speaker B: He's a pilot. Yes, he's a test pilot.
[00:50:16] Speaker A: We saw this. We read this a year ago.
[00:50:19] Speaker B: Okay, all right, all right, all right. Calm down.
[00:50:21] Speaker A: I'm so excited when I read it because it's a sizzling conclusion.
[00:50:25] Speaker B: The sizzling finale. As we read in the text.
[00:50:28] Speaker A: In the days before the Doom Patrol, Larry Traynor, locked behind the strange bandages that prevent his body's radioactivity from killing those around him, fights a living, losing battle to be re accepted into the normal world.
[00:50:41] Speaker B: Mother.
[00:50:41] Speaker A: Despair. Despair has brought him to the breaking point. Is there no way out for him?
[00:50:47] Speaker B: Mother, look at the funny man. He looks like a mummy.
[00:50:50] Speaker A: Huh? She'll hurt the man's feelings.
[00:50:53] Speaker B: Poor Larry.
[00:50:54] Speaker A: I know.
[00:50:55] Speaker B: Walking around in public with his bandages, feeling left off.
[00:50:58] Speaker A: No job, no friends. Behind the bandages, a face that would frighten any girl.
Well.
[00:51:05] Speaker B: What?
[00:51:05] Speaker A: Oh, guess he doesn't. He isn't a confirmed bachelor until the television.
[00:51:10] Speaker B: No.
[00:51:10] Speaker A: Yes, of course.
Oh, would frighten any girl. Might as well pack my bags and get out before I break Bomb's heart any further. My son, the freak.
[00:51:19] Speaker B: He's a freak.
My son, the freak. It could be a sitcom soon after.
[00:51:25] Speaker A: Larry, where are you going with that suitcase?
[00:51:27] Speaker B: Uh oh, she spotted me.
[00:51:29] Speaker A: Nevermind, son, come with me. I want you to meet a good friend.
Larry, this is Mr. Toliver, a lovely gentleman I met at the Sunshine Club, the recreation center for old timers.
[00:51:42] Speaker B: A pleasure, young man.
[00:51:44] Speaker A: The same here, sir.
[00:51:46] Speaker B: You know, we had a. Ms. Toliver was my band director in school.
[00:51:52] Speaker A: Ms.
[00:51:52] Speaker B: I think she actually.
[00:51:54] Speaker A: Oh, is she a lesbian? Please.
Well, a widoweress.
A widow. I just said widowess.
A widow.
[00:52:02] Speaker B: The assumption was that she was lesbian. Of course, we didn't talk about things like that in the 70s.
[00:52:07] Speaker A: Well, did she get along with Mr. Mr. Marriott?
[00:52:11] Speaker B: I'm not sure. They.
[00:52:13] Speaker A: Back in those days. I don't think lesbians associated with the gays.
[00:52:16] Speaker B: No. And then she was high school, he was junior high, so there was a big field in between the buildings anyway.
And she was very mannish looking, I swear to God. But now she's having a lovely retirement. She's a professional photographer out in Arizona.
[00:52:33] Speaker A: For her, I just remembered something I never disclosed to you before. What? We had a lesbian female gym teacher. What?
[00:52:41] Speaker B: Lesbians are famously female. Yes, in.
[00:52:44] Speaker A: I'm so sorry. We had a female gym teacher who was a lesbian. Yes. Who I think was named Mrs. Osborne. And she looked exactly like Mrs. Drysdale from. No, sorry, no, no. Mrs. Drysdale. Mrs. O. Damn it.
Hillbillies.
[00:53:04] Speaker B: Ms. Drysdale. No, that's Mr. Drysdale.
[00:53:06] Speaker A: Mr. Drysdale, exactly. What's her name?
[00:53:07] Speaker B: Ms. Hathaway.
[00:53:08] Speaker A: Ms. Hathaway. She looks exactly like Ms. Hathaway.
[00:53:12] Speaker B: Now, was her name Mrs. Osborne? Was she married?
[00:53:15] Speaker A: Ms. Osborne.
[00:53:16] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:53:16] Speaker A: Yes. Good. But she looked eggs. Like a spitting image of her. I found it shocking.
[00:53:23] Speaker B: Well, Ms. Tolliver ran a tight ship. You didn't dare fool around. And band. We had to have our marching band music memorized every week.
We had to go in her office and test on it.
And not like these modern marching bands. We did a different show of music every single week.
[00:53:40] Speaker A: You did?
[00:53:41] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:53:42] Speaker A: Oh. Cause like our marching bands just do one show the whole season. I know. Oh, wow.
[00:53:48] Speaker B: I know. I say that it might have been every home game, but it was different shows all season.
[00:53:53] Speaker A: Can I just tell you something?
[00:53:55] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:53:56] Speaker A: Okay. I didn't play an instrument in high school.
[00:53:58] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:53:59] Speaker A: I was in choir.
[00:54:00] Speaker B: Yes, so was I.
[00:54:02] Speaker A: It's no excuse being in marching. I had friends who were in marching band. Yeah, of course.
Really close friends.
[00:54:08] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:54:08] Speaker A: It would have been hell for me to be in marching band. Absolute hell.
[00:54:12] Speaker B: Why?
[00:54:13] Speaker A: I. I just can't stand it. Like, I couldn't. I can't. I cannot imagine standing there in a hot Florida sun in a uniform.
Or even like those Friday night games in Florida in August and September and October and November. Like in the heat in those uniforms. Oh, my God.
I mean, oh, my God.
[00:54:37] Speaker B: Well, central Ohio is no picnic in the summer.
[00:54:40] Speaker A: Oh, at least it starts to cool down in late September.
[00:54:43] Speaker B: But then you're freezing to death. And you're sitting in cold stands with blankets all around you.
[00:54:47] Speaker A: It's like playing every time they go to punt or. Or kick or.
[00:54:52] Speaker B: Oh, I think you would have loved it. Cause it's all choreography and showmanship.
[00:54:58] Speaker A: But not the kind that gay people like.
[00:54:59] Speaker B: Well, you could have been a majorette.
[00:55:02] Speaker A: I very seriously double doubt it.
[00:55:05] Speaker B: Why? It's just a stick that you twirl around. You could do that, and they'd give you some kind of silky blouse and.
[00:55:12] Speaker A: Shall we get back to tea? Yes.
[00:55:15] Speaker B: So Mr. Toliver is here having tea. And he's brought some cookies.
And he's reported that the Sunshine Club has to close down.
[00:55:26] Speaker A: Yeah.
Because they've made some wonderful cookies.
[00:55:29] Speaker B: By the way, the club is broke.
[00:55:31] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:55:32] Speaker B: And besides, most of the old folks don't really care much. I wonder if they're all like my mother, who said she hated old people. She'd never leave. When she was in the nursing home, she'd never leave her room to go mingle with the others. Because she hated old people.
[00:55:49] Speaker A: She did. She really famously did. Yeah.
[00:55:55] Speaker B: Anyway, Larry assumes that his mother's made the cookies. But no, it was Mr. Tolfer.
It was his mother's recipe. And it would have died with her if I hadn't.
[00:56:07] Speaker A: Hoo. Ha.
Hold it. Have I got a deer for you. An idea for you. The Girl Scouts do it and make millions every year. So why not you great old Scouts? Sorry, I don't. Why am I having a difficult time reading this?
[00:56:21] Speaker B: I don't know.
[00:56:21] Speaker A: Sell them door to door.
A fine scheme. But as I said, most of our old people have no heart left, no spirit. They'd never go for this.
That's another problem, and a tougher one.
[00:56:33] Speaker B: No, it isn't. Not when you've got the right person to inspire them. His mother is Katharine Hepburn, by the way.
[00:56:39] Speaker A: I love that.
[00:56:39] Speaker B: And we've got him right here.
They've given up hope. But who had a better ride to quit than you, Larry? And look how you're fighting back.
[00:56:49] Speaker A: He thinks to himself, yeah, just look. I was just three steps away from quitting with bag in my hand. Quitting what? Life. Quitting.
[00:56:56] Speaker B: He was gonna just leave.
[00:56:58] Speaker A: And negative men would never let him do that.
[00:57:01] Speaker B: No, he wouldn't. But he had a suitcase. I don't know where he thought he was going. Probably.
[00:57:04] Speaker A: He says, okay, Mom. I get the pitch. You want me to give the pep talk? It's a deal. So the following day, he says, and finally, take Franklin. He's speaking to A room full of seniors. Take Franklin Roosevelt. A polio.
A polio victim. I thought it said Polo. A polio victim who became president. Or Sam Langford, who defended his boxing crown while almost blind.
[00:57:27] Speaker B: They didn't quit.
[00:57:28] Speaker A: And you either, Mr. Trainer. Hurrah. And neither will we.
[00:57:34] Speaker B: So the old people are coming out in droves now. We've got a salesman who can sell the cookies.
[00:57:37] Speaker A: Yes, and I ran a hospital for 220 years.
[00:57:40] Speaker B: Hospital kitchen.
[00:57:41] Speaker A: Yes. Oh God.
My God.
[00:57:45] Speaker B: And we've got a bookkeeper. Looks like we've got a business right now.
[00:57:49] Speaker A: Hold it, folks. Says, what's his name?
[00:57:52] Speaker B: Mr. Oliver.
[00:57:52] Speaker A: Mr. Tolliver. Hold it, folks. Sorry we got all stirred up for nothing. Our landlord just gave us 10 days to pay up or get out.
Gracious, but we'll never be in business that soon.
[00:58:05] Speaker B: Well, here you go. Give folks with a loser attitude, you're not beaten. This is Larry. We can make that 10 day deadline, especially with the negative man to speed things along. So he starts cleaning and painting and everything at super speed in one minute
[00:58:18] Speaker A: increments, six seconds at a time. Yes, exactly.
[00:58:20] Speaker B: This reminds me, I just watched the first episode of the Bionic Woman the other day.
[00:58:26] Speaker A: You did?
[00:58:27] Speaker B: I did. Because I found out it's on a streaming service and there's a whole montage of Jamie cleaning the loft apartment where she's gonna live above Steve's parents. Yeah, you know, using her bionics to quickly mop.
[00:58:45] Speaker A: It's a super slow speed, right? Well, no, when she speed it up,
[00:58:49] Speaker B: if she's not running, they speed it up. So she's like washing the windows as if it's speed. And then mopping and sweeping. Vacuuming.
[00:58:55] Speaker A: Right.
[00:58:57] Speaker B: I mean, it doesn't seem like that's really saving her anytime because she can only move her arm super fast.
[00:59:03] Speaker A: Exactly. Not the rest of her body.
[00:59:04] Speaker B: Right?
[00:59:05] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:59:07] Speaker B: I'd have just hired someone. Hired a boy.
[00:59:10] Speaker A: It used to bother me that when they were running at super speed, it was in slow motion as a child.
[00:59:16] Speaker B: Oh, that didn't bother me at all.
[00:59:17] Speaker A: Oh, it bothered the hell out of me.
[00:59:18] Speaker B: Why?
[00:59:20] Speaker A: I was like, why can't they just run it fast? When I was a child, why didn't they just run it faster?
[00:59:23] Speaker B: Because I think that would have looked goofy if they just sped up the film. It would have looked like Keystone Cops. Because I could tell you the cleaning looked plenty goofy.
All right, 24 hours later.
Well, first of all, we discover that there's a new oven that was designed by a nice crippled fellow who's been at A few of our meetings also. Why is clear the chief.
But why is he going to an old folks home meeting? He couldn't be more than 40.
[00:59:55] Speaker A: You obviously don't remember why it's revealed toward the end of the story.
Oh, why is he. Why is he going there?
[01:00:06] Speaker B: Clearly, I don't. Because I assumed you wouldn't read the second story, so I skimmed it.
[01:00:11] Speaker A: He's been keeping his eye on someone.
[01:00:13] Speaker B: Okay, all right, all right, all right, all right.
They finish a batch of cookies, and apparently they taste terrible.
[01:00:20] Speaker A: Look at the puss on Mother's face.
[01:00:24] Speaker B: She.
[01:00:25] Speaker A: That's drawn very well. She looks.
[01:00:27] Speaker B: The artwork in this issue is very good.
[01:00:29] Speaker A: I love it.
[01:00:30] Speaker B: Now, Mr. Toliver says it's his fault because he tried to substitute for one ingredient. A rare spicy herb that grows down in Argentina.
[01:00:42] Speaker A: Diabetes.
[01:00:42] Speaker B: I knew it would take weeks to get a supply, but the cookies are a bust without it.
[01:00:47] Speaker A: Toliver, you lovable nut. You forgot that neg man can get that first in seconds. Just give me the address.
[01:00:54] Speaker B: So off he flashes to South America for one minute and gathers up enough herb to make these special cookies.
And it's, in fact, the best darn cookie ever baked.
Now, for publicity, we're going to have Larry deliver the cookies directly to the president, the vice president, and our congressman, Senator Sloan.
[01:01:20] Speaker A: The president says, now that's what I call a real fog cookie. Son, I'll thank you for a word for so worthy a cause.
[01:01:29] Speaker B: That night, as Larry wanders toward the Sunshine Clubhouse by force of recent habit, he realizes that while he had a job to do, he was almost happy again. But now that it's over.
Hey, wait a minute. There's a light on in the club at this hour.
[01:01:46] Speaker A: He's like, well, I had a job to do. I was almost happy again. Now that it's over, I think I'm gonna throw myself off. Oh, wait a second. There's a light on.
[01:01:56] Speaker B: Well, the club's locked up, but he just sends Negative man through, and this is it.
[01:02:00] Speaker A: Look at that. He's just throwing himself against the floor.
Larry has negative means. Feet are going through the door, Right? But Larry's just falling on the floor anyway. He couldn't, like, kneel down and gently put himself down.
[01:02:17] Speaker B: I don't. I'm not him. I can't speak for him.
[01:02:21] Speaker A: Okay.
[01:02:23] Speaker B: He calls Negative man back. He busts down the door, and he discovers Dr. Death.
I don't. You say we read this? I don't remember Dr. Death in the previous story.
[01:02:36] Speaker A: Oh, no, I didn't say we read. Anything about Dr. Death? We just read. We read. This is a two parter about Larry's origin.
[01:02:44] Speaker B: Right. But how would Larry know Dr. Death unless he'd met him before?
[01:02:47] Speaker A: Who knows? I don't know.
[01:02:50] Speaker B: Anyway, Dr. Death is. We learn, the driving force behind this fine establishment.
Don't you recognize your dear old friend, Mr. Tolliver? That was me.
[01:03:06] Speaker A: All right with me. He's missing some teeth.
[01:03:08] Speaker B: He's missing quite a few teeth.
[01:03:10] Speaker A: Yes.
[01:03:10] Speaker B: He gases Larry with nerve gas. It locks him inside a lead chamber.
[01:03:16] Speaker A: It's like a sarcophagus.
[01:03:17] Speaker B: Yeah.
It doesn't have any problems with the
[01:03:20] Speaker A: color, with the Pharaohs Sarcophagus. Yes.
[01:03:24] Speaker B: It doesn't have any screw holes or seams that you can send Negative man through. It's perfectly sealed.
And Dr. Death has a big long monologue. Only Negative man could have obtained that error.
[01:03:39] Speaker A: Yeah. So basically what he did was he has a plan to kill the President, the Vice President and somebody else, Senator
[01:03:47] Speaker B: Sloan, who's the speaker of the House, who would be third in line to be President.
[01:03:50] Speaker A: He has an identical person to take over Senator Sloan as Speaker of the House. And he will.
And he controls that person.
[01:03:57] Speaker B: Because this special herb you see, contains selenium, an element which can drive anyone consuming it to suicidal madness.
[01:04:04] Speaker A: I would think it'd be in large amounts.
[01:04:06] Speaker B: So the President.
[01:04:07] Speaker A: A bite of a cookie.
[01:04:08] Speaker B: Right.
The President is going to throw himself out the window. The Vice President is driving a car by himself without Secret Service.
[01:04:16] Speaker A: And then poor Congressman Sloan's gonna blow his brains out with a pistol.
[01:04:20] Speaker B: Yeah.
So? But at that same very moment, Niles Calder busts into the room where Dr. Death is.
[01:04:29] Speaker A: That's why he's been in the Senior center.
[01:04:32] Speaker B: But when I was.
[01:04:33] Speaker A: Oh, I'm sorry. He doesn't reveal that just yet. I'm sorry.
[01:04:37] Speaker B: So what he says to Dr. Death is, while I was measuring the space for the electronic stove I built for you, I believe I dropped my Phi Beta key.
That must be. I don't know what that is. Fraternity thing.
[01:04:49] Speaker A: Phi Beta Kappa is an honorary academic. Honorary society.
[01:04:54] Speaker B: Yes.
[01:04:55] Speaker A: So he must have had like a special medallion or something.
[01:04:59] Speaker B: Okay.
He pulls out a little tiny flashlight and says, I thought this little flashlight could find it for me, but no such luck. Well, I'll be going now. Rolling off.
Get it? Cause I'm in a wheelchair. I'll be rolling off.
All right. Dr. Death returns to his normal form, turns on the speaker in the sarcophagus so that he can talk. Gloat to Larry, but there's no answer from within.
And why not?
That's because Negative man is on the move, right? He rescues the vice president, the vice President from careening off a cliff, the
[01:05:37] Speaker A: President from throwing himself out the window, and the secretary, another speaker of the House, from blowing his brains out.
[01:05:45] Speaker B: Instantly, Negative man returns and explodes open the lead sarcophagus. I don't understand how you escaped, Dr. Death says.
Well, Larry says, I think it had something to do with that visitor you had, Dr. D. And I'll bet you this is where his calling card dropped. Here. I'll check it out as soon as I deliver you to the police.
[01:06:05] Speaker A: The next day at the office of Dr. Niles Calder. Yes, Mr. Traynor? That hole through which Negman escaped was made by this camouflaged baby laser. I've had my eye on Dr. Death for some time. That's why he was going to the senior center.
[01:06:20] Speaker B: Okay.
And I've had my eye on you for even longer. You see, Mr. Traynor, I have a proposition to offer you and these two other people. To you freaks, as they say, I offer you a second chance at life. Now listen.
[01:06:36] Speaker A: And that, as you know, is where we came in. The beginning of the Fabulous Doom Patrol.
[01:06:43] Speaker B: This is the peril of reading these stories a year apart. Because I do kind of remember there was a Robotman origin story backup series.
I don't remember a Rita one, but I do know that she was a movie actress on location in Africa and she fell into some.
[01:07:04] Speaker A: But I'm confusing whether or not I read it in a comic or I saw it on the television.
[01:07:08] Speaker B: Oh.
[01:07:09] Speaker A: I mean, I know. I know her origin story. All their origin stories were part of the Doom Patrol television show.
[01:07:13] Speaker B: Yes. Which I don't think we ever finished, by the way.
[01:07:16] Speaker A: We didn't?
[01:07:17] Speaker B: I don't think so.
[01:07:18] Speaker A: Huh.
[01:07:20] Speaker B: Anyway, I'll have to do some research and get back to you. But anyway, listener, in the meantime, if you want to hear the follow up to the main story here, let us know. Let us know quickly because you know
[01:07:33] Speaker A: I'm up for it.
[01:07:34] Speaker B: You. We're all up for it.
So here's your choice. You can either hear the finale of Do Patrol next week or you can hear the Flash.
[01:07:45] Speaker A: Both of which are good.
[01:07:46] Speaker B: Both of which are good. So just let me know. You can find me on social media at Gogo Checkpod. You can rate and review us wherever you get your podcast from. You can find us on our sister podcast, Nerd Orchestra. And you can. You can find us right back here next week with either Doom Patrol or Flash.
Bye.
[01:08:12] Speaker A: Wondering why.
So we're kicking out the hedge.
To look inside your mind you be thrown up in a misery not the way it used to be Looking at your life, thinking it all behind.
